special needs

It stands to reason that effective discipline for a special needs child with cognitive disadvantages would be handled differently than for a neurotypical child. But kids don't necessarily view the house rules through the lens of reason.

How should parents respond when a "normal" child complains that expectations for their challenged sibling seem less stringent?

"My eight-year-old ADHD (attention deficit hyperactivty disorder) is the oldest, and when we discipline him differently than our five- and three-year-old girls, they're picking up on the fact that he's being treated differerently and they think it's not fair," writes Rachael S. in the Moms of Kids With ADHD community. "How does that work? How can I 'normally' discipline my girls and be 'lenient' with my son?"

It's a question many parents face as they juggle the demanding and specific needs of their special needs children along with the resentments sometimes felt by their neurotypical kids.

Stacey H., a mom posting in the Mothers of Special Needs Children community, knows she handles her 10-year-old son (who has a a bipolar dosorder, autism, Tourette's Syndrome and ADHD) differently than the other children in the household. "I do need to let a bit of stuff with my 10-year-old slide that I would not with the others," she writes. Not only is it difficult for the kids, it creates tension between her and her boyfriend.

Friction between family members over a parent's accommodations to children with special needs is not unusual.

Yolanda M., posting in the Autism/Asperger's/PPD Awareness community sees a similar drama playing out in her home. Her eight-year-old son has vexed his older brother way past his tolerance point.

"My older son is sick of giving him his way," she shares.

Ani S., also a member of the Autism/Asperger's/PPD Awareness community, has two sons two years apart in age, the elder with a special needs diagnosis.

"We have been through the 'you favor him,' 'he has different rules than I do,' and the like," she writes.

And Renee H., who has an eight-year-old autistic son and a 10-year-old daughter with no diagnosis, says that she "will sometimes make the comment 'he always gets away with stuff.' That is not true, but it is true that I have to work with him through so many situations and she sees that as him getting off easy."

This sentiment is echoed by many in the community, including Teena S., whose four older children routinely tell her she is favoring their younger brother, who is autistic and has a diagnosis of ADHD. Much of this perception, she says, stems from the flexibility required to effectively discipline a cognitively-challenged child.

"I have to change his discipline every week, as what worked one week doesn't work the next," she posts. She realizes that the continual changes don't seem fair or consistent to the other kids. "It is a battle and is so hard."

So what's a parent engaged in this kind of battle to do? Keri L. suggests acknowledging the feelings of jilted siblings to help defuse the accumulating tension.

"We have validated that yes, it sucks for them sometimes," she writes in the Autism/Asperger's/PPD Awareness community in reference to the struggle her two neurotypical children face.

She and her husband went beyond offering just their own empathy; they involved all their children in their autistic son's ABA (Applied Behavioral Analysis) therapy.

That move gave their neurotypical children insight into their brother's hardship that she says no amount of parent talk ever could.

"They understand he does have consequences. They are just different from their own," she posts.

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

Figuring out your kid's behavior is tough enough when they are "normal." Add in the challenges that plague kids on the autism spectrum, such as cognitive difficulties, sensory limitations and the inability to pick up on social cues, and it's downright baffling.

Is my child going off the deep end because of his or her disability-related challenges or is my child simply misbehaving? It's a question the parent of a special needs child asks themselves numerous time each day. Unfortunately, the immediacy of these situations prevents us from consulting with a professional on each go around, and we have to learn to make our own judgments, in the moment.

It helps, says mom of two Carrie R., to have a good grasp on your child's diagnosis and his associated challenges: "It can be hard to decide, but the more you read about autism, the more you will recognize common behaviors (that) are part of the diagnosis and should not be punished. It's a fine line."

The Cookie Incident

Here's a scene to ponder: You're at the local grocery store where every aisle is full of people you know. Your mildly autistic kid is in full meltdown mode. There is yelling, kicking and crying all because the bakery isn't giving out free sample cookies today.

"But they always have cookies," laments your child in a shrieking voice that people can hear at least five aisles over. "It's not fair. It's not fair. I want the cookie. Why don't they have cookies today? Mom, make them have cookies!"

Tears stream down the face of this precious, confused, and out-of-control child. His earliest memory of this grocery store involves getting that cookie. It has always been this way. He cannot process this experience with a no-cookie plot.

Been there. Done that. And had to leave the store. I am certain some of the other shoppers that day thought my son to be a spoiled brat.

That was several years ago, when my understanding of my son's needs was truly just developing. Yet even then I knew that the fact that things weren't "the same" was what pushed him over the edge. He was six. He had not yet learned the coping skills he now has.

Understanding That Behavior Carries Messages

"Know and understand what behaviors may be triggered or linked to the autism," writes Lorraine S. in a post about deciding what to punish. "These behaviors are generally messages the child is trying to tell you."

That was the story when Heather B. was wrestling with her son's picky clothing habits. There was an underlying reason, but it took her a while to figure it out, and in the meantime, they argued daily about his desire to wear his clothing backwards. After a while, she decided the battle wasn't worth the effort. While it wasn't socially appropriate to wear shirts backwards, "it wasn't hurting him or anybody else." And eventually, she learned, "it was due to the tags," which rubbed against his skin and irritated him, a common problem for kids with sensory issues. As soon as she bought "tagless" clothes, her son started putting his shirts on the right way more often than not.

Learning Over Time

"The intricacies of public behavior and interpersonal relationships are a lot to grasp even for a child with no barriers to learning," writes Jean G. "Be patient and kind and firm about your expectations."

That's a lesson repeated regularly in my own home.

After leaving the grocery store on the day of the infamous cookie incident, we discussed social norms around store samples. I had to explain that giving out free cookies is a choice the bakery manager makes and that we simply cannot expect it each time we go to the store. My son talked about this for several days. It would have driven me nuts if I hadn't realized that this was his way of processing a new piece of information and ultimately, accepting it as reality.

Fortunately, it didn't take seven years for this lesson to be internalized. Now 13 years old, my son is long past expecting the free cookie. But it remains his favorite part of grocery shopping (with the actual leaving of the store coming in at a close second). He still makes a beeline for the bakery once we get past the front door. He expresses disappointment when the cookie isn't available. But he hasn't thrown a tantrum over it since that fateful day.

As the mother of an autistic child, I've learned to follow my instincts regarding the classification of his behaviors. When he's simply misbehaving, I take away his favorite video game for a set period of time. When he's struggling with a sensory issue, I take the time to work through the issue, try not to pull out any of my own hair, and attempt to teach him how to cope. It isn't always a very pretty scene and I am convinced some people around me don't get it. Oh, well.

It's advice echoed by Jean G. in a discussion about how to identify behavior that's truly "naughty" from behavior that carries messages tied to the child's diagnosis.

"Trust yourself to know the difference," she writes.

Image Source: mdanys via Flickr/Creative Commons

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

Mommy Dearest –

I am planning a gym party for my son's upcoming fifth birthday and am having an internal dilemma about whether or not to invite one particular child. The child in question has special needs that often involve her not listening well to instructions. At our party last year, the child did not listen to the teacher's directions and ended up interfering with the other children's art projects. When the teacher said something to her, her parents ended up yelling at the teacher for "coaching" their special needs child. I'm nervous about inviting them to the party this year because of the somewhat rowdy nature of a gym party, but at the same time, don't want the child to be left out just because of her differences.

What would you do?

– Should I Include Mommy

To see the response from Mommy Dearest, read more