siblings

Patty D. doesn’t know how to stop the sibling war at her house, “My two youngest fight more than any kids I have seen. I don’t know how to get it under control," rues this Circle of Moms member.

Here’s the perfect analogy for the sibling relationship. A husband comes home with roses and a gift for his wife. He sits her down and says, “Honey, you know I love you. In fact, I love you so much that I decided to bring home another wife. I want you to know that I have enough love in my heart for you both, so don’t be jealous, be nice and get along!”

I don’t know many women who would easily accept that. Yet, we basically say the same thing to our child when we bring home a new baby.

I’m not sure we can expect siblings to embrace each other right off the bat. I think that’s an unfair expectation. Some siblings immediately adore each other, and some are like oil and water. Part of what a child needs to learn throughout childhood is how to get along with others, and the sibling relationship is the perfect teacher.

Four Ways Siblings Teach Each Other About Life

To understand the complexity of the sibling relationship, look at it this way: the sibling relationship is a trial run for future relationships.

• Siblings say mean things to each other. That teaches them that words can hurt and impact people. This is good preparation for all future interactions with others.
• The sibling relationship forces kids to spend a great deal of time with each other, whether they like it or not. They have to learn to share. Learning to consider another person's needs and wants is great preparation for the work environment.
• Siblings have to work out their intense emotions with someone they love, even when they don’t want too. That sounds like practice for being in a committed relationship.
• Siblings have to learn how to be compassionate, not competitive. That sounds like practice for being a good friend.

Three Ways a Parent Can Help

1. Don’t be the judge and jury — Be a facilitator instead.

What does a facilitator do? A facilitator doesn’t take a position. She is neutral and simply asks the same question to both kids, allowing them to practice being confident enough to stand up for themselves.

Here are rules: Only one person can speak at a time.  And each child can only answer the question they were asked. That prevents rambling onto different subjects. Being a facilitator sounds like this:

Son, please explain what happened.

Daughter, please explain what happened.

Son, how do you want to work it out?

Daughter, how do you want to work it out?

This goes on until they resolve things. Resolving things this way teaches self confidence, respect, compassion, and how to come to agreements.

2. Validate them when they say, "It isn’t fair!"

One goal of a sibling fight is to try to get a parent to make things fair. Fairness issues are part of early childhood development. Children don’t become interested in hearing about their unique differences until they’re around 11 or 12. To compensate for that, acknowledge your child’s unique point of view by saying, “Wow, I never thought about it that way before!”

This applauds your child for her unique thought process, and begins introducing the concept that everyone has different strengths. Doing this sends the message that it’s okay to be treated differently, that things don’t always have to be fair. Don’t be surprised when the other sibling attempts to show you just how unique their way of thinking is, too. Simply state, “How nice that you both bring something different to our family.”

3. Encourage them to work it out among themselves.

In a child’s eyes, parents always seem to have the answer. But what if every once and a while you didn’t have the answer? Oh my heavens, they’d have to figure it out themselves. What a great learning moment!

Tell them, “I have no answers for this. So if you want to play with this game, you’re going to have to decide what would be fair or how to work this out, or the game gets put away.” Amazingly they do tend to work it out and stick to their agreements.   

Like everything in childhood, the sibling relationship has teaching value. No tips works perfectly or forever with kids. Learning is a long-term process, and that holds true for these tips as well.

Sharon Silver is a parent educator whose advice is basic, real and direct, just like a child. Her site, ProactiveParenting.net shares ways to reduce both a parent and a child’s reactions. She’s a mom, author of Stop Reacting and Start Responding, and a monthly expert contributor on TV’s Sac & Co. Find Sharon on Twitter and Facebook.

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

There's nothing better than seeing your kids look out for one another, and in this inspiring video from ESPN, two brothers set an example that has us all dabbing our eyes in the office.

8-year-old Conner and his 6-year-old brother Cayden are intensely loyal to one another: Cayden has cerebral palsy, but that doesn't stop the two from competing in triathlons together.

On June 5th the boys competed in the first of several triathlons they've finished together, with Conner pulling Cayden in a raft for the 4 lap swim, attaching a wheeled trailer to his bike for the 3 mile ride, and pushing his brother in a stroller for the 1/2 mile run. When asked what he thinks about when he's competing with Cayden, Conner said, "Finishing. Not first, second or third, just being proud that we finished." 

Watch the video below (and get out your handkerchiefs) to see these amazing kids in action.

Image Source: The Bert Show

Well, if you haven't heard the news, we're pregnant again! And further, though I was positively convinced that we'd be having a son, just a few weeks ago I was proven wrong. Instead we are preparing to welcome a second little girl into our lives! Iris and the new babe will be a mere 20 months apart, and it got my wheels turning about how these two angels will surely become the best of friends. At least that's my hope!

I had my own sister growing up. There was a larger gap in our age and we were very different — different interests, different personalities, different circles. But even for all that stood between us, there were a few things that drew us close — then and now — simply because we were and are sisters. Sisterhood is a special bond. You're bound to hate each other and love each other; but no matter what, some things between sisters always stand tried and true

Based on all that my sister and I shared, here's what I hope will be the same for Iris and her new little "bubbah." (Ahem, that's "baby" in Iris-speak.)

1. Coordinating Outfits

I mean, is this a given, obvious, even shallow point to make? Perhaps. But when my sister and I were young, we dressed like twins all the time. And, naturally, the outfits I'm remembering were from an age where I was old enough to force her into costume; but still, whilst I have the control over my little girls' wardrobes, I'm just imagining the combinations I can create. Picture-worthy for sure.

The good news is, this also includes closet-sharing. All those outfits that were SO darling (and far too expensive) that Iris only got to wear once? Well, saints be praised! They'll see the light of day again, and somehow that will justify that one time I went on a Janie and Jack splurge. Once they're older, they may even enjoy sharing each other's closets. I don't think my sister minded my hand-me-downs; and we certainly like to peruse each other's clothes now!

2. Sharing a Room

Our tiny little Denver bungalow offers no extra space for even our family of three, and so my kids will be sharing the nursery. Obviously, if we'd had a boy, this would have worked just fine for quite some time. But now that I know we're having a girl, somehow the room sharing seems a luxury! I can just make it the cutest little space for them and have all our precious girly things in one darling place. They can set up kitchen and doll cradles and art easels, to share and create together.

My sister and I shared a room for quite awhile. When I think back to even those times when we weren't the best of friends, it was sharing a room that helped us remember why we loved one another. It's like a sleepover every night, and those nights you can't sleep, the silly stories and the giggling just come spilling out. I can't wait for my girls to have that time together.

3. Always Having a Companion

When you're little, everything is made more fun with a friend: trips to the grocery store, forced quiet time, vacations. When you have a sister, you always have a companion around. My sister and I were the best of friends on a lot of our vacations and road trips. It was so nice to have a buddy along, to share in the experiences and to pass the time. 

With my little girls so close in age too, they'll be taking on life together. As one moves into one phase, the other will always be following close behind, so I love that they'll never be too far removed from where the other is. I, of course, expect them to have their own friends and to do things independently; but I hope that they also recognize the joy of always having a partner in life (and, I imagine, crime).

4. Always Having a Confidante

I'm ridiculously close to my mother. I never felt the need to hide things from her because she always accepted me and was loving and encouraging. But she was still my mom. And I'll never forget the first time that I talked to my sister about something, something that I'd not told anyone, not even my mom. Telling my sister was like telling my mom, because she is family; she accepted me and was loving and encouraging too. But being my sister, she was more my peer, not an authority figure. It was freeing to recognize that I had that ability to share with her, that I could be wholly myself and honest on a different level than I could with a parent. And my sister has trusted me in the same way. A sister is so often the best place to bounce ideas and secrets because she knows you and loves you like family, but can take on the world with you like a friend.

5. Disney World!

I don't have specific sisterly memories of my sister and I at Disney World together, though we've made the trip several times in our lives. But for some reason, when we found out we were having a girl, the first thing I said to Trevor was, "Omigosh! Can't you wait to take the girls to Disney World?" So,I suppose it's just a little bit of my own childhood self that I'll be forcing on to my two little gals. But I think they'll like it. 

Image Source: Sarah Gries

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

Circle of Moms member Kylie M.'s oldest son is an all-around “high achiever” whose younger brother, while intelligent, “walks to the beat of his own drum.” Kylie is concerned because she hears him say things that indicate he feels like he doesn't measure up.

It’s not an uncommon scenario: You have two (or more) children and one excels at everything. He’s a fantastic student, a great athlete, and a super friendly kid. Your other child works a little harder to be an average or above-average student and isn’t athletic or popular at all. Their different abilities and developmental paces sow the seeds of self esteem issues and intense sibling rivalry.

So what's a parent in this situation to do? Here are three approaches suggested by moms who are raising children of very different abilities and achievement levels.

1. Value "EQ" Just as Much as IQ

My middle son has an IQ in the “gifted” range and he also has Asperger's Syndrome. He is book-brilliant, but doesn’t have a whole lot of what’s known as “EQ,” or emotional intelligence. I wholeheartedly agree with Circle of Moms member Kylie, who says, “I believe that EQ is just as, if not more important that IQ.”

In other words, you can be the most intellectually gifted person in the world, but if you’re not able to relate to other people, it’s hard to do much with those gifts. Kylie is right on target when she says, “I make sure my children know that it is not actually how intelligent they are that matters but what they do with their intelligence.”

2. Require Good Behavior from All Your Kids

Dr. Nancy Robinson, who co-authored a study on pairs of siblings in which one was more "gifted," concluded that parents see gifted children as “better behaved” than their non-gifted siblings. Though encouraging, this research doesn’t help moms in the trenches. Mom Shira M., for instance, doesn’t see it that way in her house. Like my son, her “profoundly gifted” child is “super sensitive and very bossy.” Shira mentions that it’s been very important to insist upon her son “being a respectful, inclusive and caring family member.”

3. Help All Your Kids Discover Their Gifts

Another member, Christine Y., says she’s learned “that gifts show up in different ways” and that a child who doesn’t seem as obviously talented as his sibling still has talents. You may just have to work harder to see them.

Many moms, like Kathy B., make it a point to make sure each child knows that “everyone is special in their own way.” Deborah C. takes it a step further, advising that if you don’t want one child growing up to resent the other, it’s up to you to help him find his talent. “The last thing you want is for him to feel out of place,” she explains.

Above all, it’s good to keep in mind that “gifted” doesn’t mean flawless and “average” doesn’t imply your child has nothing to offer. Circle of Moms member Rhonda C. is mother to two children she describes as "gifted" and one who she says is “average." While she reports that it’s been hard to keep her “average child's self-esteem and educational confidence intact,” what’s more striking is that he is the “most well-rounded of the three.” His gifted siblings, she says, have difficulty in social arenas and with managing disappointment, skills that some easy to their older brother.

As Laura R. says, “Every child, whether labeled 'gifted' or not, has wonderful gifts to share.” And as parents, it’s up to us to nurture all those gifts.

*Consequences of Having a Gifted Sibling: Myths and Realities

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

While some older siblings might be thrilled by the news of your pregnancy, children often will react negatively. Some might even break down into tears, like in this sad but relatable home video of a mom's pregnancy announcement.

The news of a new sibling can be devastating to a child, because it means that he might receive less of your time and attention and will have to share his toys and your affection. Especially if you are already dividing your time between two or more siblings, the arrival of another baby can be threatening. To help prepare your child (or children) for a new sibling, here are a few steps to take while you are still pregnant.

1. Nurture children during the grieving period: News of the new arrival might be the greatest heartbreak of your child's little life thus far. Take the time to hold and comfort them, which will help them feel secure and less apprehensive about splitting your attention with the baby. Reassure them that you love them, that you recognize they are sad, and that you are here when they need attention and affection.
2. Set aside some daily alone time: Every child needs a little special attention from mom and dad, even if it's breakfast in the morning, a special note in the lunch box, or a book to read in bed. Kids tend to misbehave when they don't feel recognized or listened to, so it's important to make an effort to give them some undivided attention every day.
3. Make your child feel like a hero: Repeatedly tell your child how important his role as an older sibling will be. Talk about his unique qualities and contributions to the family, whether it's his exuberant storytelling, willingness to help out, or great listening skills.

Check out four more ways to prep for baby.

Circle of Moms member Pamela W. knows all too well what life is like when you have two babies born back to back, a.k.a. “Irish twins." I did not plan to have them that close together," she says, "but then the saying goes ‘Man plans, God laughs."

Even though it is often argued in Circle of Moms communities that it's wise to space babies at least two years apart, many moms whose kids are this close in age find that the round-the-clock diaper changing years are not without their funny and sweet moments. As Courtney, a mom of two in diapers, asserts, "even though some days I feel like pulling my hair out, I wouldn't change it for anything."

The Rewards of Having Babies Back-to-Back

Leah G. says she’s heard it all about the trials and tribulations of two in diapers. She prefers to focus on the rewards, like the fact that her sons are so close that they sometimes "can't get enough of each other."

“The other night my oldest stayed the night with my cousin and when it was bed time he was crying for his bubba (brother). My 20-month-old was doing the same thing when he got up the next morning."

Courtney, Ashley V. and Kitty L. are all finding that a similar sweet bond is developing between their close-in-age babies. Courtney's daughter "is so helpful and sweet towards her brother, it's adorable to watch. He just lights up and smiles when she gives him kisses.”

Ashley, whose two sons are just 14 months apart, also says her oldest is a great helper. “He always gives [my youngest son] hugs and kisses and will go get him toys or books to play with.” And Kitty loves to look through the rear view mirror to see her two-year-old holding the baby’s hand across their car seats. “He kisses the baby good morning and good night on his own, and when the baby cries, he asks if he is okay. He takes care of him.”

Beyond the warmth of this relationship, moms point out another benefit: Serena L., who will have three kids under three, figures "it’s better to get all the 'not sleep' over all at once [rather than] to get back to normal life, have another kid and stop sleeping again."

What are your coping tips for back-to-back babies?

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

Korinta M. and her sister compete over everything, from who's skinner to who's more successful. It’s a typical sibling dynamic, except that they’re both in their thirties. “Sibling rivalry never stops,” laughs Korinta.

It turns out that they're far from alone. Many Circle of Moms members are experiencing what a recent Wall Street Journal article called "one of the most harmful and least addressed issues in a family," or sibling rivalry that continues into adulthood.

All Grown-Up?

To moms who want to know if it will ever end, Cheryl H. says: “Don't hold your breath! I am one of six and although I have three older brothers, I was the first girl. We are now all aged between 45 and 60. Unfortunately the sibling rivalry is alive and well and the only difference is that the spouses also get in on the act."

Renee C. is having a similar experience with her sister. Though the fierce fighting has abated and they now live on opposite sides of the country, when they visit they fall right back into old patterns. “It takes about three days before the bickering begins. Then the husband comparison comes in: who is raising their kids in the best way, etc., and it's chaos once more. At least as adults we can get over it fast and move on, plus control our tempers and just go cool off.”

Castillo Z. says she still sees sibling discord among her sons who are 31 and 34.  “They compete over everything, even my attention,” she says. “Carlos (oldest) has always said Rob (youngest) is the favorite. Carlos has always had financial difficulty and had to move in with his brother several times. Last year he had a decent job and a little money. He was so excited about being able to get Christmas gifts for everyone. Knowing I have wanted a Kindle for a long time, Carlos purchased one. It could not be delivered until after Christmas and he was upset. When it did arrive I was very happy and Carlos said ‘Well look who's the favorite now.’ Rob's response ‘Yeah, but it won't be for long.’ Carlos in turn said: ‘Yeah, but it’s me for now.’ We all just started laughing.”

Sibling rivalry is also still alive and kicking in Louise A.’s family. This mom of four adult children also finds that it never stops. "I am the mother of a 44, 43, 41, and 38 year old. They love each other, would kill for each other, enjoy each other for awhile, but it is always there. I told them awhile ago that when their dad and I am gone, they will only have each other. They seem to have taken that to heart and stepped up to the plate. Makes me happy to see and they know that."

Are you jealous of your grown-up siblings?

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.