Discipline

Holly H. is frustrated with her husband's parenting: "It seems that every time he has to deal with the kids he ends up getting into power struggles/arguments with them. One of the specific things that I hear him doing is telling the kids, 'If you don't . . . then you won't.' Instead of the more positive 'After you . . . then you can . . .' They react negatively to this and are much more likely to refuse to do whatever he's telling them to do than if he would say it the second way."

Holly's husband is reacting in a very normal way. Every parent has days when they've yelled so much they're at the end of their rope. Those are the days when you want to run away, and we've all been there. But before you pack your bags, let me share one possible reason why you're being forced to yell, and suggest a way to change things.

Young children tend to gravitate to where they experience the most energy. When a parent yells, he or she exudes a great deal of energy and attention. Think about it from a child's point of view. What do you do when you yell? You stop what you're doing, you turn around, you lock eyes with your child, and you focus all of your words on him. That's a bunch of attention! Children gobble that up and then use childlike reasoning and decide that misbehavior is a good way to get my parent's focused attention — even though they're yelling. No, I'm not going to suggest that you ignore a child's bid for attention; I think that's mean.

I know it's hard to believe that children think they're getting attention when a parent yells, but that's immature reasoning in action. Children don't see the whole picture yet, so they don't really know that behaving well is a better option, unless you show them, repeatedly.

Keep reading.

"Kids will do well if they can" is a basic mantra that Dr. Ross Greene, acclaimed psychologist and director of Lives in the Balance, asks parents to keep in mind when dealing with kids.

Moms will do well if they can, too, although when it comes to discipline, we don't always do it as well as we can. Keep reading for some of the most common discipline mistakes moms make and regret.

In the latest news report about a parent using public humiliation to punish a misbehaving teen (see also: the parent who shot his daughter's computer), a dad made his daughter wear a T-shirt with a picture of his face on it to school for a whole week. Beneath the photo are the words "Try Me." The girl's infraction was staying out past her curfew.

Read the whoe story (The Huffington Post) >>

Are there any circumstances under which you'd use public humiliation to teach your child a lesson?

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Ashly F.'s five-year-old was suspended from the school bus because he does not listen: "He has never acted this bad before in preschool, nor has he ever acted this bad at home or done any of the things he is doing at school at home. I am so lost as to what to do," laments this Circle of Moms member.

Schenequa N.’s six-year-old was suspended for bringing his toy Nerf gun to school. "I don’t think that’s fair [be]cause he is only six years old [and] in the first grade and doesn’t know the difference. All he knows is that it’s a toy. Any suggestions on what I am to do?" she asks the Circle of Moms community.

As these two moms share, it’s very hard to get a phone call from the school principal informing you that you child is suspended. School suspensions are generally handed down for serious infractions: violent or disruptive behavior, or bringing weapons or drugs to school, and you may become fearful that you have a problem child. But when a suspension happens during the grade school years, more often than not the offensive action that caused the suspension is somewhat tame when compared to issues posed by older children.

So how should you react? Circle of Moms suggest preceding calmly. Here are four tips to guide you.

1. Get to the Root of the Problem

When your child is suspended from school, the school will notify you of the reason for and length of the suspension. Circle of Moms members recommend seeing it as a flag that you need to delve a little deeper into whatever is going on with your child. "First off, get to the bottom of what is causing the problem behavior, and if it is truly problem behavior in the first place," suggests Amanda R. Bad behavior in the grade school years typically stems from another problem, and is not usually because the child is intentionally trying to be heinous, and Amanda cites numerous news reports of elementary school children being suspended for accidentally bringing a dangerous object to school, or for taking legitimate medication on school grounds.

"Typically when children act out, they are seeking attention of some sort. Whether it be more affection, one-on-one time, or even negative attention (like the kind they receive when they are naughty). Something is definitely going on with your child that you need to address," agrees a mom named Leah J., adding that parents might try getting down on the child's level and asking him "why he is acting naughty."

There might be a very good reason, she says. For example, some children lash out when they're angry or being picked on at school. "Is he getting the same treatment at school? Does he possibly have a learning disability? Sometimes children that aren't on the same academic level as other students in the class will act out and get in trouble because then it takes the focus away from the real issue. I would explore those things and see if any of them bring you a conclusion."

Heather W. suggests another line of questioning: "Ask him what he had fun doing at school. Try to bring out the positive things he did and see who he is playing with. This should help you figure out what is causing the problem."

If your child is suspended for bringing a weapon-like object or toy to school, consider it a teachable moment, suggests Erin J. In Shenequa’s case, for example, the period of suspension “is a great opportunity" to explain why bringing toy guns to school is a bad idea.

2. Visit the School

When your child is suspended, it’s important to make a personal visit to the school to find out first-hand what caused the suspension and also to observe the environment. “Arrange a meeting with the teacher to talk about the issues,” recommends Sarah C. 

“There's almost certainly something going on under the surface that you need to understand before you can help your [child] change her behavior for the better,” Sylvia H. says. 

Even if you agree with the suspension, it helps to bring these issues to light with the administrative staff, moms say.

And if you believe the suspension is unwarranted, then the in-person visit is a good time to make your case. "If your son has never caused any trouble and is a good kid, they should realize it was an innocent thing that happened," Emilie B. tells Shenequa. A mom named Sarah mentions other common underlying issues that you should bring to the attention of the teacher or principal: your child is reacting to bullying or to a teacher who is taking a negative approach with him. "One thing [you should] not tolerate is hearing only one side of a story," adds Rita D., and Sherri C. points out that a parent needs to be her child's advocate.

3. Seek Expert Advice

If there are legitimate behavioral problems that led to the suspension, then the school staff or your pediatrician may be able to recommend an expert to turn to for advice. In responding to fellow Circle of Moms member Jaimie A.’s concern about her 7-year-old’s suspension for behavioral issues, AnnMarie suggests seeking out psycho-educational testing. “It is a wonderful tool, and can lead to the development of a solid behavioral plan targeted to helping your child overcome his specific issues.” 

Kim, another member, endorses the value of a professional opinion. When her 9-year-old was acting out at school she had him tested at a pediatric clinic for ADHD and discovered that his behavioral problems were a result of Asperger’s Syndrome. 

An outside expert may be able to provide parents with a “solid road map” to help address overall behavioral problems. Otherwise, says AnnMarie, addressing isolated behaviors or incidents will wind up being a bit haphazard.

4. Don’t Dole Out Additional Punishment

Finally, Circle of Moms recommend that given that your child has already been suspended, it’s not necessary to dole out additional punishments. 

"I personally don’t think you should punish [your child] at home when she has already been punished in school," Sarah C. says. "This will only lead to her being secretive about what has happened at school, when you really need to be keeping the lines of communication open."

Remember, adds JuLeah W., your goal is to teach your child, not punish him: "I knew a boy who would act out everyday almost ... the teacher did the same dumb thing; sent him to the office. Well, turns out, the kid didn't understand the math and was too embarrassed to admit he needed help. He acted out each day before math, was sent to the office for the math lesson and avoided what he didn't want to deal with — of course getting further and further behind in math in the process," she says.

Consequently, she adds, when your child acts out, "[keep in mind she] is attempting to tell you something very important with the only language she has: her behavior. You have to learn how to listen to her.

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

Do your kids come running to interrupt you as soon as you get on the phone? As Circle of Moms member Alicia notes of this behavior pattern in her daughter, it's as if kids have a silent alarm that goes off when mom's attention shifts away from them. She often gets off the phone to give her daughter the attention she's demanding, but then, she reports, "I start getting upset because I'm always doing this and there are things that I need to get done.”

Young children see themselves as the center of the universe, and that’s age appropriate. They haven’t developed to the point where they understand that their parents need to, want to, and can do things that don’t involve them.

So when a child hears her parent talking on the phone she runs in, attempting to refocus her parent’s attention back on to her. This is a form of research for a child, not misbehavior.

A Parental Response That Feeds the Problem

Think of what you normally do when you’re on the phone and your child comes running in to interrupt you.

• You look directly into her eyes and point to the phone as if to say, “I’m on the phone, please be quiet and let me talk.”
• Then, you raise your finger and make the silent shush sign.
• Finally, you hold up one finger to indicate you’ll only be one more minute; which by the way is an eternity for a child.

To a child, all of that translates as, "I got some of mom’s attention. Not the lovely kind of attention, but attention nonetheless.” (See my column on potty training, Potty Training and Parent Pie, to fully understand why I say this.)

Of course, if that’s not enough attention to fill your child's tank, she’ll resort to whining, begging, talking loudly, stomping, screaming, or having a tantrum to keep you focused on her and not the phone.

Oh, the Silly Things I Say

Have you ever noticed that sometimes when you ask your child “What do you need?” she mumbles or says something silly? Her answer is telling you she’s looking for attention. Of course, if you sense your child really needs you, then pay attention to her.

How to Handle Phone Interruptions

The phone rings, you answer, and your child comes running in to interrupt you.          

• Motion for her to come closer to you. As she’s snuggling up beside you, begin rubbing her back. Touching a person’s body sends a message to their psyche that they’re being paid attention to.
• Do not look her in the eyes, and do not talk to her.
• If she tries to talk to you, rotate your body a quarter turn away from her, and continue to rub her back.

6 Tips and Tricks

1. Children under the age of 2½ are developmentally too young for parents to use this tip.
2. When first trying this, talk to a dial tone and not a real person. It’s too hard to remember what to do as you listen to your child and attempt to talk to a friend.
3. Ignore the repeated mom-mom-mom chant. Try to give it one full minute of silently rubbing her back before you say anything to her. During that minute her talking should begin to slow down, or stop. That’s because her deep need for attention is being filled.
4. Support yourself as you do this by reminding yourself that you’re teaching your child that she can’t have everything she wants, when she wants it. The world just doesn’t work that way.

1. This is not about punishment — it’s about teaching. If your child is becoming more and more agitated as you implement this tip, then stop and talk to her. Some days are days for teaching and some days aren’t. 
2. If your child is not looking for attention, then the back rubbing will just make her mad and she’ll simply push your hand away.

This works for all aged kids, and husbands too. Although for some reason the hubby’s don’t like it so much. LOL!

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

When two students at Westwood High School in Mesa, Arizona got into a fist fight earlier this week, the principal came up with an unusual punishment: holding hands.

The students chose the hand holding punishment over suspension, and had to sit in the school courtyard for an hour as other students taunted and teased. 

While some support the principal's decision, others say the punishment encouraged bullying by other students and sent an anti-gay message that boys holding hands is an embarassment. 

The school district has issued a relase noting it does not condone the principal's behavior, and will be reviewing the matter as well as going over district protocol regarding student discipline with all administrators.

Read the full story at the Huffington Post >>

Image Source: KPHO via Huffington Post

It's amazing how quickly your child transforms from a cute, cooing baby to a full-fledged toddler — one who seems bent on getting into everything, eating whatever he encounters, and generally misbehaving. A Circle of Moms member who goes by "TealRose" describes toddlers best when she says, "He has no idea of 'right or wrong' - he only has the need to learn. He is programmed to do so by touching, tasting, moving, dropping, throwing, opening, closing, [and] breaking - not because he is 'naughty,' but because that is how he learns."

When that learning veers into dangerous or inappropriate behavior and "no" isn't working, what are the first steps you can take to discipline a child? Which tactics are appropriate and effective at this age? Here, Circle of Moms members share three parenting techniques that help a toddler learn what's acceptable and what's not, as well as some thoughts on whether corporal punishment should be a tactic you consider.

1. Re-Direct

Many moms start gently, by re-directing a child's behavior. What this means in practices is that when your child is getting into mischief and playing with or touching things she shouldn't, you simply lead her to something she should be doing instead.

For example, member Tamara S., whose 19-month-old son sometimes explores in ways that are dangerous, uses re-direction to teach him appropriate behaviors:

"If he's jumping off the chair, I might say 'how about rolling this ball across the floor?' and when he does what he wants you to do with the redirection make a big deal... I give him a high five and tell him, 'You did a great job listening with your ears,' and then I point to his ears.'"

Geri C. also recommends re-direction with young toddlers, and emphasizes that behavior which we find annoying and dangerous is really just curiosity on their part: "Try giving him an area with safe things of yours, like some plastic bowls and utensils, an old pan or two. Kids are developing their minds, they are curious [and] want what you have."

Diane S. uses re-direction in a slightly different way with her grandson. She finds a change of scenery helps:

"My 13-month-old grandson has tantrums sometimes, and I put his coat on him and take him outdoors. The change in atmosphere and climate seem to catch him off guard, and shortly we are playing outdoors as though nothing has happened."

2. Give or Take a Time Out

As a toddler's understanding and comprehension increases, moms find that time outs become a better way to teach right from wrong. Ashley M.'s son had his first time-out at 15 months old:

"I sat him on the floor in front of the kitchen sink, and set the microwave timer to 75 seconds. It's a minute for every year they are. I had to do it a few times, but he finally realized he had to sit until the timer went off and he would watch the timer and when he heard it beep he would look at me to tell him he could get up and I would explain to him why he was in time out."

A member who goes by the initial "J" says time outs are especially effective with her 15-month-old when he's misbehaving to get attention. For kids this age she suggests a time out of no more than 2-3 minutes and advises parents to take the time to explain the reasons for the time out in terms the child can understand.

Shelly I. recommends a reverse time out — one in which the parent takes the break: "give yourself a time out, and go to your room till [your child] calms down." Describing how she used this method with her own toddler, who "got it" after several repetitions, she says, "I would tell him that I didn't like being around him when he acted that way, and I would be back when he was pleasant."

3. Take Away a Toy

Toddlers are able to start to understand that there are consequences for their actions, and many moms say that you can help this along by taking away a favorite toy as punishment for misbehaving.

Sara B. found this worked well with her children. She would simply say, "If you do that again I am taking toys." As she further explains, "Whatever the favorite toy was that day, I would confiscate it if the bad behavior was repeated after this warning. When the fit ensued, I would give one more chance, making clear that they could have it back if they would calm down, and as long as they did not do X again."

The Debate Over Corporal Punishment

Corporal punishment of any kind is a highly debated issue in the Circle of Moms communities. Many moms feel that spanking, especially, is inappropriate for young toddlers who are just learning to explore the world around them. As Connie O., a childcare provider who has worked with many toddlers, points out, "They have absolutely no self-control at this age. They may know it's not something they should do, they may not want to get into trouble, but they lack the ability to self-regulate and control their impulses. It's wrong to punish a child for something they have no control over. That ability will form by the time they are two, and then time out and the expectation of compliance is appropriate."

Other moms of toddlers feel that when done correctly — gently and without anger, taps on the hand and swats on the bottom can be an effective way to discipline. "Giving my son a quick tap on his padded diaper while saying, 'No' was the only thing that got his attention," says Sheryl D. And Brandi G. feels that "popping" her girls on the hand and saying, "No" in a stern voice was the most effective way to get them to stop touching things that were dangerous or off limits.

But even this crosses the line for some. As TealRose sees it, even a light "pop" on the hand of a toddler under two years old does more harm than good:

"You don't need to smack his hand - he has no way of understanding why dearest mummy just hurt him. Simple child development will tell you that. He might stop touching that vase, but then he will stop touching a lot of things, and stop learning too– not good."

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

Discipline is a necessary part of helping your child grow into a responsible adult, but discipline disagreements between you and your spouse can derail any lessons you try to impart on your child.

"I know it’s not good for our kids to go through that, but how do I let go of control and allow [my husband] to discipline without my two cents every time?" Damara H. asks the RoundUp community. "I have a very hard time allowing anyone to say anything out of the way to my kids, and I don’t know how to get past that, especially with my husband, poor man. We just don’t agree on discipline because I don’t know how to let go and trust him to do it."

Similarly, Myriah P. seeks advice to better manage differences with her husband: "What do you do if you don’t agree with the way your husband wants to discipline the kids?" she asks. "We argue about it all the time."

For coming to terms with discipline disagreements so that you and your partner can parent as team, Circle of Moms offer the following five tips.

1. Maintain Respect

It’s natural for parents to disagree on discipline styles from time to time. After all, Kristi L. reasons, parents often come from very different backgrounds. Yet, to make your lessons beneficial for your child, you will have to compromise. You need to talk with your spouse and discuss what you like and don’t like about the way the other person disciplines and see if you can accept a mutually better way, she notes.

To do that, when you and your spouse disagree on how to discipline, it’s important to maintain respect for your partner so you don’t create ill feelings toward your partner that interferes with the disciplining of your child, Katie C. says.

Of course, parents aren’t going to have the opportunity to discuss discipline for every behavior in advance, Wendy C. acknowledges. But, it’s important "not to undermine [your spouse] and get cross [when you disagree]. We're not perfect. If I get it wrong, I say sorry."

2. Communicate Calmly

Parents won’t work out their discipline differences unless they can communicate with each other calmly. So it’s important for parents to talk about the guidelines with each other and let their opinions be heard, Becky E. says. "It's important for both of you to be comfortable with how your children are disciplined."

Monica T. agrees, saying even when she thinks her husband’s punishments are too harsh, she and her husband wait and discuss after both parties are calm.

When you are both calm, then you’re more likely to agree on a set of guidelines and punishments.

"Parenting is a united thing — or it should be if both parents are involved in the child's upbringing. Sitting down and discussing how each of you perceives offenses is important, as is the consequence that should be dealt for the infraction. Explaining how each of you feels gives the other person better insight to why you are or are not reacting to certain behaviors in a similar manner,"  Dawn B. explains.

3. Set Guidelines

As you discuss how each of you feels, pre-establish guidelines both parents agree with, says Jessica L. "Discipline is a partnership, a team effort. So one person shouldn’t have to do everything," she says.

Plus, you don’t want to be disagreeing over the discipline while in the midst of trying to correct your child, Circle of Moms members say.

Bonnie H. has gone as far as writing the rules out on a dry erase board and posting them for everyone in the family to see. With children from previous marriages, posting the house rules lets everyone know what both parents have agreed upon together and the consequences for breaking the rules, Bonnie explains. "It keeps the perspective clear for us, as well as the kids on expectations and consequences. If a rule is broken, we go to the board, explain why that rule is important to the child, and carry out the discipline action for it."

Melissa says if she didn’t write out the house rules then keeping the order would, "go to hell in a hand basket" with five children.

Posting the rules in detail can take a good amount of time to line out, Bonnie admits. "However, having a game plan, and compromising for a common goal beforehand, reduces the chance for disagreements later on. It also eliminates either parent from being the good or bad guy all the time since both will be able to carry out consistent discipline."

Guidelines ensure both parents are on the same page, and are consistent in dealing out consequences for bad behavior. But even if you and your spouse haven’t had time to work out a decision on disciplining beforehand, concur with the adult in front of the children, Katie C. says. "You don’t want the child to play head games with you two as the game," she explains, noting it’s especially important when parents are separated. "It’s more of a respect thing between the parents," she adds.

4. Be Consistent

Consistency in disciplining is crucial; parents must be on the same page when it comes to parenting, several Circle of Moms members say. "If you’re not, then the child can play sides and that leaves an open door for your child to continue to test boundaries, when boundaries should already be set," Donde M. says.

"You have to be on the same page as your partner, especially on the big issues, or the children will pick up on it and both suffer because of it, and manipulate both of you," a member who calls herself "Very Bloggy Beth" reiterates. "It's not possible to talk before having kids about every single parenting issue that's going to come up, but you should talk about issues as they arise, and decide where both of you will stand united on each issue. It's imperative."

"[Inconsistency sets] yourselves up for failure down the track, as your kids will very quickly learn that they can play one of you off against the other, or get away with different things with each parent," she says.

5. Don’t Disagree in Front of the Kids

Above all, even when you disagree, don’t argue in front of the kids. "You and your husband need to settle [arguments] in private so that the children don't see you disagreeing. If they're old enough, they are smart enough to use that wedge to divide you," Lisa C. tells Circle of Moms members.

Disagreeing in front of the kids is dangerous: "It makes one parent look like the ‘bad guy,’" Dyan D. emphasizes. "If there is a problem let's say an unfamiliar problem where there was no rule, even if you disagree with the method, wait until the child is not within earshot and discuss why you disagreed with whatever the method was. It is always important to have a united front."

Remember: "As frustrating as parental disagreements can be, it is a good recipe for healthy parenting," adds Odunayo O. "I believe our differences makes us special and gives each marriage its flavor."

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

Katherine W. is feeling anxious about disciplining her child. This Circle of Moms member wonders, “What is the world coming to when a mother can be so angry at her child that she yells so loud that if you were an outsider looking in you'd think, Oh my god, that’s no way to talk to a child.”

Her question gave me pause. Over the years I've shown parents how to correct behavior, enforce rules, apply boundaries, and reduce power struggles through Proactive Parenting. But I haven’t spent as much time as I would have liked talking about how love factors into correcting behavior.

You may be thinking, “I know what love is, how it feels and how to give it,” and indeed you do. But have you thought about the different forms love can take as you correct behavior?

When it comes to correcting a child’s behavior, love must be present. If you think about it, correcting behavior and love are two sides of the same coin! They need to be used together in order to create high impact lessons that activate change.

Yes, it’s true that unconditional love means to love your child no matter what, and that’s as it should be. However, if you look closer at the definition of unconditional love you’ll find it also means that you don’t rescue or interrupt the struggles your child must face in order to learn. Children must learn from the consequences of their actions while you lovingly support them.

Recently a parent asked me, “Why is it I never think to use love when I’m correcting my child. I only think about how mad my son makes me, then angrily send him to timeout, and maybe offer love later. It’s exactly how I was treated as a child, and even though I hated it, it’s what I do now with my own child. Why do I do that?”

Why We Fall Back on Anger

1. Parents think anger, when correcting behavior, is a key ingredient to making changes. Not so. Which do you prefer, being yelled at or calmly being told something?

2. Parents tend to equate unconditional love with accepting behavior, not transforming it.

3. Parents think unconditional love means being permissive or not correcting behavior at all. That’s a myth! Using unconditional love is w-a-y firmer, clearer, calmer and more instructional than any other way I know of to correct a child.

4. Parents believe that once a correction is made, a child should never repeat that behavior again. The truth is no mastery has occurred yet; children repeat a misbehavior because they’re in the process of learning.

It’s true there’s nothing harder than seeing your child emotionally upset, frustrated, or reaping the consequences of her actions. Every parent wants to jump in and rescue her from being upset. But that rescue cuts a child off from the developmental and emotional stretching she needs to go through that’s crucial for real change to occur.

Letting Kids Stumble and Struggle

Remember when your sweet one was learning to crawl, he’d cry and fuss as he rocked back and forth learning how to move. You’d support him, encourage him, but you’d never rescue him from mastering that crucial skill.

Think about what it took for your child to learn to tie her shoes. She’d cried and say, “I can’t do this — you do it for me!” That whiny behavior was the emotional expression of the frustration she was feeling inside. She needed to work through that frustration so she could propel herself forward and master the new skill. Rescuing her by tying her shoes would have only slowed the process down.

Using unconditional love allows you to firmly, supportively, and clearly enforce the boundaries in the situation, while allowing your child to work through her emotions. Supported by you, she can get to the realization that she will still be responsible for fixing what’s happened.

How you offer this kind of support is key. Visit my website to learn the specific language of unconditional love in correcting a variety of different behaviors.

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.