Behavior Tips

I live in a big city and every day witness people being curt and mean and yelling at each other. It's as if no one cares how others are feeling anymore. Every time I hear it, I get sad.

When spouses/partners, parents and kids, or strangers on the street are angry and no resolution occurs, the injured party walks away feeling isolated and alone. The connection is lost. That lost connection causes people to remain angry and spread their anger from one person or situation to another. It’s the kick-the-dog syndrome.

How can we reconnect again?

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Do you think spanking helps kids or hurts them?

About a week ago, I was standing in line at one of the tween/teen clothing shops at the mall with my daughter. The mom behind me and her young son started squabbling as the little guy became increasingly worked up over the long line and started squirming and whining that he wanted to leave. His mom kept demanding, "Stop it." Suddenly, the palm of her hand exploded against his backside — not once, but in rapid-fire motion, eliciting a burst of tears that turned into all-out wails.

My daughter and I were horrified, as it appeared almost everyone in line appeared to be too. The sadness on the little boy's face and his humiliation were palpable, and as his tears kept flowing, she resumed meting out her punishment.

My daughter and I talked about our disturbing feelings the entire way home. I told her how when I was growing up, these kinds of corporal punishment were standard in many homes. Spanking was just how parents disciplined.

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Tears and screaming are one thing, but what should you do when your toddler or preschooler's temper tantrum turns more violent? 

"My son is going to seriously hurt himself," says worried Circle of Moms member Savannah R. of her 1 year old. "What I worry about is the fact that he throws himself around. If he's sitting up he will throw himself backward and half the time [will] hit something as he goes down. Or if there is something in front of him he will slam his head into it. Table, wall, couch, you name it." Similarly, mom Kayla P. says her 18-month-old daughter "will not stop hitting herself in the head or banging her head on the floor when she gets angry."

If you, too, are wondering what to do when your child starts head-butting and hitting during tantrums, consider these seven tips from Circle of Moms members.

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Arguing happens anywhere, anytime, and at any age. A child asks for something, mom or sibling says NO, and the child begins to argue. Mom or sibling gets mad, hoping it will stop the arguing. The child just speaks faster and louder, trying to explain. Mom or sibling reaches the end of their rope and yells, "Stop it!" but the arguing and negotiating continues. A power struggle is in full swing.

That scene raises the question, "Why doesn't arguing and negotiating stop when a parent yells, 'Stop it?'" Here are three reasons why.

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Preschoolers love to make messes. Just ask Circle of Moms member Jessica E., who describes a day in the life of her 3-year-old daughter this way: "She pulls my makeup down and smears it. She opens up bottles of shampoo and squirts them empty. She empties toothpaste on the walls, colors everywhere, and throws food everywhere (like a box of crackers or grapes)." Help, she begs. "I have tried everything. I just don't know what to do about all the messes and how to get her to stop."

Whether it's unrolling toilet paper, scattering toys throughout the house, or coloring on the walls, all this mess-making is a sign that your preschooler is doing her job: exploring the world. But even though her habit is developmentally appropriate, it can be hard to live with! Here, to the rescue, are three tips from Circle of Moms members on controlling the chaos, plus advice on how to deal with your little mess-maker's behavior in restaurants.

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Nothing in parenting remains the same from day to day — nothing except the presence of feelings! Feelings are part of life, part of being a child, and definitely part of parenting. Because your child is growing quickly, her feelings change from one moment to the next. That means your parenting solutions have to change, too.

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"I'd have to take off my socks to count the number of times in a day I have to repeat myself," writes Nicole E., responding to the article How Yelling Cancels Listening. "How does this work for kids who don't listen unless you yell? At the very least, I have to scream their names and then talk . . . but even then, they usually don't listen."

Here's my question to Nicole and others: is it possible that your children perceive your repetitions as warnings that will lead to an ultimatum, rather than as instructions to stop right away?

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We all know that modeling is a big part of parenting. As mom-of-two Vanessa D. asks, "I don't know how to tell my daughter that she cannot yell at me when I get mad at her for something she shouldn't do. I need help. Does anyone have any other way to teach her not to yell back?"

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Charity P.'s daughter is developing a "smart mouth" and the attitude to go with it. As the Circle of Moms member describes it, "She is very disrespectful, especially in public and in front of company." Unchecked, the problem is just getting worse and worse. "What do I do?" she laments.

Moms of yore simply washed their teens' mouths out with a bar of soap. But these days, parents are looking for more relaxed and effective ways to stop this disrespectful behavior. Given these higher expectations, how do you get your teen to stop the snide and rude back talk? Here are six smart suggestions from Circle of Moms members who've wrestled with this issue.

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