LilSugar

He Doesn't Seem to Listen? Blame His Brain

TresSugar — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 11:30:00 -0700

I've been lucky to have boyfriends who didn't just love talking like I do, but who were good listeners, too. Maybe they were in the minority, or maybe they worked hard to overcome what many scientists say is a male brain hardwired to keep conversation short and informational.

Compared to women's brains, researchers conclude that men's brains not only have fewer verbal centers, but their brains produce less serotonin and oxytocin. The former aids in calming a person down and the latter with bonding.

Sociolinguist Deborah Tannen's fascinating book You Just Don't Understand: Men and Women in Conversation, focused on how men and women are socialized to have different conversational styles. Women, she argued, use talk to connect emotionally to another person, while men use conversation to impart knowledge. If you want to hear tips on how men and women can better communicate, then read more.

So whether we look to biology or society for the differences in men and women's conversational styles, the differences seem to be there. How can we bridge the gap? Psychotherapist Robi Ludwig has some tips. For men, she suggests that they remind themselves that although they think women talk too much, take too long to get to the point, or don't allow for lulls in conversation, that women are talking to connect to them, so they should listen to show emotional support. Women don't necessarily want you to solve the problems they're telling you about - just listen. And just because you're not fascinated with what she's saying, she probably listens to a lot of stuff with rapt attention about which she couldn't care less.

And women? Pay attention to timing. Don't bring things up when he's trying to unwind, try to keep it short and to the point (this would be impossible for me!), and make sure he's listening by pausing and maintaining eye contact. Or, you could use a strategy some of my female friends have taken: go to your female friends if you have something you really want someone to listen to!

Do Tell: How Do You Know If You're Boring Someone?

TresSugar — Tue, 28 Apr 2009 09:00:00 -0700

I can be a terrible bore when talking about my chronic allergies or compound hyphenation, but I am hypersensitive to the second I see anyone's eyes drift or glaze over. And who knows how long that takes! But the second I do, I try to steer the conversation to more interesting waters, like your allergies.

Whether it's body language or canned responses, I'm sure you all have grace-saving tactics to recognize when you've said enough. How do you know when it's time to change it up?

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Group Therapy: What’s the Best Way to Bring Up STI Testing?

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 04:00:00 -0700

I’ve been seeing this guy for about a month and things are going really well. I’m on the pill and would be happy to skip the condoms once we get there, but only if I know he’s been tested for STIs. What’s the best way to ask if he’s been tested, or to ask him to go get tested? What’s the best wording? I don’t want to offend him by implying that he's promiscuous, but at the same time, I want to be safe. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

[EDITOR'S NOTE: To read more GROUP THERAPY, click here or submit your own question here.]
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Do Tell: What Conversations Are Off-Limits in Your Bedroom?

DearSugar — Wed, 18 Mar 2009 10:00:00 -0700

The bedroom is a sacred place meant for sleeping, relaxing, and of course, getting busy! But to keep the bedroom a stress-free zone, it's important to take care of any arguments or loaded conversations before settling in for the night. If this is something you strive for, do tell, what conversations are off-limits in your bedroom?

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What Was the Most Common Topic of Conversation at Your Thanksgiving Table?

DearSugar — Fri, 28 Nov 2008 06:00:00 -0800

Politics and the economy have been the big topics of conversation this year - with good reason - but since many families have a "no politics" clause during family get-togethers, the hot topics are usually off limits. If your family is anything like mine, it's those hot topics that end up dominating the conversation anyway.

Getting family together can be tough enough as it is without engaging in heated debate so tell me, what were the conversations at your table like this year? Were they calm, cool, and collected or were they comprised of typical family arguments?

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Relationship Protocol: Touchy Subjects

DearSugar — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 15:00:00 -0700

As we make it through the personal successes, failures, and traumas of life, it’s inevitable that we pick up some sore spots along the way that when poked or nudged, can release a torrent of feelings. And just as we develop them on our own, it’s common for touchy subjects to arise as we encounter normal relationship issues. It could be something that consistently creates an argument or something that makes one person extremely uncomfortable, whatever it is, it always involves a lot of emotion. Do you and your significant other have any of these sensitive spots? Are there things you avoid talking about or have to tread lightly if you do?

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Mommy Dearest: Uncensored Friends

LilSugar — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 07:00:01 -0700

Mommy Dearest,

My friends love my daughter, and she can't get enough of their stories. The problem is that these single women aren't used to telling the abridged versions of their weekend tales, many of which are not appropriate for a 6-year-old's ears. I don't want to censor them, but I also don't want them talking about "hooking up" or their weight issues in her presence.

- Uncensored Friends

To read the response from Mommy Dearest, read more.

Uncensored Friends,

Friendships aside, your responsibility is to your daughter and you have every right to request that certain topics like sex and body image issues not be discussed in front of her. Realizing it's in the child's best interest, I'm sure your friends will happily oblige or adopt some Samantha Jones "coloring" code words. If this isn't the case, you might want to leave your lil girl with a sitter the next time you head out for fun with the ladies and adult conversation.

- Mommy Dearest

Submit a question for this feature at the Mommy Dearest Group on TeamSugar.

Photo courtesy of New Line

Dear Poll: Who Do You Talk to Most on the Phone?

DearSugar — Tue, 10 Jun 2008 14:00:00 -0700

I'm lucky enough to have my closest friends and family living just five minutes away, yet I still manage to log some serious phone time whenever I have a free moment. Now I know some people aren't that great on the phone, but even if you're more of a face-to-face kind of gal, there's always an exception to the rule so ladies, tell me: Who do you talk to most?

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Do Tell: How Do You Initiate Conversations With Men?

DearSugar — Sat, 17 May 2008 11:27:52 -0700

This past week I threw out a few suggestions for starting a conversation in a group of women, and some of you mentioned that it’s actually easier to start a convo with men. This makes a lot of sense to me since women seem to be more cautious than men when it comes to initiating any kind of relationship - even on an acquaintance level - but still, I have friends who perpetually avoid initiating a conversation with guys. So help them out and do tell: What do you do or say to get the conversation going with a man?

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Conversation Starters to Break the Ice Among Women

DearSugar — Thu, 15 May 2008 10:00:00 -0700

It’s easy to get that first-day-of-school nervousness all over again when you’re in a room full of unfamiliar women who all seem to know each other, which always seems to be the case when it comes to wedding celebrations like bridal showers and bachelorette parties. But breaking the ice one-liners aren’t just for the dating scene. I’ve come up with some first lines for getting the convo started on other occasions, too. To see them and add your own, read more.

”Hi. I’m DearSugar.” Probably the most direct and least used, it's just a basic introduction of yourself. It seems intimidating, but most people are receptive to a simple “hello.”
”How do you know the bride [or host]?” This is a great intro that opens up the door for all sorts of conversation.
”What do you think of the party?” It might sound cheesy, but asking such a simple question is actually an extremely easy way to make an introduction or carry on a conversation. Plus, if you're both having a miserable time, there's no better way to bond!
"Where are you from?" Even the most humble of us enjoy talking about ourselves every once and a while, and this is a great way to give someone the opportunity to.
”I’m the same way” or “I completely agree.” If you hear someone talking about something that you connect with, chime in. Women love to know that they’re surrounded by like-minded people.
”I love your blouse.” The compliment may seem a bit cliché, but there’s a reason why it’s an old standby - it works! A few words later, and you can segue into a more interesting topic.

These are just a few of many, and admittedly, they're playing it safe. But if you feel more daring, go for it and skip the awkward conversation starters all together. I know I’m leaving some out, so let me ask all of you: what lines do you use when trying to get to know other women?

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