siblings

The role birth order plays in shaping children's personalities and IQs has been debated and researched for years. But do the stereotypes hold water?

"They say that children's behavior and development depends . . . a big percent on what role they play in families," Brenda says, asking other Circle of Moms members, "Where is your child at?" Another member named Charlie P. has a similar question. "Birth order and personality: Where do you fit in? Do you think this is an accurate description of you or your children?"

As you parent, Circle of Moms members say it's worth considering your children's birth order, and subsequently how you work through some of the less desirable traits. Read on.

When it comes to birthday party etiquette, the question of whether to invite or bring along siblings is a common topic on Circle of Moms. Moms planning parties often want only the invited guests to come, while moms on the other end wonder what to do when child care is needed for the siblings, or how to explain why they can't go. If you, too, are wondering what to do when siblings aren't invited to birthday parties, then Circle of Moms members suggest you consider the following three guidelines on birthday party etiquette.

Keep reading.

Here's a post from our partners at BabyCenter! Every week, we bring you the best parenting and lifestyle stories from the experts at BabyCenter, including this post about the benefits of siblings.

I don’t remember life before my sister. But, I do remember stuffing her in between the crack of her bed and the wall. And, leaving her. And, thinking life was better that way.

Of course, we are older now and best friends. It's hard to think about life without her. What if she had never shimmied her way out of that bed crack? It doesn't bear thinking about. (Though, I'd imagine none of my Halloween candy would've ever disappeared again.)

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Siblings are wonderful, except when they're not. We laugh, entertain and protect one another — from issues as bizarre as who is forced to eat the last piece of Banana Tofu Pie (yes, things like that happened in my house) to who is forced to sit with the other at lunch because no one else at school will. I protected my sister with only my wits and a hairbrush once. (Long story.) We phoned each other deep into the night to complain about boys and our parents. Come to think of it — who do children complain to about their parents if they have no sibling?

But, she also stole my candy, my parents' attention and my sanity. She claims I even stole one of her friends, but I would maintain that I had no idea that she was already friends with him before I became friends with him.

Sometimes, I wonder what my son's life will be like without a sibling. He has a sister, but May is severely disabled and, despite adoring her, she will never be the kind of companion in life that mine was to me. She takes up so much of our time already, I worry about him losing even more to a needy infant. He isn't even two years old, and already he entertains himself. Which is both wonderful, and a bit sad.

In his case, I'm not sure the benefits would outweigh the negatives. But, perhaps, like I do — he will appreciate the presence of a sibling more when he is older. When we have to stay at home with May and he would like his family to join him at a big event. When he just wants to laugh with someone, or head to the pub to complain bitterly to someone who will understand why his parents are so strange. Or later, when choices about May need to be made and he is making them on his own.

There's still time. I'm only 40.

Do you think the benefits of a sibling outweigh the negatives?

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I was 12 years old when I was given the biggest assignment in my life: take care of my sister at school. My older sister has a learning disability, so back in the ’80s when there were fewer resources for children with special needs, my parents held my sister back one grade so we could attend public middle school at the same time. Simultaneously, they assigned me to be her protector.

It didn’t seem like that big of a deal at the time. Mostly I was charged with making sure that she got to her homeroom on time, that she was doing OK socially, that other kids weren’t teasing her during lunch or recess, and that we got off of the city bus at the correct stop together on our way home. I also don’t question my parents’ thought process in assigning me such an immense responsibility. If you, as a parent, had to be away from your child for eight hours each day, wouldn't you want someone you trust to help look out for her?

In hindsight, however, I suspect that being asked to concern myself with my sister’s whereabouts for several hours each week has made me the worrier that I am today. This leads me to wonder: Is it fair for a parent to ask their teen or tween to take care of a younger sibling? Circle of Moms member Sal G. has similar concerns, questioning how much parents should rely on older kids to help out, while admitting that she asks her teenage son to do things for her two preschoolers. She asks more bluntly, "should older siblings be unpaid childcare?" Keep reading for five points to consider.

"So when are you going to try for the boy?"

This question irritates me more than any other.

I have two girls. Two adorable, sweet, amazing daughters. 

Our plan was always to have two children. Of course, we knew that we didn't have total control over this plan, but our plan was two kids.

Two children. Two kids. Not necessarily one boy and one girl.

Why is there so much pressure to change our plan? Is it just so we can get the "perfect" family?

"You Get What You Get and You Don't Get Upset"

Both times I was pregnant I was teaching in elementary school. The kids were fascinated and asked all kinds of questions (thankfully, all ones I could answer). They were especially obsessed with what we would name the baby, and if the baby was a boy or a girl. They all had very strong opinions, both times, about what I "should" have. I would always laugh and tell them "It's a 'you get what you get and you don't get upset' situation". 

I'm not going to lie though... when I was pregnant with my second, on my way to the gender revealing ultrasound, there was a little part of me that was hoping for a boy. Not because I feel my husband needs a son, or because I feel like we need to have a "male heir," but just because I'd love to experience parenting both genders. However, when the tech said confidently "it's a girl!" that disappointment melted away.

There are wonderful advantages to having two children of the same gender. Hand me downs are easy. Room sharing isn't an issue. Lessons can be passed down. There's an awesome bond between sisters (and brothers).

So again, why the pressure?

I polled a number of my friends who are moms, both online and off, and asked them two questions:

1) If they had two children of the same gender, did they feel any pressure, either internal or external, to "try" for the opposite?

2) If they had a boy and a girl, did they feel the pressure was off and that they could be "done"?

The answer to both was overwhelmingly "Yes."

"Trying" for the Opposite Gender

The external pressure in both situations is relentless. Upon finding out she'd be having another boy, one mom even had family tell her, "Oh well, we'll love him anyway." One mom, upon the same discovery, was told, "Well now you have to have a third!" In cases where the "perfect balance" was reached, moms felt that their desire to continue to procreate wasn't understood. Why have a third and upset that balance? They had the perfect family: a boy, and a girl!

There was internal pressure too. Several moms were already planning on third children, but felt that this time they'd really be pinning their hopes on the other gender, whatever it was (boys/girls didn't seem to make much difference). One remarked that if she had a third boy, she knew her husband would be disappointed. One admitted she longed for a son, to experience that different relationship than a mom has with her daughters. Some confessed that if they had one of each they probably wouldn't have a third child, but with two of the same they felt like they "try" for the opposite gender.

But if you're trying...can you fail? If you're pinning all your hopes on that boy, what happens when you hear the announcement "It's a girl!!"

There were times when I was teaching when I saw families that seemed to take the "try for a ____" to heart. Five children: girl, girl, girl, girl, boy. Six children: boy, boy, boy, boy, boy, girl.

If you want a big family, I feel you should continue to expand your family as long as you are able - both to "acquire" children, by whatever means, and raise them until you feel your family is complete.

But if you have hit your "magic number," I feel that pressure needs to turn off. You are given the family that is perfect for you.

The Right Fit

I'll always remember a story my dad likes to tell. My sister and I were young, and we were vacationing with another family who also had two young daughters. The four girls were playing lakeside, the moms were enjoying some rare adult only time, and the two dads were supervising. My father remarked to his friend that there were times he wished he'd had a son. His friend nodded, then pointed to the four little girls and said "which one would you have been willing to trade in?"

I've conceived four children - I've birthed two. Two of my little angels didn't make it past the 10 week mark. In my first pregnancy, I lost the baby right as we were starting to share our news, which was heartbreaking. It's not widely known, but my second child was initially a twin. At my first ultrasound, the tech told me her hunch was boy/girl fraternal twins, although we obviously will never know for sure. When we discovered that one twin no longer had a heartbeat, I was both devastated and relieved. I grieved for the child we'd lost, but at the same time, I had to celebrate the child we had.

Two losses...yet I still feel we were given the children we were supposed to have. Maybe those two were our boys... we'll never know. It doesn't matter. I do know that I feel our family is complete. And even if I didn't, I don't know that I'd have an easy time getting pregnant again, knowing that my body knows how to get pregnant, but doesn't always know how to stay that way.

If I get the itch to have another, we'll discuss it, and maybe we'll go for it if we feel it's right. We'll find out the gender at the halfway mark, because we're impatient people.

And no matter what we have, we'll know it's the right fit. 

Image Source: iStock Photo

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

Five years ago, if anyone told me that their family plan included having two children less than two years apart, I assumed they were delusional. Yet that’s the situation I unexpectedly found myself in: despite taking the pill religiously, I got pregnant with my second child when my first was nine-months-old.

The nurse who ran my mommy and me class had advised me that the best time to have a second child is after your first born turns two years old. (Doctors, too, generally recommend waiting to have another baby at least 18 to 23 months after the birth of the previous child, and making sure that health concerns are absent.) But I've found that you can’t rely solely on a health practitioner’s advice to determine the best time to have another baby. When it comes to all things child-related — including pregnancy — nature doesn't always bow to conventional wisdom.

As I learned shortly after, and as Circle of Moms members reminded me, my children benefit from having a sibling, no matter how big or small the age difference is. So go ahead and determine your family’s goals when trying to pinpoint the best time to have another baby. But as Circle of Moms members reveal, the best laid plans often remain just that: plans.

The Benefits of Closely Spaced Siblings

Moms who recommend having siblings close together feel that it provides great benefits: closely-spaced siblings have built-in playmates and can share the same toys. The closeness also can help to reduce conflict, says Anna B., who had three kids within 33 months. Her older child registered no jealousy when she brought a new baby home, and she "has no memory of being an only child."

Leslie W. also appreciates that she didn't have to “prepare” her daughter for the new baby. “To her, the new baby was just the way of life; me nursing the baby, no big deal to her. If I had an older toddler, I would have had to explain everything to her ... There was also no jealousy, since she didn't know any different.” 

Leslie's son and daughter, born 15 months apart, are becoming close friends: “My daughter loves her baby brother. She helps me a lot, and changing two babies in diapers is no big deal. I've been telling all my friends that if they wish to have another baby, a 15 to 18 month gap is the best because your kids will be close and care for each other, play together, etc."

Heather C., explains the developmental reasons for the easy tranisitons these moms report: “Once your eldest child is two years old, they have a greater sense of self and are likely to be more affected by jealousy and sibling rivalry than a younger child who hasn't quite figured things out yet ... it's less likely they'll enjoy things together and be so close, as their interests and ages would be so different.”

The Benefits of Widely Spaced Siblings

On the other hand, moms whose children are more widely spaced say it gives parents the chance to catch their breath in between, and the opportunity to focus on each child's development as an individual. As Heather C. notes, “With a bigger gap, you get more quality time with the new baby (especially if the eldest is at school)."

The older child can even be a built-in babysitter, adds Jessica C. Her son "adores" his big sister, who is nine years older.

Chelsy S. simply appreciates that she won’t have two children in diapers at the same time, because her three and a half-year-old daughter will be potty trained by the time the second baby arrives.

The Benefits of Not Worrying About It

I have to agree with Circle of Moms members Dana D. and Kim B., who feel that there’s really no perfect gap for the spacing of children. "There are advantages to having siblings closely spaced together as well as farther apart," points out Dana, and Kim feels that “kids will benefit in different ways no matter what the age gap, so it's is really about when you and your husband are ready for another — or are surprised with one."

Kim's last point is a great one to end on. As my own story shows, no matter what you plan, life can throw you pregnancy and fertility curveballs. Kristin E.'s first child was just slightly older than three when her second finally came along. “We weren't planning on having that big of a gap, but it took me a bit longer to get pregnant than I was hoping,” she shares. Sharon R. concurs: “Sometimes we cannot choose the age difference, as you never know [how easy or difficult it will be to get pregnant."

Only you can judge when you think the time is right for you to have another child. And even when you think you and your partner are in sync about when you want another baby, your body may not cooperate. Which is why I believe, as community member Amanda D. does, that whether close together or spaced apart, “children are a blessing, and blessings always work out for the best.”

Image Source: sean dreilinger via Flickr/Creative Commons

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

Here's a post from our partners at BabyCenter! Every week, we bring you the best parenting and lifestyle stories from the experts at BabyCenter, including this post from Stacie Lewis about kids sharing a room.

My son is 15 months old. My daughter 3-and-a-half. No one would accuse them of uncontrollable sexual urges. But, after my post yesterday about the unexpected joys of them sharing a bedroom, I read comments on how brothers and sisters are kept apart, specifically for this reason. Even young children like mine.

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• Jeanine wrote in: ". . . where I live siblings can't share a room if they are different genders. So if #2 is a girl I'll have to rethink what to do."
• Katie Kimes: "I live in Cleveland, Ohio and CPS can get involved in room sharing of opposite sex kids if the oldest is over 5. Its a form of child neglect here."
• And, this tweet I received from @sarahmanynames: "This is true for foster children in the US, even if they are siblings"

This really shocked me, especially the last one. But, I found examples, such as this policy in Arkansas, in regards to adopting and fostering children: "Children of opposite sexes will have their own separate bedrooms if either child is 4 years old or older, except for a mother in foster care with her child(ren)." And, countless other examples of people questioning the legality of children sharing rooms. (I couldn't find any law against it.)

Are we really so paranoid now that we don't trust 4-year-olds of the opposite sex?

The situation in which a child must be fostered is already a traumatic one. Should we separate siblings on top of that? Make them feel even more alone? I would question the merits of such a policy, especially as housing two or more siblings together is already a challenge. Under this policy, it must be the case that sometimes appropriate housing cannot be found, and that siblings are separated into different foster families because the requirement cannot be met.

Four-year-olds are one thing, perhaps, but teenagers are another. What will I do when my children hit puberty?

In my research for this post, I came across an old Dear Abby column. A mother wrote in to her about her two teenaged children, of the opposite sex, who share a room: "Many evenings, my husband and I have stood in the hallway and heard the children talking about their friends, teachers, relatives, even us; sharing ideas and discussing problems. When children share a bedroom, they learn to cooperate, share, and compromise."

Abby responded: "It's obvious that you are ignoring (or denying) the power of natural and very strong sexual urges in that period in the life of a normal teen-age boy and girl. To subject them to the nightly stress of such close private physical proximity is not only unfair to them, but also presents a greater risk of subjecting them to a potentially traumatic and incestuous experience."

This column would not be so out of place today. What a dark fear we have of our own children, if we subject them to the kind of paranoia that paints them as sexual predators in their own bedrooms. It says far more about us, the adults, than them.

Would you worry about your 4-year-old sharing a room? Your teenager?

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"If I was to have another child, would I experience that wonderful feeling of speechlessness and instant endless love I did with my first?," wonders Circle of Moms member Melissa S.

Thinking about having another child? Many moms find having a second child to be an entirely new experience, with feelings of guilt and sadness mixed into the joy, and everything from the pregnancy itself to the amount of bonding time with the new baby considerably different.

These contrasts evoke a lot of anxiety in women who are considering their second pregnancies, and especially in those who are already approaching the birth of their second. As pregnant member, Heidi S., shares, “My daughter is the light of my life and means everything to me. I’m not as excited with [soon-to-be-born baby] Anthony and I feel guilty for it. I have a week and a half until he gets here and I don’t even have his room set up yet. I’m hoping when he gets here all the feelings that I have for Elaina will be there for Anthony.”

Bridget R. confirms that the feelings remain complicated even after the new baby comes; she felt guilty having another child when her daughter was only 18 months-old and had to mourn the loss of so much one-on-one time with her firstborn. But there's more to the story. Yes, these feelings persist, but they do resolve. Here, moms who've made the transition from one child to two share encouraging news about the adjustment.

Your Love Multiplies

Jane M. and other members reassure that these fears everntually go away when you have your second child. “I was nervous too, but you will be so happy when you get that little baby in your arms and see just how quickly your love multiplies over and over again," says Jane. 

Jodie R. felt the same. “Twenty weeks into my second pregnancy I still wasn’t sure [about having a second baby]," she confides. "It wasn’t till I found out his gender and started buying for him that I started to feel connected, slowly, [and] once he was born it changed so much. Thinking about it now, I've been more protective of him than my first."

You'll Adapt

Your family will indeed change forever with the birth of a second, say several moms, but you will adjust. For instance, daily activities will take longer, but Good D. reassures that you'll learn to multitask like never before. She figured out how to change her two year-old’s diaper while breastfeeding her newborn!

More profoundly, says Jennifer G., your older child may discover a new bond with dad or another family member to make up for some of the time she no longer gets with you. To maintain your own bond and to alleviate the jealousy your firstborn may feel towards your new bundle, a mom named Jillian advises making it a priority to still spend some special one-on-one time with her.

You'll Eventually Be Thrilled

A member named Fiona echoes Jodie R.'s assessment that a second birth can evoke emotions that are entirely new and positive. She was initially disappointed to find herself pregnant with another child, but tells Circle of Moms members that the birth itself “fulfilled and empowered” her.

Fiona also says that having another child allowed her to see her firstborn, a son, in a new light, as a “a gentle, loving, caring and accepting big brother with no jealousy or fear or concern regarding the new little person sharing his life." With the benefit of hindsight, she wouldn't change "a second of our journey," because the closeness in her two boys' ages has brought so many benefits.

Even if your hesitation, or other factors, result in a bigger age span, you'll no doubt eventually be thrilled to have added to your family. Christina F., who has a seven-year gap between her children, is delighted she didn't just leave it at one: “We have never regretted having a second — and a third.”

Image Source: thedianna