grandparents

Post-divorce custody arrangements can be challenging for parents to manage, and when you start adding grandparents to the mix, it can become downright emotionally confusing as well.

While many moms who've discussed this issue on Circle of Moms feel it's important to help maintain a grandparent-grandchild relationship that was healthy and happy before the divorce, many also find themselves hesitating because of the complicated feelings involved.

Here are some tips, gathered from the Circle of Moms community, that make it easier for parents to help their children maintain ties with grandparents after a split. 

1. Be Honest About Your Fears

When grandmother Sue B. learned her son and his wife were getting a divorce, she worried that her ex-daughter-in-law might not let her see her grandchildren again. While some advised her to find out about her legal rights to visitation, Circle of Moms member Joy W. provided a less aggressive tactic: talk to the children’s mother first.

"You need to talk to your daughter-in-law and explain that you did not divorce her or the children," says Joy.

It’s good advice for both sides. Some parents worry that their children’s grandparents are going to bad-mouth them to the children, while many grandparents just worry they won’t get to see their grand kids. Being honest about your worries not only clears the air, but also helps to establish boundaries for the new relationship.

2. Don’t Play the Blame Game

When a marriage breaks up, nobody really knows the whole story except for the two people involved. That doesn’t stop people from placing blame, though. Whether you’re a parent who thinks your in-laws contributed to your divorce or a grandparent who thinks your child’s ex-spouse is to blame, when it comes to grandchildren that shouldn’t matter.

Melodie had to make some hard choices about her own parents' relationship with their grandchildren because of their insistence on saying bad things about her ex in front of the kids. 

"I have asked them over and over to keep their thoughts to themselves," she says. In the end, both her parents and her children lost out, as Melodie decided if her parents couldn’t watch their mouths, they couldn’t watch their grandchildren either.

3. Don’t Expect Your Ex to Facilitate a Relationship

Circle of Moms member Tiffany G. says her child’s father isn’t a part of his life, but that her son’s grandmother wants to be.

Most moms feel that the importance of facilitating a relationship with good grandparents should trump your discomfort with having to deal with them. As Shannon R. bluntly puts it, "You can't punish the child [by not letting him see] his grandparents just because your ex is a deadbeat."

You can make it a little easier by agreeing to meet at a public place, or if you’re comfortable with it, even inviting grandparents to visit at your home. It helps to minimize the risk of you or your child running into your ex, and keeps things on familiar ground.

4. Remember, It’s About the Kids 

Brandy B. is one mom who makes sure her kids still see her ex’s parents regularly, even though it’s awkward for both her and her ex. After all, she says, "it's about the kids and what's best for them."

She's one of many divorced moms who feel that continuity — in routines, relationships, and surrounding, is really important for kids, especially after their parents break up, and that if a child's pre-divorce world included their grandparents, it stills needs to.

"Grandparents have a valuable role in kids lives," points out Anne Marie M. Since grandparents are not the ones enforcing everyday rules, their role is different than a parent's — and worth supporting.

Image Source: Tim Pierce via Flickr/Creative Commons

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

Roe M., a new mom, says her own mother is excited to have a grandchild, but less so about being called 'Grandma.' "I'm looking for an alternate name to call my mom other than the usual ‘Grand mom,"  she says, and it turns out she's not alone. Whether it's that they are a more active generation, for whom the moniker "Grandma" conjures the wrong image,  or simply that they are more individualistic than grandmothers of yore, many moms  find themselves casting about for alternative names for the generation that preceded them.

For many, the answer is simple: If a grandma doesn’t want to be called by that title, then as Rachelle W. suggests to grandmas, “let them call you your [real] name.”

Some families choose this path for convenience's sake, as Andrea explains: "My children call my mother-in-law 'Grandma Chris,' only because they have so many Grandmas. My ex in-laws are Grandma Brenda and Grandpa Chris. Then there is my grandmother, who all the great grandkids call Grandma Choochoo."

In some cases, Circle of Moms members suggest their children use "Grandma" and then the grandparent's last name. As a member named Amy explains, "My kids call my husband's parents 'Grandmom Brown' and 'Grandpop Brown."

But a more creative approach to naming that special person in your children's lives seems to be increasingly popular. Here, members share three good strategies for what to call— oh you know, the one formerly known as "Grandma."

1. Let Your Child Create The Name

Heather M. was intent on having her kids call her mom “Mema,” until her son decided to create his own variations. ”I say let him develop his own name for grandma,” says Heather M. Her son’s creations: “Mamam,” and “Mamee.”

Sherri C. says her daughter goes for the short and sweet name she created for her grandma. “She calls her grandmother ‘G Ma,” she says. "My kids' grandmother is called "Granna" and she loves it," says Trish.  "My nephew couldn't say Grandma and it came out Granna and it stuck. A younger version of Grandma."

Judith T. says: "Your baby will mispronounce whatever name you try to get her to use. That can become her own personal name for her grandmother. My children called their grandparents (my in-laws) Mum and Pawpaw because that is what my firstborn, their first grandchild, came out with when he tried to say Gramma and Grampa."

Amber's  daughter "is quite imaginative and she changed my husband's parents' grand names on her own. She calls my husband's mother Nama, also another suggestion."

2. Choose an Affectionate Term

If you’re going to come up with a new name for ‘Grandma’ you might as well get creative, suggests Lisbeth R. “Why not a "cutie’" name of your own like Roro, Roey, or Romi?” she asks. Heather N. and Adria H. agree, suggesting “Neenie” and "Glamma," respectively.

Many Circle of Moms members are looking for affectionate terms and have come up with names like “Gammie,” or “Mom-Mom.”  "I came up with Nini (pronouced like knee-knee) [and] she loves it, " says Amber. In a member named Atesha's house, Grandma's name is "GG."

3. Mine Your Ancestry

Many families pick a name based on their ancestry. Angie B.’s kids use the Spanish name “Abuelita,” for their grandma. Sharlene C.’s family uses the Russian word: “My mother-in-law is ‘Baka’ (pronounced Bucka),” she says. “She is Russian and my husband and his brother couldn’t say babushka when they were little, so it has stuck through the generations.” “Nuna,” a German version is the name, is what Faith H.’s kids use. And Natasha D.'s kids call their grandmother 'Oma,” which she says is Dutch.

What do your kids call Grandma?

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

On stressful days, I just want to crank my DeLorean up to 88 mph and travel back to the 1980s, when parenting seemed less taxing and came with a far skinnier rule book.  I’m not alone — a report from the Social Issues Research Centre found that nearly half of mothers think the 1970s and 1980s were an easier time to raise children. Unconvinced?  Check out how simple it was for our parents:

1. Instead of fussing over car seats, parents could toss kids in the “way back” of the station wagon and let them roll around like oranges.

2. Everybody in the family shared one phone. Not only was a land line way cheaper than individual mobiles, but Mom always knew who was calling her kids—and her husband.

3. It was totally acceptable to send the kids out to play after lunch and ask only that they be back by dinner.  Or dark. Bug bites were a bigger concern than child predators.

4. Swimming pools had diving boards, bicycles were ridden without helmets and newborns could sleep on their stomachs. Sure it was riskier, but think how much easier it must have been to keep kids happy.   

5. Flight attendants (back when they were called stewardesses) would bend over backwards to entertain your kids on the airplane, taking them on field trips to the cockpit, doling out coloring books, and awarding those coveted wings. Now you’re lucky if you can score some 2% milk. 

6. When a preteen son saw boobies for the first time, it was in National Geographic or (gasp) Playboy — not in a hardcore fetish video readily accessed from a smartphone.   

7. Childcare was a combination of grandma and the teenager next door who charged a buck fifty an hour. Today, our babysitter makes ten times that amount, but I’m pretty sure we don’t earn 10 times what our parents did.

8. The most violent video game on the market was Super Mario Bros. To my knowledge, there were no “school hammerings” as a result.   

9. Remember the four food groups?  =Carbs were an essential part of the daily diet! Ice cream was considered a reasonable source of milk! Moms weren’t scorned for serving a microwaved TV dinner – they were just being modern and efficient. I reflect on this when I’m shopping for organic kale and learning to make quinoa. 

10. The lower back tattoo had not yet been invented. Need I say more?

I’ll admit, there are a few millennial inventions that help parents, like iPads and Xanax. And sure, not everything was perfect in the 80s — we probably sucked down a little more second hand smoke than we should have — but didn’t we turn out okay? On balance, I think the past is winning.  

Parents, there’s room in my DeLorean.  Do you want to join me in the 1980s, or do you think things are better now?

Image Source: Courtesy of Brian Wruble

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

A recent study concluded that a mom's relationship with her mother-in-law is the most stressful part of parenthood — but your own mother can cause stress in your life as well.

The relationship between mother and daughter can be quite complicated. Some women have great relationships with their own mothers, while others try to avoid having a relationship altogether. One disagreement with mom can send even the most seemingly put-together parent back to those teenage years, when she cried in her room blaring loud music and dreaming of the day when she would be the mom — she would do things differently.

On last night's episode of Up All Night, Christina Applegate's Regan did just that. She tried to avoid a visit with her parents due to her stressed relationship with her mom, played by Blythe Danner. In hopes of having a great relationship with her own daughter in the future, Regan decided to lead by example and tried to connect with her self-absorbed mom. In the end, it all worked out — but not before Regan had a good cry in her room.

So tell us, how well do you get along with your mama?

Finding an experienced, responsible babysitter who you really trust is no easy feat. But it just got a little easier for moms in the Los Angeles area. They have a new pool of childcare professionals to tap: grandmas.

As Huffington Post reports, LA-based Rent-A-Grandma pairs “those who need care-giving or home management services with female workers over 50 years old who are both willing and able to provide that work.”

As Linda Terry, a 63-year-old grandmother of 10 explains: “I’ve taken my experience of raising my own three sons and running a home and turned it into something I now get paid for.”

Read the full story here.

Would you use Rent-A-Grandma?

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Image Source: alamy via Huffington Post

Like most new parents, Sheryl R. loved the idea of having her son's grandparents babysit — until the day she really needed their help. Then, she says, she was surprised by their reluctance, and the fact that is has continued: "Every time I call they ask: ‘can't you find someone else?'" She's started to wonder if she's in the wrong for expecting their help.

The good ‘ole days, when grandparents were on call to babysit for their grandchildren, seem to be over. Many Circle of Moms members find that navigating how and when your parents or in-laws should watch your baby can be complicated. Here they share some of the emotional and logistical issues that pop up when the grandparental units babysit, and also offer some advice on avoiding common pitfalls.

When Grandparents are Rusty at Childcare

Offers from the grandparents to go out and spend some alone time with your spouse away from the baby sound really tempting, except when grandma suggests she's a tad nervous about revisiting life on the baby front, offers Morgan B.: "I am 25 years old and my first daughter is eight weeks. My mom keeps pressing me to go out with the hubby for dinner or to a movie so she can babysit. Before she was born I thought I would have no problems leaving her with my parents, they did ok with me. But I find my mom seems a little nervous with Addilynn, I know it's been 25 years since she's had to care for a baby, but the way she holds her and moves her around constantly makes me nervous."

When Grandparents Want Payment

Of course you pay babysitters and nannies, but whether or not to pay the grandparents is a touchy subject, and Circle of Moms members say it's best confronted in a straightfroward manner. While Christy S. says her MIL expects payment ("My kids' grandmother said she will not watch my kids unless if I pay her"), Mary O. finds that terrible. "That's what grandmas are for. To babysit for free." Dia F. also nixes the idea of paying grandparents for babysitting. "I do not think any grandparent should be charging to watch their grandchildren," she says. "I think that is just crazy. But my in-laws complain when they have to watch my children. So maybe it is just the whole age group, because we are in a recession."

How to Make it Work

If you do manage to get past your nervousness and to reach an understanding about payment, or if neither are issues to begin with, there's often still another minefield to negotiate: the babystitting itself. Here's what Circle of Moms members advise.

1. Let the Small Stuff Slide

When you are handing the care of your baby over to your parents, you have to expect that they will do some things differently than you, Circle of Moms members point out. It can be uber upsetting, but Margi M. suggests you pick your battles. If a grandparent adds an extra ounce of water to the bottle it is not a crisis, she points out. On the other hand, different ways of handling discipline could be a concern. "My parents and my in-laws don't follow the same routines we use for eldest son, but I have learned to pick my battles," she says. "I also try to keep the lines of communication open and let the small stuff slide."

2. Remember You're the Boss

Yes, they were your parents and earlier in life, they were the people in control of you. But when it comes to taking care of your children,  the tables are turned. "I just don't want to seem like I don't appreciate them," says Jeanette T. "I am very happy my kids have loving grandparents who want to be involved in their lives but I am the mom, not them. It is important to make that clear."

3. Communicate Expectations Clearly

Grandparents are well-meaning and often strive to alleviate your stress as new parents, which sometimes lead them to withhold certain details. It's best to address this issue upfront and let them know that you want to know everything that happened — the good, the bad and the ugly, says Christine W. "They need to tell you when you child was sick. But from their perspective, they probably don't want to worry you. I think getting things out in the open is better than bottling things up inside, especially with family. It's better to clear things out of the way before they start adding up. Things like food, sleep, and different type of disciplining are things that should definitely be spoken about openly with your in-laws when they are babysitting your kids. They need to understand you, and how you want to raise your kids."

4. Know When to Give Up

No matter how hard you try, sometimes there are just too many issues with the in-laws or your own parents, and having them babysit is just not worth the stress. As Collen S. shares, "My mother-in-law is not allowed to watch our children right now because she doesn't listen and doesn't pay attention. When my son turned one, she came over to visit and he wanted to go up on the couch and stand. She put him on the couch and within less than a minute, she forgot he was on the couch and walked away to come into the dining room to tell me some story about her friend. How do you forget? My son could have fallen off and broken his neck. I told her she can't watch him."

 What rules do you have for when the grandparents babysit?

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.