grandparents

Steve and Jeri Wakefield must be the most popular neighbors in Dallas. Nine years ago, the couple had architect James Culver design and build a fantastic tree house in their yard for their grandsons. Replete with storybook details like gables and window seats, and sheltered by a majestic pecan tree, the magical house grew even more fun over the years with new features like a zip line and suspension bridge. Now, as The Huffington Post (via Houzz) reports, the Wakefields' grandsons are too big for their backyard masterpiece. It's by no means neglected, though; the couple simply invites the neighborhood kids over to play.

Make sure your own kids aren't looking when you click through to see the full tour, or you'll be on the hook for something similar!

Whether it's due to divorce, finances, or health, a growing number of families are bringing generations together under one roof. It may sound like a good idea, but how do you make a multigenerational household work without hurt feelings and confused parenting roles?

Mom Rachel J. thinks living with her parents is ruining her marriage. She says her family has no privacy, her mother is always criticizing how she parents her son, and she doesn't know how to make it better. Other moms say the way to make it better for families living together is all about making some rules and setting boundaries.

Keep reading.

Bev R. and Beth M. say are keenly aware that the uneasy relationships they have with their in-laws are impacting their kids and their marriages. Bev is distressed by in-laws who only show interest in her kids. And Beth's mother-in-law criticizes everything she does, non-stop. The resulting conflict with her spouse, she confides, "could destroy our marriage."

Like many Circle of Moms members who worry about prickly in-law relationships (and there are many), these women are seeking ways to bond (or at least get along more amicably) with the family members they gained through marriage in an effort to keep their families healthy. To help, here are tips from other Circle of Moms members, on bridging the in-law gap.

1. Lower Your Expectations

Instead of driving yourself crazy fretting over whether you're actually at fault or trying to pretend your situation isn't difficult, Kim M. suggests acknowledging to yourself that you have a real challenge. Alli S. agrees, adding that moms do well to not take the acrimony personally:

“If they are difficult with you, they are probably difficult with most people who present the same/similar threats to them,” she says.

When you acknowledge to yourself that your situation is difficult, you create a healthier starting point for addressing the tension, because your expectations will be lower. “You’ll begin to discover what makes them tick so you can have compassion, humility and (may I hope) mercy,” for them, Kim adds, noting that you're also setting a good example for your children on how to face challenging relationships in life.

2. Know that It Often Takes Years

You can’t change another person's behaviors or opinions, so be a role model for your children and show respect for everyone’s point of view, says Antoinette B. You can find some common ground even if your in-laws are challenging people or you come from different generations and backgrounds if you are accepting, she has found. After 15 years of working to find neutral ground with her in-laws, she shares that they finally do "accept me for who I am."

Peita S., too, “has had to work at it,” but believes the hard work has been worth it. Now, she says, “I get along great with all my in-laws.” She and her husband had to figure out a way to get along with her brother- and sister in-laws too. “I think extended family is what you make of it,” she says, adding that “everyone needs to make an effort."

The good news, says Becki E., is that over time, and with patience, you can build a workable relationship. “It took us 12 years to get to know each other, but now I am very lucky to say my in-laws are the best.”

3. Set Boundaries

With in-laws who were over-involved and omnipresent in her family's lives, Stacia J. decided early on to set boundaries to protect herself. She had “a heart-to-heart" with her husband and in-laws, explaining that she appreciated them and would continue to do so, but that she needed "a different arrangement and more time" for herself and her family. In the end, her in-laws appreciated her honesty and “were very supportive.”  

Tomica T. and Jamie H. also discovered that the key to getting along well with their in-laws was establishing and holding to certain rules. As Tomica puts it, “Your household is your household and you shouldn’t stand for nose butting," while Jamie stresses that getting your husband's support in the boundary setting is essential.

On this last point, Lanae F. urges a women in this situation to have her husband establish the relationship rules with his parents:

"He needs to set them not you. He needs to sit down with his mother and family and lovingly tell her that you are his wife and the mother of her grandchildren and for those reason the family needs to respect you. How she reacts is her choice,” she counsels.

When All Else Fails

When, despite all your efforts nothing changes, several moms urge coming to an agreement with your spouse to let go of the ideal of a bonded extended family and agree to keep your distance. As Connie T. and Bridget W. share, this is sometimes healthier than continuing to shoulder the strain of in-laws who won't partner with you in working on the problem:

Connie and her husband eventually came to the agreement that their family would be just the two of them and their children. Her in-laws, she says, "are the ones who miss out."

How do you deal with difficult in-laws? 

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

Sara B., whose mother-in-law treats her son differently than she does his step siblings, says it's painful for kids when step-grandparents favor their biological grandchildren.

By the same token, Patricia D. wonder whether being a step-grandmother is really the same as being "a real grand-mom.”

Sara and Patricia are among the many Circle of Moms members who are grappling not only with the challenge of blending two families but with incorporating step-grandparents into their family trees.

When there is no biological bond obligating a step-grandparent to be involved in the lives of their step-heirs, the rules of engagement tend to be confusing. Chrissy D., for instance, worries about names. What should kids call their step-grandmother? she asks. Other moms wonder about a step-grandparent's rights and roles in their children's lives.

How can blended families avoid these awkward or hurtful dynamics and build strong bonds? To help, Circle of Moms members share the tips below on navigating the challenging world of step-grandparent relationships.

Defining the Role of a Step-Grandparent

Deborah V. has noticed how easy it is for disparities between step-siblings to emerge when grandparents lavish gifts and attention on their biological grandchildren while ignoring their step-grandchildren. "What is the role of the step grandparents in a blended family?" she wonders.

She feels strongly that step-grandparents should take a back seat; that a step-grandmother just isn't the same as a true grandmother: "I believe that all step-grandmothers should back off and let the biological grandmother enjoy her grandbabies without any interference from the step."

While Martina V. agrees that the issue is tricky and that parents should "not interfere" with the relationship a biological grandparent has with his or her grandchildren, she cautions against taking such a hard line. She suggests that step moms and moms in blended families allow their children to be loved by all the grandparents, even the step-grandparents, as "all children need to feel loved and wanted by all their family members."

Indeed, many moms feel strongly that all grandparents, step and biological have important roles to play. "Grandmas are all the same, we love the kids," says Bernie R. "There are no ‘steps’ in loving grandchildren."

Rather than trying to compete with existing grandparents, adds Margaret G., who is a step grandparent herself, step-grandparents should allow their relationships with step grandchildren to develop slowly, without pushing. She also suggests that families work hard to eliminate any real or perceived competition between step-grandparents and biological grandparents:

"There doesn't have to be any competition between you and the ‘natural’ grandma; all you have to do is love the grand kids and be a part of their lives," she says.  

Kim S. and a member named Heather, both step-moms, agree: "Treat your step-grandchildren no differently from your real grandchildren and there will be no problems, says Heather, while Kim recounts the success that has resulted from her own mother's open-hearted embrace of the step kids in her blended family. Her mother welcomed her three step children as if she had always known them and continues to always remember their birthdays as well as those of her biological grandchildren. This bridge building, says Kim, has helped strengthen her family's bonds.

Choosing a Step Grandparent Name That Fits

In addition to cultivating a role and relationship that's both comfortable and positive for step grandparents, moms struggle with what to have their children call them, but many find that the two challenges are related. Chrissy D., for instance, is trying to decide what her 18-month-old should call her father’s wife, whom he married after Chrissy was already grown. "It doesn't seem right for my son to call her ‘Grandma’ as he already has two of those," she says, adding that she doesn't consider her dad's wife to be her own step-mother.

In response, Shalaina V. suggests simply having a child call a step-grandma by her first name. Jeramie I. suggests adding "Grandma" or "Grandpa" before the first name, almost like a title:

"I say 'Grandma Nancy' and 'Grandpa George,'" she explains, to give step grandparents grandparent status while distinguishing them from the biological grandparents. "We feel they're a part of the family, so they're 'Grandmas' and "Grandpas' to the children."

Another way to express that bond is to come up with an affectionate-sounding moniker, as Maureen M. did for her kids' step-grandma: "We call her 'Sandy-Gram,'" she says. "I think as long as it's a different name than your mother and mother-in- law are called, anything is fine," she adds. Circle of Moms member Sue H. suggests being creative as well; her family calls their step-grandma "GiGi."

Another way to select a name for the step-grandparents is to sit back and observe what the kids call them and see what surfaces, suggests Vicki T.: "Don't call her anything and see what your son makes up."

But many moms insist that step-grandparents should be called "Grandma" or "Grandpa," just like biological grandparents. "When in doubt about what to call a step-grandmother, consider 'Grandma.' You can’t have too many grandmas," stresses Circle of Moms member Theresa J.

What role do your children's step-grandparents play in your family?

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

If you have loved ones in far away places, chances are they want to see and talk to your child, camera-to-camera! As video chat technology gets easier to use, even grandparents and great-grandparents are wanting to Skype or have FaceTime. But many parents are finding that their toddlers aren't exactly ready for the calm sit-still that's expected during a video chat.

So just how do you keep a busy toddler engaged and interacting for a successful chat? Some of my favorite bloggers have excellent tips for video chatting with toddlers.

1. Time the chat carefully.

Jessica Katz at eHow wrote How To Skype With An Infant, and many of her ideas are helpful with toddlers and preschoolers as well. Number one on her list is to Skype with your child in the morning. "[Kids] tend to be more tired and fussy at the end of the day. First thing in the morning they are more willing to pay attention," she says.

Stephanie Gruner, a writer for The Faster Times, talks about timing your Skype session well and being flexible in her article; Skyping 101 for Toddlers and Grandparents. Gruner acknowledges that adults often want to schedule the call to fit their plans for the day, but this doesn't always catch a toddler in their best mood: "Toddlers don’t switch gears like we do, and you can’t force them to be charming. A better strategy is to ask grandparents to turn on Skype when their computers are on. That way, if your kid wants to Skype, you can be more spontaneous."

2. Position the adults for eye contact.

One of the most important aspects of any video chat is that both sides must participate. Katz stresses using eye contact to make the connection: "Sit close to the monitor so the baby can see you, and make eye contact."

Gruner also knows that eye contact and good positioning make all the difference. She took the time to advise her mother-in-law how to sit and to look into the camera so that it looks more like she's talking directly to her grandchild. "This makes a big difference when interacting with a really small child. If they can only see half a face and there’s no eye-contact they quickly lose interest."

3. Engage around familiar books, songs, and toys.

Stick with what you know... and what they know. It may take a little prep time before you video chat, but Katz suggests having the person on the other end of the call read your toddler's favorite book or sing songs that are already familiar to your child.

Gruner finds that Skype sessions work best when she lets her daughter take the lead: "Our daughter sits and chats longer if she can introduce her stuffed animals and favorite books. Lately we’ve been encouraging her to 'read' her books to her visitors."

Other types of props can also be essential to keep your toddler engaged while Skyping. Gruner says Skype is just like television to children; they expect to be amused. Props do the trick when her mother Skypes with her daughter: "She talks to our daughter with puppets and stuffed animals. In this way, they can play."

Ilana Wiles is a blogger who shares her sense of humor about raising a toddler at Mommy Shorts. In her Seven Stages of Skyping with a Toddler, she describes props as part of her 'one woman show' with her daughter, Mazzy: "You must sing, read a book, pretend to eat your own arm, etc. If you're lucky, your child will take a cue and help you out. Mazzy is a big fan of introducing me to each of her stuffed animals. But be careful— this might be a ruse. I once found myself talking to Elmo for a good fifteen minutes before realizing Mazzy wasn't even in the room."

4. Plan for technical difficulties.

You definitely want to get the call going without making your toddler wait. Computer problems, sound and video issues, and the connection itself can take time to get up and running. That's why Gruner likes to have her daughter Skype with grandparents on the weekend, when she and her husband can both be there: "That way he can get our daughter excited about the call in another room while I run a sound check with the grandparents."

Wiles warns of the "accidental hangup," which she says is inevitable on the computer... "even more likely when you are doing FaceTime on the iPhone. The iPhone is maddeningly easy to hang-up since the 'END' option is a temptingly touchable red rectangle right there on the screen. Even adults have to actively avoid touching it. (Apple— invent a toddler lock please!)"

5. Keep expectations reasonable.

When it comes to the length of the call, it's important to remember your toddler's attention span. Katz advises ending the call before things go downhill: "A successful call may be five minutes or less."

Gruner also accepts that you are on toddler time, and you have to be realistic: "Even the best strategies and props will only get your kid to sit for so long."

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

Here's a post from our partners at BabyCenter! Every week, we bring you the best parenting and lifestyle stories from the experts at BabyCenter, including this post from Evonne Lack about grandparents caring for their grandkids.

The number of grandparents as caregivers continues to rise, but according to the American Academy of Pediatrics many grandparents, are unaware of the newer safety guidelines for young children.

Related: Maybe We Should Mandate Hugging Kids

Among the findings of research presented at last month's AAP National Conference:

• only 44 percent of surveyed grandparents knew that babies should be put to sleep on their backs
• 25 percent thought that a 22-pound, 9-month-old baby should ride forward-facing in the car seat
• 49 percent thought that it was OK to have blankets, stuffed animals, or bumpers in the crib
• 74 percent thought walkers were perfectly safe

It's not always easy to stand up to Grandma, but there are instances when it must be done — not only by parents, but by health care providers. As primary study author Amanda Soong of the University of Alabama puts it, "Discussion of health and safety recommendations is an essential part of routine well-child care, and pediatricians must recognize knowledge deficits that may exist in grandparent caregivers and be comfortable addressing these deficits."

I think that many grandparents just want what's best for their children's children, and will be open to hearing about — and following — the new guidelines.

Of course, there are always the exceptions — the grandparents who fall back on the "in my day" argument and who insist on doing things their way no matter what. If there's one thing that gets under my skin, it's hearing a grandparent say something like, "Well, I raised [insert number] kids, and we always put them down on their tummies / gave them solids at two weeks / used crib bumpers / let them use walkers / etc., etc., etc. / and they turned out just fine!”

As if the fact that they were lucky enough to have their children survive into adulthood disproves the validity of sound safety research.

But again, I would think these grandparents would be the exception, rather than the rule. I would hope so, anyway.

Are you lucky enough to have an open-minded grandparent in your life? Or do you have a stickler for the old rules? And when it comes to safety issues, do you have trouble standing your ground?

More great reads from BabyCenter:
Boys are experiencing early puberty too
A husband's hilarious take on pregnancy . . . told through GIFs
19 painted pumpkin bellies ready for Halloween
14 Halloween candies that are safe for every kid
14 unique ideas for personalized kids decor

As we head into the holiday season and into visits with grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, there's one awkward situation that will arise in many families and that most parents will be unprepared to deal with: relatives who expect hugs and kisses from little ones — even when those little ones don't want to show them affection.

To spare a relative's feelings, many of us will urge a small child to endure or even return this unwanted physical contact. But should we? What messages are we sending to our kids about their body boundaries when we do this?

How to Avoid Teaching the Wrong Lessons

A recent CNN article (I Don't Own My Child's Body) that explores exactly these questions is the subject of lively discussion on Circle of Moms. Katia Hetter, its author, asserts that, "Forcing children to touch people when they don't want to leaves them vulnerable to sexual abusers, most of whom are people known to the children they abuse."

Assuming that giving Grandma a kiss on the cheek could have anything at all do do with sexual abuse of a child might seem crazy at first blush, but member Nichole M. feels Hetter's connection makes perfect sense. "You're violating their comfort zone and the kids may learn to accept anyone into those uncomfortable spaces." Lisa E. also agrees, and shares how she's teaching her own son about respecting his body and his own physical space:

"The boundary we're teaching our child is to listen to his own 'gut feeling.' He tells us whenever he feels uncomfortable around someone (usually whispering so he doesn't hurt feelings). He never has to touch or be touched if he feels uncomfortable — family or otherwise. I will never force him to kiss anyone — even if a great aunt is visiting who may get her feelings hurt. Hugs and kisses are his to give and are not compulsory."

Hetter also reminds us that forcing our kids to be affectionate when they don't want to can impact their sexual relationships as teens, because it "teaches them to use their body to please you or someone else in authority or, really, anyone."

"Affection should never be forced."

In addition to preventing abuse, many moms feel it's important to try to understand how your child feels when a relative demands physical affection. Jenni D. references her own memories from childhood as a guideline in her parenting: "As a kid, I didn't like to be hugged or kissed much except by my mom, and hated when my grandma would force me to kiss her goodbye. As an adult, I love giving kisses and snuggles to my kids, but if they would ever seem like they didn't want me to hug or kiss them I would respect that."

As Jenni D.'s comment points out, forced affection between a parent and child is concerning as well. Stacey's kids became uncomfortable when her husband, who is their step-dad, became too demanding of hugs and kisses. In situations like this, members urge Stacey to have her husband back down. Lorena M. explains that "kisses and hugs should come out because one feels like giving them and not because they're pressured" A member who goes by "Dove" is even more emphatic: "Affection should never be forced." 

How to Head Off a Relative's Hurt Feelings

Toddlers often test our patience by refusing to do things that we actually do have to find a way to make them do, such as eating, bathing and behaving well. However, refusing affection should not be equated with bad manners or bad behavior. Hetter asserts that children can (and should) be polite and respectful while still maintaining their own personal boundaries: "Manners – treating people with respect and care – is different than demanding physical displays of affection."

A good first step may be to explain your policy to relatives. Adults, even close relatives, should be able to respect your decision. Hetter found that while it can be more work, it can also lead them to truly appreciate the affection they do get from your child. "I explain to relatives who want to know why we're letting her decide who she touches, and when she does hug them, the joy is palpable – Not from obligation or a direct order from Mom," she says.

Hetter also offers suggestions for greetings that are less intimate, and that are perfect for a child in the early stages of getting to know a new family member. Instead of kisses and hugs, encourage a handshake or a high-five: "When kids are really little and shy, parents can start to offer them choices for treating people with respect and care. Even shy kids can shake somebody's hand or wave or do something to communicate respect and care."

Far from disappointing, these alternatives can actually strengthen a relative's relationship with your young child, as member Angie S.'s story shows: "You could do what my boyfriend and our son do, they have a special hand shake. He will even stay awake, and when he hears his dad come home from work he'll come out just to do their shake."

How do you and your child handle social situations?

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.