child safety

As we head into the holiday season and into visits with grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins, there's one awkward situation that will arise in many families and that most parents will be unprepared to deal with: relatives who expect hugs and kisses from little ones — even when those little ones don't want to show them affection.

To spare a relative's feelings, many of us will urge a small child to endure or even return this unwanted physical contact. But should we? What messages are we sending to our kids about their body boundaries when we do this?

How to Avoid Teaching the Wrong Lessons

A recent CNN article (I Don't Own My Child's Body) that explores exactly these questions is the subject of lively discussion on Circle of Moms. Katia Hetter, its author, asserts that, "Forcing children to touch people when they don't want to leaves them vulnerable to sexual abusers, most of whom are people known to the children they abuse."

Assuming that giving Grandma a kiss on the cheek could have anything at all do do with sexual abuse of a child might seem crazy at first blush, but member Nichole M. feels Hetter's connection makes perfect sense. "You're violating their comfort zone and the kids may learn to accept anyone into those uncomfortable spaces." Lisa E. also agrees, and shares how she's teaching her own son about respecting his body and his own physical space:

"The boundary we're teaching our child is to listen to his own 'gut feeling.' He tells us whenever he feels uncomfortable around someone (usually whispering so he doesn't hurt feelings). He never has to touch or be touched if he feels uncomfortable — family or otherwise. I will never force him to kiss anyone — even if a great aunt is visiting who may get her feelings hurt. Hugs and kisses are his to give and are not compulsory."

Hetter also reminds us that forcing our kids to be affectionate when they don't want to can impact their sexual relationships as teens, because it "teaches them to use their body to please you or someone else in authority or, really, anyone."

"Affection should never be forced."

In addition to preventing abuse, many moms feel it's important to try to understand how your child feels when a relative demands physical affection. Jenni D. references her own memories from childhood as a guideline in her parenting: "As a kid, I didn't like to be hugged or kissed much except by my mom, and hated when my grandma would force me to kiss her goodbye. As an adult, I love giving kisses and snuggles to my kids, but if they would ever seem like they didn't want me to hug or kiss them I would respect that."

As Jenni D.'s comment points out, forced affection between a parent and child is concerning as well. Stacey's kids became uncomfortable when her husband, who is their step-dad, became too demanding of hugs and kisses. In situations like this, members urge Stacey to have her husband back down. Lorena M. explains that "kisses and hugs should come out because one feels like giving them and not because they're pressured" A member who goes by "Dove" is even more emphatic: "Affection should never be forced." 

How to Head Off a Relative's Hurt Feelings

Toddlers often test our patience by refusing to do things that we actually do have to find a way to make them do, such as eating, bathing and behaving well. However, refusing affection should not be equated with bad manners or bad behavior. Hetter asserts that children can (and should) be polite and respectful while still maintaining their own personal boundaries: "Manners – treating people with respect and care – is different than demanding physical displays of affection."

A good first step may be to explain your policy to relatives. Adults, even close relatives, should be able to respect your decision. Hetter found that while it can be more work, it can also lead them to truly appreciate the affection they do get from your child. "I explain to relatives who want to know why we're letting her decide who she touches, and when she does hug them, the joy is palpable – Not from obligation or a direct order from Mom," she says.

Hetter also offers suggestions for greetings that are less intimate, and that are perfect for a child in the early stages of getting to know a new family member. Instead of kisses and hugs, encourage a handshake or a high-five: "When kids are really little and shy, parents can start to offer them choices for treating people with respect and care. Even shy kids can shake somebody's hand or wave or do something to communicate respect and care."

Far from disappointing, these alternatives can actually strengthen a relative's relationship with your young child, as member Angie S.'s story shows: "You could do what my boyfriend and our son do, they have a special hand shake. He will even stay awake, and when he hears his dad come home from work he'll come out just to do their shake."

How do you and your child handle social situations?

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

Sleeping under the stars on a good ol’ fashioned family camping trip might sound like an inexpensive and fun summer activity, but not to many moms of toddlers!

Ashley G. is one of them. This Circle of Moms member was convinced by her father to bring her 2-year-old twins along on a family camping trip, and she's now worried. Her toddlers, who sleep in toddler beds at home and "get up screaming once in a while,” are not potty trained and “enjoy not listening." Will they be too far out of their comfort zone to enjoy the trip? And will she spend the whole trip struggling with them?

Rest assured, say members who are veteran family campers: toddlers can be perfectly in tune with the great outdoors. Here they offer five tips for surviving — and enjoying — the quintessential outdoor adventure with your little ones.

1. Put Safety First

The first step towards ensuring a successful camping trip with a toddler is picking the right location. It goes without saying that safety should come first, as with any family activity. But to Circle of Moms member September W., this also means picking a campsite where there is cell phone reception in case of an emergency.

Mom Kehli D. also recommends that parents be mindful of other outdoor hazards, such as campfires that could burn, lakes tots can fall into, warm weather that could cause dehydration, and wide fluctuations in daytime to nighttime temperatures, depending on where you are camping. When she took her twin seven-month-olds camping, Kehli let her daughters wear just T-shirts and diapers on warm days, but also had blanket sleepers on-hand to prevent them from getting overly chilled at night. She also encourages her daughters to drink a lot of water to prevent dehydration.

2. Pack Essentials and Comfort Items

Items that should be included on a camping “must-have” list include mosquito repellant, sunscreen, flashlight, first aid kit, several changes of clothing, diapers and wipes for when kids get dirty, toys to play with, and a camera to capture memories, say Melissa G. and J. Behrens.

Additionally, for toddlers who are unfamiliar with the outdoors, creature comforts from home can make a camping trip more palatable. Jamie H. suggests bringing a favorite blankie or bedding from the crib or bed that your child normally sleeps in, in order to make the rustic sleeping arrangements a little easier for your little one. 

But skip sleeping bags, say several Circle of Moms members, including Marne S. “Even at [age] two, mine would still kind of get twisted up inside them,” she explains.

As an alternative, Jennifer S.’s 15-month-old twins stay cozy-warm zipped up in their sleep sacks.

If you don’t mind the bulk, then Callie H. is among several moms members who recommend bringing a pack-n-play that can be contained in the tent for your child to sleep in or used out in the open to keep your child occupied with toys when, for instance, you are busy cooking meals. Umbrella strollers can be used as campfire seats. “Just strap them in and line them up with the rest of you,” she adds.

Because Dawn M.’s 13-month-old twin girls are not yet walking, she brings a comforter to lay on the ground that they can crawl on. Also in her bag are long sleeved, lightweight footed pajamas to prevent mosquito bites when not in the tent at night. http://www.circleofmoms.com/twins/camping-with-14-month-olds-297847

Once camp is set up, J. Behrens. And Marcy C. use a large, plastic storage container as a water activity when toys are tossed in, but the “bucket” serves as the baby bath tub, and then the dirty-clothes hamper when it’s time to head home. 

3. Keep Food Simple

Camping is meant to be fun, so keep food simple to make the trip easy and enjoyable. Elizabeth F. plans easy meals with little cleanup so that she doesn’t spend all her time “working” at the campsite.

“I will second the easy meal [suggestion,]” says Brittany G. Her standard camp meal is a freezer-weight quart-sized Ziploc bag filled with eggs, meat and veggies that she places in boiling water over the campfire.

Similarly, Diane B. pre-freezes meals such as sloppy joes and taco meat prior to the trip, then organizes her cooler according to days with what will be eaten first on top. “Then all I have to do is thaw and warm it up,” she says.

And don’t forget to thrown in typical easy-to-grab snacks like peanuts, granola bars and fruit that won’t melt without refrigeration, J. Behrens adds.

4. Assume That You May Have to Leave Early

As every mom knows, when it comes to children, you have to be prepared for the unexpected, and camping is no different.

Heather H. lets her twin two-year-olds sleep comfortably with her on an air mattress, but recalls they woke up screaming in the middle of the night so she had to take them to the minivan and sleep there with the windows rolled up so that they wouldn’t disturb anyone else in the campground.

Even worse, Dawn M. recalls a summer storm that unexpectedly brought 50-mile-an-hour winds through the campsite that crushed the family’s tent poles and tore the top cover, forcing them to “high-tail it home.” Her husband had to drive back to the site the next day and retrieve their belongings, yet she nevertheless says she might venture out again — just at a different time of the year.

5. Model a Positive Attitude

Moms (and dads) will get the most enjoyment out of a camping trip with their toddlers if they put on a bright face and expect to have fun, say experienced Circle of Moms campers. If you are not a camping person to begin with and go into the trip with a bad attitude, then you really should think about why you’re even going, says Terrie H.

On the other hand, moms who don’t mind when their kids get dirty will find the adventure especially enjoyable. “Camping with kids is a breeze,” says Jennifer H., noting she first took her son camping at 18 months old and continues to do so nearly every month.

To be honest, it’s really no different than going on any other trip with your toddler, Shawnn L. says. “You pack extra, you plan [for] mishaps, and you muddle through,” she says, noting she took her youngest child camping for the first time at 10 months old and continues to “have a blast.”

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

A mom in Pelham, New Hampshire ran into a fireworks "war zone" on July 3rd in order to save her 2-year-old son. The mother, whose name has not been released, was blown off a deck by the initial blast, but quickly ran into the fire that ensued to save her son.

The boy was airlifted to a Boston hospital with second and third degree burns, and remains there in a medically-induced coma. Kathy Pappathan, the boy's grandmother, told The Boston Herald that her daughter found her grandson "standing in the middle of the fire screaming," and that, "We’re devastated. It’s just horrible to think a little 2-year-old, when he wakes up, he’s going to be in pain.”

The fireworks are a yearly tradition Pappathan's ex-husband puts on for the neighborhood. A total of 11 people, including 5 children, were injured. 

Read the full story (The Boston Herald).

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A recent piece on The New York Times's Motherlode blog asked a simple question that led to some complex answers: "When is a child old enough to stay home alone?" Like so many parenting issues, the NYT reader responses were reflective not only of the individuals' own views on the matter, but also of how they'd be viewed (or, let's face it, judged) by their peers.

According to the National Safe Kids Campaign, 12 is the magic number at which a child can be safely left home alone. And they offer a five-question questionnaire to take before leaving your little ones on their own:

Are Your Children Ready to be Left Alone? Can They . . .

1. Be trusted to go straight home after school?
2. Easily use the telephone, locks, and kitchen appliances?
3. Follow rules and instructions well?
4. Handle unexpected situations without panicking?
5. Stay alone without being afraid?

We want to know what you think. Is 12 too young to be left home alone? Does it depend on where you live? What other circumstances come into play?

Like many moms, Shannon A. wonders at what age it's appropriate to let your child play without supervision in your yard, at the arcade, or at your neighborhood playground. 

“Free Range Kids” blogger Lenore Skenazy’s recent declaration on CNN that children should be allowed to go to the neighborhood park alone by age eight spawned much debate about the best answer. The concensus among Circle of Moms members is that every child and situation is unique and that there’s no such things as a one-size-fits-all deadline for beginning to allow your child to go out unsupervised. Rather, they suggest the following seven indicators that it’s time to “loosen the umbilical cord.”

1. Traffic Savvy

Street savvy is an important factor to evaluate. Does your child pay attention to his surroundings? A Circle of Moms member named Jodi relays that children don't develop strong peripheral vision until they are around 8-9 years of age, "making crossing busy roads a greater risk.” As a result, it's extra important that your child be able to remember and consistently follow rules for crossing streets before you allow him to do so on his own.

2. Memorization 

Monica T. wisely advises assessing whether your child is able to remember important information in case he needs to get in touch with you. Your child should not only be able to use a cell phone, but also be able to recall his phone number and full address.

3. Trust 

Another sign of readiness is when your child earns your trust. For example, a member named Holly says her eight-year-old daughter earned the right to play unsupervised with the neighbor’s kids by meeting certain ground rules: she had to stay within a certain area, ask before going to a friend’s house, and carry an emergency card.

4. Your Neighborhood

Even when you trust your own child, several Circle of Moms note that you shouldn’t let your child go solo unless you are comfortable with the neighborhood. A mom named Kelly, for example, hasn’t made the leap to giving her six-year-old son full independence to get to the playground by himself because there is a lake nearby that doesn’t have a lifeguard, not to mention teen drivers who sometimes speed in the neighborhood.

5. Other Parents 

Teresa B. notes that "No town is automatically ‘safer’ than another because of its size," and she's among several members who suggest making an effort to meet your child’s friends and their parents to strengthen your community. Not only that, adds Teresa, you'll get a lot out of developing good relationships "with all moms and dads that [your] children befriend."

6. Maturity

Most important, says Yelena F., is that your child be mature enough to avoid risks and to make decisions in emergency/crisis situations. Before going out alone, “The child needs to show signs that they will know what to do if something [were] to happen,” agrees Mary C. “Not all children at the same age will do the same thing.”

7. Growing Independence

Keeping a close watch on how your child handles increasing independence is another way to gauge readiness. For instance, Mary’s seven-year-old son proved his readiness to her gradually, first by riding his bike to the church next door and waiting for her, as she asked, then by sticking to the neighborhood boundaries she set for him — venturing only one block in each direction from their home. Similarly, Juliette M. intends to let her kids venture beyond their cul-de-sac once they show her that they can cross a busy street and stay away from the dangerous things along their route ("big dogs and high-voltage boxes"). As they get older and “demonstrate good judgment and responsibility, they will get to go further,” she shares.

This gradual loosening of the reins works best when you allow the pace to be guided by your child's growing maturity, as well as the factors above. As a member named Jodi concludes, "I believe that we need to allow our children to take calculated risks and learn to be independent in order for them to be able to make healthy choices as they move into their teen years.”

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

For more tips on treating sunburn, see 10 Ways to Soothe a Sunburn.

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Jaime Y. was in the waiting room of her doctor's office when she noticed a man taking a photo of her daughter with his camera phone — while pretending to be doing something else with it. She shot him a dirty look and he put his phone away, but this Circle of Moms member is angry that a stranger now has photos of her child. What he did, she says, was "creepy."

While many moms who've had these types of encounters echo Jaime's sense of violation, many others report only a sense of mild discomfort. Why the range of responses? Parents have wildly different sensitivities to danger, as the stories below reveal.

Where — and Why — to Draw the Line

Caitlin A. is one mom who doesn't get rattled by strangers snapping pictures of her child. Often, she explains, the person is from another country or culture, and this kind of interest in your child is perfectly innocent. When she took her daughter to a local festival, several groups of international tourists asked her, politely, if they could snap her picture. She found their requests harmless and sweet. She adds, though, that if these tourists had not asked permission, or if her child had not been fully clothed, she would've felt entirely differently.

Most moms seem to agree that a line should be drawn with strangers who don't ask permission, and that the threat of pedophilia is the reason. Someone with bad intentions could use the picture to identify your child later, perhaps when she's at the same location with someone other than you. As several moms point out, in this situation, a predator who know what your child looks like could more easily pose as someone familiar.

But perhaps the scariest scenario of all is one raised by Jennifer A.: when you are not aware that someone is photographing your child. With requests made openly, at least you can rely on your instincts and make the judgment call to say no based on the context. What parents really need to worry about is the sneaky people. As she advises, it pays to stay alert.

Have you ever encountered a stranger photographing your child?

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

Imagine a really busy day at your favorite café. There’s a long line of people flowing out the door. The crowd’s chatter creates a deafening roar, the kind of noise that gives those in the café the illusion of privacy.

Above the roar I hear it. Where’s it coming from? Does everyone hear it, or am I the only one?

Then I see him, an older male talking loudly at a table beside the open door.

My gaze moves from the man to a table on the other side of the open door. Two boys are laughing, seemingly delighted with the grown-up activity of eating alone.

Then I hear the man’s voice again. Why is he shouting above the roar of the crowd and asking the boys to solve addition problems? I decide the older man must be the one who brought the boys to lunch since this game of math is being played so effortlessly between them.

I retract my gaze and order my lunch. As I’m waiting, I feel compelled to observe the situation again.

The man asks them what grade they’re in?

“3^rd grade!” the chatty one proudly says. The other boy has gone silent.

The man relentlessly continues throwing question after question at the boys.

Who do you want to marry when you grow up?

What’s your favorite subject in school?

Who is your teacher?

Do you like astronomy?

What’s your favorite planet?

My name is being called to pick up my sandwich. Then, like a thunderbolt, it hits me! Those boys are being groomed. That man may be a predator!

I don’t want to believe it. I begin looking around for any reason why this man, who appears to be a stranger, is asking so many weird “get to know you” type questions. My mind wants to believe he’s just having fun. But my body has warning bells going off.

I move very quickly to the table where the boys are and ask, “Where are your parents?” The chatty boy loudly says what his dad’s name is, not where he is. The other boy remains silent; he won’t answer my question.

I look around hoping to see a parent getting up to tell me to mind my own business. I see no one.

As I shift my gaze from the crowd back to the boys I lock eyes with the older man. I purposefully linger in the gaze sending him the strong message, I know what you’re doing! You will not succeed here!

I promptly walk to the counter and say as loudly as I can, “Miss, I’m concerned about those two boys. They don’t seem to be with any adult. There’s a man over there, the one sitting by the door, asking them questions he shouldn’t be asking! Do you see them? Do you see the man? Please look after them and call the police if they leave with anyone other than a parent!”

I leave and go to my car. My husband looks at me and says:

“You need to go back in, don’t you?”

“Yes.”

When I return the man is gone! The boys are still eating and laughing. The waitress says, “I know his Dad, he’s on the way.”

Parents, I believe the older man was a potential predator. Am I sure? There was no way of knowing. Did I prevent him from harming those boys? I don’t know. I did what I could without falsely accusing someone of something that hadn’t happened yet.

All I do know was this man was asking the types of questions that predators ask. He was setting the stage, a.k.a. "grooming" the boys so he’d be familiar to them if he appeared again.

I’m not writing this so we can have a debate about how to deal with predators or situations like this. I wrote this so you’d read about the types of questions a potential predator uses so you can prepare your kids.

Please don’t scare your kids, but do talk to them. Use these, or examples like them, so your kids know what bad strangers ask so he can say, “Hey remember me, we had fun doing those math problems at the café didn’t we!”

Related Reading

How to Teach Your Kids about "Stranger Danger"

How I Taught My Preschooler to Talk to Strangers Safely

Sharon Silver is the author of Stop Reacting and Start Responding: 108 Ways to Discipline Consciously and Become the Parent You Want to Be, and the monthly Online Skills Class. This local, national and international anytime e-class provides parents with solutions for reacting, correcting behavior, outbursts and more, to create the parenting instruction manual you always wished came with your child! Click here to receive 2 FREE tips from Sharon's book. Find Sharon on Twitter and Facebook.

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

Is it OK to leave your preschooler in a car unattended? While you might think the answer should be a resounding, “no,” many Circle of Moms members say the answer is not so cut and dry. Most moms “know” it’s wrong — and in some states even illegal — to leave children in a car unattended, Yet many moms are sympathetic to Treffly Coyne’s story. This mom found herself on trial for charges of child endangerment because she left her toddler alone in the car for a few minutes, less than 10 yards away, as her other child donated money to a Salvation Army collection bucket.

“There are few words for what a bad decision I think the police and the justice system made on this one, to traumatize a mother, her children and the whole family over something like that,” says Circle of Moms member Johnny. “I do not think it is a good idea to leave one's child in the car for more than a few minutes or to have the car out of your sight. But this case is nothing like when people leave kids in a car to go shopping or play in the casino or something.”

Other moms, however, point out the unexpected risks of leaving a preschooler in an unattended car for even a minute, such as choking, becoming unbuckled and hurting himself in the car, being car jacked or kidnapped, or being hit by another car from behind. Many say they would rather play it safe  than face consequences for breaking the law or be forced to live with guilt for the rest of their lives should something unforeseen happen to their child.

“I don't leave my kids in the car for any reason, ever, period,” says Shana R. “Yes, heat stroke is a legitimate concern, but I'm more concerned about car jackings and abductions. I have three kids, ages 3, 5 and 8. I'm a mom to always err on the side of caution, no matter how inconvenient it may be.” 

A Law Worth Occasionally Breaking?

Others, including a mom named Anna B., believe that Shana’s rule doesn’t take into account individual circumstances that might make breaking the law acceptable. Moms members with multiples, in particular, admit that sometimes it’s easier to leave a child (or two) unattended in a car, as long as he is in view, to accomplish small tasks like paying for gas, or picking up another sibling from a school’s front steps.

“It is a rare occasion that I do not leave at least one of my children in the van ... if not all three,” says mom Jodi, who has a nearly three-year-old and twin one-year-olds. She, too, will leave her children unattended when she needs to retrieve and return a grocery cart. And, it is impossible to carry all children into her house at the same time if they fall asleep in the car. So she takes one child into the house at a time while she is parked in her garage with the door closed and her keys in her pocket. “I am not waking up my kids when all three are sound asleep,” she says. “Unless I hire someone to be here with me anytime I might have to leave just to help me with kids in and out of vehicles, someone gets left behind for a minute or less.” 

Kerry E. says leaving a preschooler in the car alone might be okay, depending on the child’s age. And Nikki S. feels that when you’re from a small town or safe neighborhood, the risks of leaving your child unattended can be lower. Mom Sharame L. agrees, pointing out that leaving a child in the car unattended for a minute might even be the safest option, such as when it’s sleeting or freezing. 

Anna B. notes taking her three children, ages 3 months, 22 months and 3 ½ years, with her through a parking lot is more dangerous than leaving them alone in the car. “The parking lot is hands-down the most dangerous place I take them,” she explains, noting she sometimes leaves them in the car unattended while she returns a shopping cart. “It's easy to say that it's always best to take your kids with you. It looks good on paper. It is not always safer,” she says. “Sometimes I think people lay hard, fast rules about things like this because they don't understand the concept of judgment.” 

Even MeMe, who is “very firm” on “always taking her young children with her because you never know what could happen in just a minute or two, acknowledges that moms have to evaluate and mitigate each situation’s individual risks. “Just because one person would not do it the same as another does not mean they are saying the other's way is wrong … We all love our kids and do our best,” she says.

I personally believe you should not leave your preschooler unattended in the car because you never know what could happen. But, I once left my son unattended in the car after he unexpectedly fell asleep on the way to a play date. The weather was cool, I kept the windows down, he was in sight in the driveway as I sat on the front porch, and I put a baby monitor in the vehicle for added safety. My overstepping the law allowed him to have fun with his friend once he woke up half an hour later. So as a practical matter, it's all about common sense and situational safety.

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.