behavior

Graduation is the telltale sign that announces the next wave will soon be leaving for college! Parents become wistful, hoping and praying that their child's self-esteem is high enough to weather any of the life storms they'll have to face without their parents nearby.

Can't relate? That's probably because you're in the beginning of the process, the stage when you're helping your children discover just how capable they really are.

Over the last few years, several books have emerged sharing new research regarding a child's self-esteem, what works, and what doesn't work.

Prior to this new research, it was believed that copious amounts of praise would magically increase a child's self-esteem. As Circle of Moms reader Beth W. suggests, "Praise your daughter lots, which will help her self esteem/confidence as she grows up."

However, the new research shows us that there is more to the story. It's the way a parent praises a child that is the key to whether or not a child achieves high self-esteem.

Keep reading.

Raising a tween isn't easy. They aren't yet as independent as teenagers (though they want to be) and they're more independent than younger kids. Many preteens deal with this uncertain time with what one Circle of Mom member calls "the Door Slamming-Foot Stamping stage."

Having made it through raising one tween and in the midst of raising another, I had to laugh at the accuracy of this description. The tween attitude is definitely accompanied by door slamming, foot stomping, and — even more infuriating — eye rolling.

It's an attitude that invites battle seemingly out of nowhere. As Michelle V. says of her daughter, "All the simple responsibilities/tasks that she used to help out with or do are now a battle." She wants to know how to deal with this ever-increasing attitude.

Circle of Moms members have great advice on how to empathize with your tween's struggle to be independent of you, and how to let them know what's unacceptable behavior.

Keep reading.

Do you think yelling and being firm are the same thing? Many parents do. They believe in order to be firm, you have to yell. I believe yelling is yelling, and that firmness is authority in action and requires no yelling.

Ask yourself this: do you think there's a connection between the intensity of a parent's voice and how much learning a child is able to accomplish? I think there is. I believe less learning occurs when parents yell at their children.

There are others who agree with me. Nikki S remembers her childhood, "I was yelled at constantly as a kid and to this day I hate yelling, if someone yells at me it makes me want to hide."

Keep reading

I live in a big city and every day witness people being curt and mean and yelling at each other. It's as if no one cares how others are feeling anymore. Every time I hear it, I get sad.

When spouses/partners, parents and kids, or strangers on the street are angry and no resolution occurs, the injured party walks away feeling isolated and alone. The connection is lost. That lost connection causes people to remain angry and spread their anger from one person or situation to another. It’s the kick-the-dog syndrome.

How can we reconnect again?

Keep reading.

One thing moms learn really fast is that little kids can't keep their clothes on. From the time they are 4 months old or so and start kicking or pulling off their booties, to toddlerhood, when they like to strip down and race around in their birthday suits, young kids prefer to be in the buff.

It's great fun in the summertime, when it's easy to let your kids splash through the sprinklers or play in the pool in the backyard sans bathing suits and cumbersome shorts and T's. But is it OK to let kids be seen naked at the beach or in public? At what age does it become taboo? Those are questions many Circle of Moms members start to wonder as their little ones get bigger.

Keep reading.

Holly H. is frustrated with her husband's parenting: "It seems that every time he has to deal with the kids he ends up getting into power struggles/arguments with them. One of the specific things that I hear him doing is telling the kids, 'If you don't . . . then you won't.' Instead of the more positive 'After you . . . then you can . . .' They react negatively to this and are much more likely to refuse to do whatever he's telling them to do than if he would say it the second way."

Holly's husband is reacting in a very normal way. Every parent has days when they've yelled so much they're at the end of their rope. Those are the days when you want to run away, and we've all been there. But before you pack your bags, let me share one possible reason why you're being forced to yell, and suggest a way to change things.

Young children tend to gravitate to where they experience the most energy. When a parent yells, he or she exudes a great deal of energy and attention. Think about it from a child's point of view. What do you do when you yell? You stop what you're doing, you turn around, you lock eyes with your child, and you focus all of your words on him. That's a bunch of attention! Children gobble that up and then use childlike reasoning and decide that misbehavior is a good way to get my parent's focused attention — even though they're yelling. No, I'm not going to suggest that you ignore a child's bid for attention; I think that's mean.

I know it's hard to believe that children think they're getting attention when a parent yells, but that's immature reasoning in action. Children don't see the whole picture yet, so they don't really know that behaving well is a better option, unless you show them, repeatedly.

Keep reading.

Andriana S., who has four children under the age of six, has always preferred hanging out with her kids over going out with friends. But recently, the day-to-day tedium of her domestic life has her wanting to get out and party. "Does it make me a bad mother?" she asks.

As it turns out, Adriana's reticence is well-justified, at least in the court of mom opinion, where the subject of partying for moms strikes a nerve.

Should You Completely Give Up Partying?

On the extreme side of this debate are moms like Amy D., Jade B., and Joy C., Circle of Moms members who feel that it's simply wrong for moms of young children to go out and party, period.

"Of course it’s normal to want to go out," allows Amy, speaking specifically to moms in their young twenties. "But [when] you made the decision to have children, you gave up ‘the right’ to be a crazy partying young adult. Your children come first."

Jade agrees, adding, "I know a [mom who] goes out every single Saturday and says it's okay because she leaves when her son goes to bed and is back before he wakes up. I don’t think so. [I get mad] when people are immature when they have a baby. When you have a child you don’t have the right to act like a child anymore."

Joy C., a mom of four, also takes a strong stance. "To be a real good mother you shouldn't look forward to weekend so [that] you can leave your child and go get drunk and party,” she says. "In my opinion, it really does say that you’re not ready for kids if you're still partying."

This kind of blanket disapproval, which is widespread, begs the question: is there any kind of partying that's socially acceptable for a mom? Alecia D. believes there is. She finds the occasional girls' night out an acceptable and necessary "gulp of air" for exhausted moms. Below, she and other members explain where to draw the line on partying once you become a parent, and why.

1. Don't Get Hammered

"I think it's fine to want to go out and have fun as long as you put your kids' needs first," says Mardi S., adding that this means making sure they're being properly cared for by someone you trust. But she draws the line at excessive drinking: "Don't show up to pick up your kids drunk because it's just not responsible. You need to be able to have a clear head. Plus, it's terrible having to take care of little ones with a hangover," she says.

Tawnya T., a mom of three, also feels, emphatically, that drinking to excess crosses the line. "Wanting your time doesn’t make you a bad mom, but drinking when you have to go home and take care of your kids is wrong," she says. "Partying should never come before your child. Going out and partying like you are a careless teenager or someone [who] doesn’t have responsibilities is stupid."

Drinking too much will impact you and your kids the next day, warns a mom named Toni. "It's no fun trying to look after a kid with a hangover,” she says. "[My sister-in- law once] got in such a state that she actually couldn’t get out of bed to look after my nephew and he had to spend the day with me and my husband."

2. Don't Party in Front of Your Kids

Debby L. takes issue with moms who drink a lot at home or at family social occasions. "I feel that it's inappropriate to drink around your children at any point,” she says. 

She's referring, in particular, to children's birthday parties and other social occasions where alcohol is offered to parents alongside juice boxes for the kids. "I do not [drink around my kids] because as their parent I feel that if I am somewhere with them then I need to be focused and clear-headed . . . , not buzzed and loopy."

3. Don't Make it a Habit

Going out without going wild is acceptable to many Circle of Moms members as long as it doesn't become a bank account-draining activity, or even one that happens every weekend. Stephanie P. says she knows moms who "spend all their money on smokes and alcohol or clothing to wear when they're partying  and then complain they have no money and can’t afford healthy food and decent clothing for their children.” And as Rachel N. puts it, "I’m all for having fun, but every weekend?"

She feels moms should put their children first. “The alcohol and partying will always be there, but your son is only a little boy once."

Where do you draw your own line on partying?

Image Source: MsSpider66 via Flickr/Creative Commons

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

Not all parents believe you should pay your child for good grades (see related article: Should You Pay Your Child For Good Grades?), but Circle of Moms members say that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t reward them. Here are some ideas of how to celebrate a good report card without forking over any cash.

1. Let Them Eat Cake

Around here we celebrate good grades — and pretty much everything else — with cake. It’s a way of letting our kids know that we're proud of the hard work they’ve put in and that we think it’s worth acknowledging. They like cake, but the reward isn’t so great that they’re relying on external rewards for getting good grades. 

2. Have a Kids' Choice Family Night

Like me, Circle of Moms member Lysha J. doesn’t believe in paying for good grades, but she also doesn’t think any other material rewards are a good idea, either. Instead, she suggests doing something as a family, something that the kids choose, like going out for ice cream or renting a movie.

3. Go to the Museum

Mom Christine H. thinks as kids get older and school work gets harder, it can be motivational to reward kids with activities for continued good grades. She and mom Autumn B. both suggest a trip to a museum, which can be both fun and educational.

4. Buy New Books

A number of Circle of Moms members say that good grades earns their child a trip to the bookstore or a chance to choose something from the latest book order form. As one member named "Fluffy Bunnies" points out, if the reward is educational, you’re encouraging his interest in education.

5. Use a Cumulative Reward System

A few moms mention that instead of paying for good grades, they use a sticker chart as a cumulative reward system. Chantelle P. says when your child gets to a certain number of stickers, you can take them to buy a small toy. Belinda P. uses a system in which five stickers is equal to a dollar, which can be saved up for a wanted item. 

6. Go Out for Ice Cream

I remember this report card reward from my own childhood, as does mom Jen B., who says it was a big deal to go out for ice cream when she was a kid. That’s why she’s carried on the tradition with her son, who is so excited about it that he even shows his report card to the server!

7. Give Out "Lego dollars"

Instead of paying in real dollars, mom Sherry M. rewards improved grades with what she calls “Lego” and “craft” dollars. It’s a great idea; it makes the reward a favorite recreational activity and doesn’t involve cash.

8. Eat Out as a Family

I love Theresa K.’s reason for taking the kids out to dinner to celebrate good grades. "We reward our children with a family dinner out. It gives us a great opportunity to talk about their grades and the comments from their teachers," she says.

9. Give an iTunes Gift Card

Circle of Moms member Candace says she sometimes gives iTunes cards as a reward for good grades, but she mixes it up with other rewards, too. When her oldest child made the Dean’s List for the third time in a row, she got to go horseback riding!

10. One-on-One Time

Don’t forget that sometimes just a little time alone with you is a treat for your child. Mom Wendy L. says one way she rewards her daughter’s good grades is by planning a special outing just for the two of them.

Image Source: iStockPhoto

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

“It doesn’t matter whether you won or lost, it only matters how you played the game.”

Have you ever said this to your kid when they’ve come off the field as the champion? I bet not. We reserve this tidbit of advice for the kid who lost as a way to make them feel better about their sportsmanship and commitment to the game and good ole’ try. How often does this really work, though? What parent has uttered these words and seen their kid’s frown turn upside down? Again, I’m betting none.

But I did tell this to my daughter after a recent tennis tournament. And not because I wanted her to feel better about her game, but to point out the converse of this little cliché.

The Ultimate Game Changer

“Whether you win or lose, it matters how you play the game."

Winning doesn’t just happen. Skill, of course, is a large part of it, but so is attitude and mental toughness. Without a positive outlook and expectations on winning, the skill could become a null factor. And for many kids, that’s the hardest part.

My daughter played in a singles match in the tennis tournament, which was very different than her other sport, basketball. She was alone, with no-one to cheer her on or bounce play ideas off of. She had to figure out her own strategy.

She takes lessons, goes to practice, and plays on a local team, so she’s pretty confident in her developing skills. Where things get a bit touchy is her mind-set, her mental game. But when she misses a point, you can see her attitude change.

Everyone knows the signs that their kid is getting upset – pouty lips, slumped shoulders, squinty eyes – whatever body language your kid portrays, parents know. So when I see her physical change, I know her game is going to change, too.

And there goes the ball into the net.

And the next one way way out, hitting the wall behind her opponent.

And there’s the double fault.

All of these losing points, of course, only perpetuate the bad attitude. Until she finally gets a ball in, wins a point. And then her mood shifts again and she feels better, and there, there is the perfect lob over the opponent’s head.

Such is her game. It’s consistent when she’s winning, it’s a mess when she’s losing. When she slumps off the court, I don’t tell her that it's okay that she lost, because she didn’t play the game well. I remind her that it was the way she played that caused her to lose. Sometimes, I’ll even show her the video tape and let her watch her own attitude arise and take over her game.

She gets it. She knows. But she’s working on it.

Image Source: Photo by Frances Frost (author)

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.