Tween and Teen

Do report card rewards work? Circle of Moms member Jen G. ponders this question after hearing from her son’s teacher that he’s been having behavior issues in school, such as turning in assignments late and talking out of turn. "We’ve tried grounding [him] from the computer, video games, TV, etc., but that doesn’t seem to work," she says, asking the Circle of Moms community whether incentives would provide better motivation for him to improve his behavior and get better grades.

Evelyn W., too, is on the fence about offering payment for good report card grades. "While I think it's OK some of the time to reward for good grades altogether, I think it’s not teaching the kids that hard work is reward itself," she says. If you're similarly weighing the merits of offering your teen or tween money for good grades, then consider the following suggestions from other moms.

Keep reading for five key points to consider.

There’s a lot of good advice out there about what to do when your child is being bullied, but what about for when you suspect your child might be doing some of the bullying himself? 

As hard as it is to recognize when your child is the guilty party, many moms do acknowledge the signs, if only to themselves. Circle of Moms member Gena, for instance, says that when she realized her son was habitually hitting, kicking, and saying mean things to his brother she was initially afraid to call it "bulllying." Only a short time earlier, her boys had been best friends.

Recognizing your child’s bullying behaviors is the first step. Here's where to go from there.

To find out more, keep reading What to Do if Your Child Acts Like a Bully

Having trouble getting your teen to bed at a decent hour and up in the morning? Moms like Circle of Moms member Artriani S. share your frustration. “I start trying to get them to bed at 10 p.m.," she explains. "But that’s just the time I tell them to go to bed, then they still have to do stuff and it’s already 11. Problem is they have to be ready to leave for school at 6:30 a.m.” To help solve this common dilemma, here are five tactics Circle of Moms members use to help their teens get adequate sleep. 

1. Start a Routine for Unwinding

Moms like Laura N. advise setting a time for your teen to be in bed, but also letting him read for a little while beyond the bed time. She relays: “I have a 12-year-old son, and shower time is 8:30, bed by 9 p.m. and lights out at 9:30. This gives him some reading time in bed to unwind. He's well rested and up and ready [to] roll at 7 a.m.” Creating this type of nighttime routine will help signal to the body that it’s time for bed.

2. Mandate a Number of Sleep Hours

Some moms find the best strategy is to suggest (or mandate) a minimum amount of hours that their teen must be in bed and sleeping. Charlene tells her teen that he needs to get at least nine hours. "Every child is different with how much sleep they need, my son needs at least nine, used to be 11 hours."

Lori L. does the opposite, limiting the number of hours her teens can sleep in the afternoon so that they will sleep well at night. "I have two teens and they seem to nap for an awfully long time in the afternoons," she says. "I know they are busy and get up very early, but I have to limit the naps otherwise they can't get up." 

3. Let Their Behavior Be Your Guide

Since the amount of sleep needed can vary from child to child, other moms suggest not shooting for a specific number of hours, but rather letting your teen's behavior determine his bed time. As Circle of Moms member Yvonne H. shares: “Your kids’ behavior will let you know if they are getting enough sleep." 

Karen P. agrees: "It really depends on how much sleep your child needs...I have my 10-year-old go to bed anywhere between 8:30 and 9 p.m. however she gets to read until she is ready to go to sleep. She is generally asleep by 9:30. Often she is still up at 10 p.m. If so I turn lights out. On the weekends, unless we have something planned for the next days I will let her step up until 10 p.m. for sure."

4. Avoid Stimulants Before Bed

In a Circle of Moms article on the best sleep times for teens, moms recommend steering your teen away from stimulants in the late afternoons and evenings. This means avoiding food and drinks that contain caffeine (coffee, tea, soda, chocolate) and avoiding bright lights (including televisions and computer screens) right before bed time. 

5. Focus on Good Nutrition

The reality is that no matter how hard moms try, many teens like to be nocturnal and find all kinds of ways to avoid sleeping. When all else fails, focus on good nutririon, say moms like Tricia N., and make sure they take their vitamins!

How do you get your teens to sleep? 

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

A 'Words for Teenagers' piece printed in a New Zealand school newsletter in 1959 has been drawing the attention of both parents and teens recently. The advice originated with a judge who was trying to answer a question he regularly heard from restless, bored kids: "What can I do and where can I go?"

The judge's answer, which has gone viral on Facebook, has received enthusiastic approval from some, while others find it harsh and authoritarian. 

Click on the image to the left to decide for yourself.

Read more at the Huffington Post. 

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Ahhh, the teen years. This bid for freedom and autonomy is challenging for even the most experienced of moms. Take, for instance, the teen who tells her parents that she's thinking about becoming a mom herself — or the one who then does so, on purpose. Not only does this happen, as Alycia W.'s story shows (Her 16-year-old daughter moved out and had a baby), but it comes up frequently enough that it's an area of anguished discussion on Circle of Moms.

Here, members share what they would do or say if their teen announced that not only does she crave independence, but that to get it, she's planning to get pregnant.

Shoud You Say Whatever It Takes to Dissuade Her?

Lindsay S. and Doris N. both suggest using whatever means you can come up with to dissuade your teen from seeking motherhood. For Lindsay this means pleading with her: “Sweetie, please stop and rethink having a child this early in your life. Children are extremely hard to raise. When it is your time to have a child, you will know. Until then, finish high school and go to college so that when you do have a child you will be able to give them the best life possible.”

Doris N. ups the ante: “If I was the mother of a daughter who said this I would tell her my feelings would be incredibly hurt."

But Diana H. cautions that a teen who wants to get pregnant is crying out for attention, and counsels moms to tread very carefullly and react gently. "Above all you should validate your teen's feelings of [needing] love and attachment and not overeact." Luoise G. concurs: "I would try [to] be approachable and understanding and give as much support to my daughter as I could."

Tracey L., who got pregnant for the first time at 16 herself, echos this sentiment. She feels moms need to both show unconditional love and "point out the challenges."

“Don't give up on her," she cautions, as teen motherhood "never turns out well."

Confronting Her with the Facts

Teens tend to react poorly to shows of parental authority, so be prepared for a hostile reaction when you tell your daughter you think being a teen mom is an unwise idea. Louise G. recommends explaining what the future will most likely look like if she actually has a baby. “I’d ask her how she would provide for herself (and the baby). Bills are not fun to pay and the novelty will soon wear off."

Maria recommends being more blunt. “I’d be completely straight up with her and tell her that wanting a baby isn’t stupid, but wanting a baby at 13 is,” she says. She would confront her own daughter with a lot of hard questions, including: “Do you know what happens to your body? Do you know about labor and delivery? Do you know how much it costs to have a baby? Are you prepared to continue going to school and [to] take care of an infant?"

How would you react if your teen announced she wanted to get pregnant?

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

While it's not uncommon for parents to hesitate over sleepover invitations for tweens and teens because of sleep loss (They tend to be "irritable" when they get home, says Circle of Moms member Lisa J.), some oppose them unequivocally. Susanne Y. is one of these moms; she's banned her boys, 11, 9, and 3,  from participating in them, end of discussion. And she's tired of hearing, "What's the big deal?" from her own kids and even from other parents. "The oldest is asked to sleepovers all the time and most of his friends have been doing it for years, but I prefer my kids in their own beds at night."

Belinda B. also feels that it's better to be safe than sorry. "I would rather watch over my children than to let them go somewhere and something happens. You can't go back."

Tween and teen slumber parties are a hot topic in Circle of Moms communities. Here, moms share three reasons for keeping the tween and teen set at home at night.

1. Drinking and Drugs

When it comes to sleepovers, Lori is one of many moms who feel there are just too many unknowns, including the possibility that your kids will be unsupervised and tempted to make bad or risky choices. She works in a hospital, where she's seen many parents lose kids to accidents. She says, simply, "You don't know what goes on in other people's houses. . . . You just don't know what other parents will allow them to do."

As if to bring this point home, Paula M. relays the story of a Sweet Sixteen sleepover her daughter attended where four girls got sick after smoking pot and drinking in the host's bed room.

2. Teen Sex

Several members are adamantly opposed to sleepovers because they can wind up being coed, a trend moms say is on the rise.

Veronique P. is guided by memories of her own hormonal adolescence: "I remember those years very clearly, [so] I never would I let a boy sleep over at my house, nor would I let my daughter go to a sleepover where there will be boys. Not a good idea. I have no intentions of being a very young grandmother and having to support that child and my daughter."

Katie agrees. "You have to be careful at that age and especially with girls."

3. Dangerous Strangers

A member named MeMe feels bound to protect her kids from dangers she's read about in newspaper headlines and seen on the news. "While many parents may believe slumber parties are harmless fun, several news stories about molestation at a sleepover have given many of us parents reasons to worry about slumber parties and concrete reasons to avoid them," she says. 

Lisa J. agrees, asserting that, "Even if we know [the parents] somewhat there could be a 'compromising visitor' that drops by. They could have a porn movie going. There could be drinking, whatever. It's not that I don't trust my children — I don't trust every person there."

And Kelina, like Veronique, thinks back to the risks she took during her own teen years. "I'm so freaking amazed that nothing happened to me," she says. "In all likelihood most kids who have sleepovers have great experiences, and are never in harms way. But that one in a million chance is the one that curdles my blood, because nothing could ever take that back."

How do you feel about sleepovers for tweens and teens?

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

“Are today’s teens different than we were?” asks Gail E. on Circle of Moms. It's not really meant as a question though; she firmly believes that something's amiss with this generation of kids. Another Circle of Moms member, Jodi, expresses the sentiment more bluntly, noting that kids seem “more entitled than ever before.” She adds: "Kids seem to be getting worse and worse as time goes on. Maybe we could learn from parenting styles of older generations." 

Are we really in the era of more-indulged-than ever offspring? And if so, what's causing it? Circle of Moms members have various theories, some lighthearted, and many of them more serious. Here, we take a closer look at what moms feel is behind this suppoedly “all about me” generation.

1. Parents Buy Too Much

"I see little ones given so much so often," shares JuLeah W. "A little toy here, a fun little thing here, a buck here.  It is all based on the, 'you're so cute ... I love you ... you deserve it’ idea."

JuLeah argues that parents today buy far too much for their children: "They get a coloring book for walking in the store and not whining. They get a new beach ball and buckets because they are going to the beach and only have their toys from last year. Yes, their toys from last year include a ball and bucket, but not in the color they want this year." 

Part of the problem may be modern technology and the Internet, says Janice C.: "Kids today often have an entitled attitude, because technology has changed so rapidly over the past thirty years and it’s much easier to over indulge your child than in the past.”  As a member named Me Me shares, "My neighbor has bought their son (12 years old) five cell phones in the past year and a half because he keeps either losing them or breaking them. He doesn't care how much they cost because his parents keep replacing them."

If parents give kids whatever they want, why wouldn't they feel entitled to it, ask Bonnie M. "We need to stop giving our children everything," she declares.  "We need to teach them that nothing is handed over freely. This is what life is about, working for what you want. . . .We are to blame [for] this generation's apathy."  She adds that parents seem to be confused over what kids need and what they want: "How much does a child really need an X-box, a computer, and [a] television in their room?" 

2. Kids Don't Fend For Themselves

It might have been endearing when 30-something Matthew McConaughey needed more than a little push to leave the nest in the movie Failure to Launch. But Circle of Moms members say moms are simply fueling entitlement by waiting on their kids hand and foot. 

As Lissa H. says, "They never have to work towards or earn anything. They never have to be part of the team that is a family to work towards common goals. If you show them that they are the center of the earth and nobody else matters, that is what they will grow up to believe."

It's a trap that moms like Shannon T. are trying not to fall into. "I need to work on that," she admits. "Letting them do things for themselves. I am so used to being on autopilot that I need to stop and let them do it for themselves."

3. "The Way We Never Were Syndrome"

Though many parents feel today's generation is more entitled than ever before, there are some Circle of Moms members who strongly believe that the sense of over-entitlement is just an illusion. In reality, they say, kids are still just kids, but parents have delusional memories about how they themselves were so much better  at that age. 

Beth M. calls it 'The Way We Never Were Syndrome:' “My mom and dad have some crazy stories about when they were kids (the 60s), stuff kids today would probably not even try,” she shares. “We think there was this golden era in history where families were perfect and children were well behaved and everything was great. But in reality that never existed. In the past, a child was overindulged because mom and dad handed them a china doll, a real china tea set, a record player, or a Sony Walkman. You don't think this is equivalent to today's child receiving an X-Box?"

Do you think today's kids are more entitled than ever before?

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

Struggles over food happen at all ages, but it can be especially difficult for moms to get strong-willed teens to eat a balanced, nutritional meal. "My daughter won't eat breakfast, no matter what I try to serve ... and she will never drink water," says Circle of Moms member Gloria C. "What should I do?" she wonders.

Short of exaggerating the benefits of a healthy diet (Sonia B. tells her teens that eating right "clears up zits"), what can you do? To help, here are four tips from other moms who've wrestled with their teen's eating habits.

1. Don’t Force the Issue

The consensus among Circle of Moms members is that forcing teens to eat healthy foods doesn't tend to work. "Probably the most important thing about healthy eating is not to let it become a power struggle," says Rosemary R. "You can't make a teenager eat anything and stop them eating 'bad' things when they are out." 

If you force the issue, Rosemary adds, it might backfire and "your teenager learns to use eating or not eating as a weapon, either just to wind you up, or as a bargaining tool ... If this gets a firm hold, it can lead to very unhealthy attitudes to eating."

2. Find Foods Your Teen Likes

Instead of forcing the issue, seize the opportunity to serve up a wide variety of healthy foods to discover which nutritious foods your teen actually likes. As Sharell D. recommends: "Try changing it up. Give her her favorite fruit or find out what she likes; flavored oatmeal, fruit in cereal, that's healthy." 

On the fluids front, Sharell also suggests introducing her to different beverages, especially healthy compromises to water, "until you both find what she likes."

3. Disguise Healthy Foods

Some moms, including Louise G., suggest disguising healthy foods: "My teenagers don't like veggies much, so I hide them in things like lasagna," she says. "I'll put in grated carrots, mushrooms, tomatoes, peppers." 

Vegetables can be easily hidden in other dishes she suggests, including "Shepherds pie with oven-baked cubed, potatoes, parsnips, and carrots on the top, and fajitas with peppers, onions and grated peppers."

4. Opt for Healthy Substitutes

If all else fails and your teen refuses to eat the healthy meals you serve up, many Circle of Moms members suggest offering your teen nutritional substitutes. "I know it's hard to do but sometimes you just have to face the fact they are not going to eat," says Johnnie K. "When my son and daughter were teens they wouldn't eat breakfast so I got them some Carnation breakfast [mix] that would break the fast [and] they would drink it on the way out."

Rebekah S. suggests giving your teens multivitamins. "I wouldn't worry too much, as long as your teenager is healthy and takes multi-vitamins, give it a rest."

"For my picky eater (near vegi-free), we try to get the nutrients in him from juice and vitamins," says Sherry B. "The the good stuff is going in, it doesn't really matter the source. It used to really worry me, but the pediatricians kept telling me that he's growing strong and healthy, so he's getting what he needs."

What works with your teen?

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

There’s been a lot of discussion about parents letting their teenagers have sex in the house. The New York Times weighed in on the topic. The View’s Elisabeth Hasselbeck talked about it. Even Perez Hilton chimed in.  Circle of Moms members are talking, too, but they’re not saying what I expected them to say.

Should You Allow Your Teen to Have Sex at Home?

The argument for letting your teen have sex in your house goes something like this:

If you know your teens are having sex and they’re going to do it anyway, it’s safer to let them do it in your home. After all, they are (supposedly) more likely to use protection and you’ll know where they are.

With that being the reasoning, I suspected Circle of Moms members would fall into one of two camps. The “not on your life” camp or the “it’s a good idea” camp.  But it seems this question isn't one that easily lends itself to a simple “yes” or “no” answer.

So what do moms think about their teens having sex in the house?

“It’s disrespectful.”

A lot of moms say they wouldn’t allow teen sex under their roof. Many give reasons I expected to hear, like Kelly, who says her son shouldn’t be having sex at all “until he can be financially and emotionally prepared for a kid.” As she wisely points out, “birth control can fail.”  

Others are adamant that a parent’s role is to set limits and teach their kids to be responsible for their own behavior, something they believe can’t be done if a parent allows a child to act like an adult in their home.

But still other Circle of Moms members feel it’s simply a matter of respect. As Heather M. puts it, “having sex under age in your parent’s house is disrespectful.”  Shannon H. agrees, saying, “Absolutely not! That is your house to raise your children to be self-aware, responsible, contribute to society and [be] respectful.”

"It's safer."

Disrespectful or not, there are parents opting to let teens have sex in their house because they think it’s safer, though Circle of Moms members have differing opinions on what “safer” actually means.  

To some, it means kids will take fewers risks because their parents aren’t forbidding sex. Janice C., however, says she doesn’t think “condoning sex makes it any safer.”  

Moms like Liz, who asks, somewhat tongue-in-cheek, “Unless you put the condom on the kid yourself, how is it safer?” think “safer” refers to parents making sure their children are using contraception.

Then there's Amanda O., who thinks both these viewpoints miss the real meaning of the word "safe" in this context.  “I think the word ‘safer’ is being taken the wrong way by some people. I know safe sex is contraception, etc., but in this case I think the 'safe' is meant for actual personal safety.”  

Her point is well-taken, and when they look at it in that context, a number Circle of Moms members say they’d rather open up their home to their kids than let them have sex in some “scummy place,” or the back of a car.

“I have mixed feelings.”

The truth is that many parents are ambivalent about the idea of allowing their teens to have sex at home, and the reasons are varied.

Karen G. shares, “I have mixed feelings on this. On one hand, I do not really want them having sex in our home, [but] it is better for her to be at home instead of out in a car somewhere or at some guy's house, because anything could happen.”

Christine M. ‘s view shows similar ambivalence. This mom says she’ll provide her teens with condoms and other forms of birth control, but won’t “lay out the welcome mat.”  If her teens want to have sex, they’ll need to “sneak around” like she did when she was a kid.

Finally, there are quite a few moms like Kelina G., who don’t mind it happening in their homes but also don't really want to know about  it. Kelina says she’d be cool with her teen having sex at home, “provided it was far enough away [that] I couldn't hear it and they had a 'Do Not Disturb' sign on the door.”  

Are Parents Really Letting Teens Have Sex at Home?

If Circle of Moms members are any indication of what’s happening in homes all across the nation, this whole "phenomenon" of parents letting their teens have sex in the house isn’t trend so much as an ongoing conversation with no easy answers. Right now, it’s not an issue in my house, but I’m certainly considering what I will do when it becomes one.

Would you let your teen have sex in your home?

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Melynda's daughter is 13, and she wants a boyfriend. Erin's daughter is 11, and she does, too. Both of these concerned Circle of Moms members want to know how they should handle the situation. Is 13 too young to date? What about 11?

In Melynda's case, her daughter's interest in boys is still pretty abstract. But Erin's daughter says there are boys at school who are interested in her.

While many moms of girls in this age range are adamant that they don't want their daughters dating yet, the many Circle of Moms conversations on this topic reveal that parents aren't always clear on what their daughters are referring to when they say they want to date. What does it really mean at this age to have a boyfriend or girlfriend?

Do Tweens Really "Date"?

Many Circle of Moms members say that when tween girls say they are "going together" or "have a boyfriend," what they are actually doing is a far cry from real dating. Barbara, for instance, doesn't really care what her daughter calls the male friends she hangs out with, so long as she can keep a watchful eye on them and make sure they "keep it light." And Kathy agrees that the key is not the language her daughter uses to describe her relationships with boys, but what they actually do when they are alone together.

She believes that the best way to really understand what her daughter is up to is to give her free rein in terms of who she hangs out with and to allow her to describe these relationships in her own terms. Kathy says this communicates to her daughter that she trusts her, and that in exchange, her daughter it more willing to be "visible," when she's with her "boyfriend" and more inviting of her mother's presence in general. "After all," she points out, "they're not even old enough to drive. Can we really say they're dating?"

But what about the tendency that kids naturally have to hide their behavior from their parents, even when they're not doing anything wrong? If your kids are secretive, several Circle of Moms members recommend establishing firm limits on unsupervised time with a "boyfriend."

At What Age is Unsupervised Time Okay?

The age at which moms tend to allow their daughters unsupervised time with a boy ranges from 14 to 17. Deanna, for instance, let her daughter begin to "group-date" at age 14, but won't let her go out with a boy in a twosome until she's 16. But many moms draw an even firmer line; Dee, Joan, and Lynn all say, simply and surely: No.

I have to wonder through, whether this will really stop a tween girl from experimenting. I agree with Deanna that if your daughter is showing an interest in boys, it's probably a sign that you should begin talking to her about what dating means, and stay open to her curiosity and questions. If you don't, you stand a good chance of being left in the dark where your child's activities are concerned. 

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