Playdates

A preschooler's budding social life can be tricky for a mom. Just ask Circle of Moms member Jackie I., whose preschooler is getting invitations to hang out from the parents of classmates she doesn’t even know. She wistfully remembers the days when her child was a babe in arms and she got to pick the moms and kids they'd socialize with. Now she wonders, “What if you don't like another child in a play date and don't want them influencing your child? Do you let your kid go anyway. . . ? What if you don’t like the mom?”

Here, Circle of Moms members share tips for managing your preschooler's social life — and your own.

1. Suggest a Short Outing Together Instead

Circle of Moms member Kelly C. points out that while many moms struggle with saying no for fear of offending other parents, "you have to worry about your child's well being first." Still, she doesn't advocate feeling trapped at the homes of moms you aren't comfortable with. Instead, says Kelly, hold the play date on neutral ground: "suggest something like a picnic lunch at the park, or go for ice cream or something." This allows your kids to play together while limiting the intensity of the experience for you.

2. Be Picky, But Have Good Excuses

Remember the Mean Girls from high school? According to a Circle of Moms member named Stephanie, those social challenges are re-played in adulthood between moms at play groups. Little Miss C. feels that the “mean girl” dynamic is a perfectly good reason to turn down a particular play date invitation. As she advises moms who encounter this dynamic: "You are off the hook."

She's not the only Circle of Moms member who feels that the best way to avoid getting stuck at unwanted play dates is to turn them down to begin with. That’s what Amanda D., mom to a 4-year-old, recommends: “If my friends have kids I would rather my kids stay away from, then I do my best to keep the kids apart. . . .by not getting together with those families as families. If my husband and I want to hang out with the parents, we do our best to get babysitters and go out without the kids. That way we keep our friendship with the parents and don't have their kids influencing ours too closely.” 

When it's the parents she wants to avoid, she finds excuses as to why the day doesn’t work. She even makes alternative plans so that her story is rock solid. 

3. Go, But Have an Exit Plan

Several moms, including Meghan A., have learned to arrive with an exit plan. She came up with this strategy after attending a play date where the other moms were gossiping about other parents and their kids. "That’s when I discovered I’d rather play alone at home with him and figured out how to get out fast”

Charlotte L. sets a time limit on some of her child's play groups to make them manageable. While she enjoys the other children and wants her child to have fun, she sometimes finds it difficult to fit in herself. “I’d probably have more fun just being with my daughter than being disappointed in trying to make friends with the moms."

4. Make the First Move

Lest you find yourself spending two hours trapped in the homes of moms you don't care for, several Circle of Moms members suggest starting your own play group with "other moms in your town that are like-minded and would like that option," as a member named Carla suggests. Rachael B., who finds that it can be hard to make friends in a group play date setting, also suggests initiating your own gatherings. She suggests inviting just one family over to dinner. “That's the best way to connect instead of in a group setting.”

Stacey P. also takes a proactive stance and invites prospective play date kids and their moms to her house first. “When I know nothing about them or their family, I am hesitant about bringing my child there, so I invite them here first.”

Do you avoid play dates with moms or kids you don't like?

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The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

Is it ever permissible to discipline someone else’s child? While there’s no black-and-white answer, Circle of Moms members have helped tease out some of this tricky issue’s different shades of gray.

When Safety is at Stake

For starters, countless moms agree that safety is more important that potentially offending another parent, and so reprimanding—even shouting at—another child is acceptable if the behavior is causing a safety threat. 

For example, when unsupervised 8-year-olds were rough-housing in the public kiddie pool, Jodi A. quickly intervened:  “I approached them and told them to stop their rough play because they were scaring the younger children and they almost hit my daughter. They didn't stop, so I went to the lifeguard. He dealt with it, and ended up removing them from the pool because they had no adult supervision.”

Krista E. agrees: “I don't make a habit of disciplining other peoples' kids, but if the child is a) in danger of hurting himself, or b) being aggressive with my kid, then you bet your bippy I'll use my mom voice and tell him to cut it out.”

When the Child's Parents are Present

Even if no serious danger is present, many parents believe that doling out some basic discipline to other people's children is acceptable. As Ashley V. relayed: “The way I see it, if I am not watching my kid and someone feels the need to correct them, as long as they don’t cuss at or degrade my child, they have every right to. It takes a village to raise a child and a mother cannot complain when she gets good help!” 

On the other hand, if the misbehaving child’s parents are present, several Circle of Moms members argue that informing the other parent of the behavior is a much better strategy than talking to the child. As Nicole explains: “It is my opinion that other adults should speak to the parent, not the child, when they witness disturbing, inappropriate behaviour. If the parent still does nothing about it, (you) should either move on, or (if there is some immediate danger to anyone) contact security or the police.”

Many other moms, including Diana H., agree that it's often best to simply distance yourself and your child from a misbehaving child. As she puts it, “I try not to worry about other people's kids, and just remove my own children from the situation - that's all I figure I can control anyway. I let my children know that they don't need to play with children who aren't playing nicely, and we go find something else.”

When the Child's Parents Aren't Around

But what if the misbehaving child is in your home and his parents aren’t present? “I guess it depends on how close you are” to the child's family, says mother of two Heather W., and Geneen E. agrees: “The only way I discipline another child is if I am told I can do so and it has to be a close friend or family member.” 

Or consider Tara C.'s approach: Instead of scolding or disciplining other people’s kids in her house, she simply sends them home: “I will send neighborhood kids home if they are being too rough or not using appropriate language. I usually let people know why this occurred and that I would like them to do the same to my kids if the need arose.”

Have you ever disciplined another person’s child?

Accompanying your 2 year-old on a playdate is a no-brainer, but what about your preschooler or second grader? As children get older, playdate protocols become increasingly gray. If you're looking for advice for handling your child's budding social life, consider the following playdate etiquette advice from Circle of Moms members.

When to Stop Tagging Along

One of the most common playdate issues discussed in Circle of Moms communities is the appropriate age for a child to go on a playdate unattended by one of his parents. Many moms, including mother-of-three Angie B., emphasize that it's a case-by-case decision that you make based on your comfort level with the other family: “It depends upon how well you know the other child's parents and how much you trust them."

Still, if you show up to your 8 year-old's playdate expecting to hang out with the other parent, you'll likely be greeted with a surprised look. Moms like Erin W. say age five seems to be the unofficial cutoff for tagging along unannouced: “I typically assume that I will tag along on playdates and at bday parties, but now that my daughter is five (but still in preschool), I get the impression that it is less common and that mom tagging along is not the presumption.”

Getting to Know the Parents

It's natural to be nervous about sending your children on playdates solo when you don't know the parents. Circle of Moms members like Katey C. suggest getting to know the parents by first meeting on neutral ground (parks, community centers, or library story times are all good options) so your children can play and the parents can chat: “Suggest something like a picnic lunch at the park, or go for icecream or something so that the girls can play and you can spend some time getting to know the parents. Explain to them that you would just feel more comfortable getting to know them before either of your daughters spend time alone with the other parent.”

Other moms, like Barbara C., recommend easing concerns through a more direct approach: “I think setting expectations at the time the playdate is set up is great.” She also tries to talk on the phone beforehand.

Tips for Helicopter Moms

If you or the parents of your child's friend are simply not comfortable with solo playdates yet, it's best to get on the same page from the get go. The hosting parent may be happy to have both mom and child over, or she might have had a dozen household tasks planned for that hour and not have time to socialize. If you want to stay with your child, explain your feelings, ask whether you can tag along, and offer to host as an alternative.

Meanwhile, if you're the hosting parent and you weren't expecting to entertain the other parent, consider Laura S.'s advice: "Set expectations and boundaries with her right away…Your expectations are that the children may socialize but you cannot and that she can pick her son up at a certain time. You can say something to the effect that while you enjoyed visiting with her the last time, you will be unable to do so this time because of (fill in the blank)… If the mother still seems reluctant to leave her son in your care, then you might suggest that she host a playdate for the kids…This would allow the friend's mom to maintain her comfort level and a sense of control over the situation.”

Image Source: edenpictures via Flickr/Creative Commons

Sleepover.

A word that conjures hours of games, giggles and late-night movies to children, but mostly worrisome questions for parents. Is my child old enough? Is a sleepover safe? Will anyone sleep? If I host, what do I need to know first? Thankfully, Circle of Moms members who are old hands at sleepovers have shared plenty of tips for first-timers.

1. Age and Maturity

What's the right age to start sleepovers? “It depends on their maturity," says Barbara S. "My daughter has been sleeping over since she was 6 but my boys ages 5 and 6 are not ready to sleep over at their friend’s houses yet.” While many Circle of Moms members started letting their children attend sleepovers at around the ages of 6 to 8, several moms shared that their children started sleeping over at the houses of close family friends as young as age 4.

2. Meeting the Parents

It seems like a given, but it's worth saying: Make sure you know and trust the parents hosting the sleepover. As Tish T. shares: “At 10, we still don't sleepover somewhere unless I know everyone and have all the info on what is going to go on....a little protective, maybe. I would rather err on the side of caution.” Allie M. expresses a similar view: "You have to step back for a moment and look at where your child wants to sleep, do you trust this family, do they do things that you mirror yourself...would you worry about what is being talked about? How do the parents treat their children?"

If you're the parent hosting, be prepared to tell other parents the full plan for the evening. Circle of Moms members also advise getting parents' mobile numbers in case of emergencies and checking whether any of the guests are sleepover newbies. As Meredith T. advises: “Find out if the other ones have had sleepovers or not…my 10 year-old had a sleepover party and we had to deliver a 10 year-old child home because she wanted her own bed.”

3. Coed Compromise

While some parents believe coed sleepovers are fine for very young children, most argue that both boys and girls just shouldn't be sleeping over together. As Tracy H. shared: "Co-ed sleep overs are inappropriate...even at young ages." For a little girl's birthday, she suggests inviting "all friends for the party, then have the boys leave at night."

4. Keep the Guest List Small

When you're hosting your first sleepover, keep it small. “I would underestimate how many you can handle,” cautions Jen G. “Six little girls doesn't sound so bad in broad daylight, but when they are wide awake at midnight that's a LOT.”

Carol C. agrees: “All I can say is, think small! Three friends would be the max I would consider for sleeping over. One is easy, two is tough because they can easily exclude the third person. Three is probably good to feel like a party.”

5. Let Your Child Suggest Activities

Wondering how much you should be around to help lead games and crafts? Many Circle of Moms members suggest letting your child's wishes guide you. As Sharron S. explained: "Give them enough space to where they feel they are in control, with your daughter being the ‘leader’ so to speak. You should ask her if she wants you to be involved or if she wants to take charge herself.” Donna H. concurs: “Your daughter probably has some expectation of what she wants."

6. Movie Time = Bed Time

Wondering whether to make them turn off lights and go to sleep or let them stay up all night? Many moms recommend poppinng in a movie when you're ready to wind things down. Donna H. shares: I usually make movie time happen when I'm ready to go to bed. I find if you get them settled in to their sleeping bags in the dark with a movie, they will fall asleep.” Even if they're still awake once the movie ends, they'll likely be in much more quiet and mellow mood. As Julie B. shares: "I can still hear them whispering after the movie but whispering is fine."

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We moms just want our kids to have fun. But we also know that with every baby step towards independence comes increased risk for our children, especially with toddlers, for whom everything is a new adventure or discovery.

Moms like Jodie K. say they are excited for their toddlers to head to the playground, but concerned for their safety.

“When I saw the playground equipment I was sick to my stomach,” says Jodie K., a member of the Moms of Toddlers, about a recent trek with her three-year-old to the preschool play lot. Her concerns stem from two towers with slides and fire poles. “The standing platform is about nine feet tall with open sides, where it would be easy to fall. I have almost considered not sending her (to preschool). Am I being ridiculous?

Safety experts and other Circle of Moms say probably not.

While playgrounds are fun and an important place to enjoy the great outdoors with your toddler, not all of them are safe places for very small children. Each year in the United States, hospital emergency departments treat more than 215,000 children for playground-related injuries, according to the Centers for Disease Control.

But careful planning, parental oversight and proper maintenance of your child at the playground can increase toddler safety.

Safe Kids USA, a nationwide network of organizations working to prevent unintentional childhood injury, has some great tips for parents on keeping one-to-four year-olds safe on the playground, including:

1. Consider a playground's safety from the perspective of a child: With so much to explore, every part of the playground is an enticing new discovery for toddlers, so when you look for safety concerns, think through the eyes of a child. Consider what they might want to put into their mouths (for example rocks, or how they might want to climb the stairs, but they are not safe for them to do so without you holding their hands.)

2. Design matters: Make sure that the playground surface protects your child when they fall. The ground beneath the play equipment should be soft, made from sand, wood chips or recycled rubber and not cement. Bars should be placed so that young children can’t get their heads stuck in them. Also make sure equipment is sturdy enough so children can’t tip it over and that there are no sharp edges, protruding bars or loose ropes.

3. Make sure equipment is age appropriate. This especially applies to a play area you may build in your back yard, where you install equipment that is for their age group. For example, play areas for children six months through 23 months should offer places where children can have space to move and explore. Play areas for children two to five should offer areas with smaller steps and crawl spaces.

4. Remove hood and neck drawstrings from all children’s outerwear to avoid strangulation hazards.

5. Become trained in emergency first aid and CPR. It is smart for parents to train themselves so that they are prepared in an emergency. Classes in emergency first aid and CPR are available through local park districts, hospitals and other organizations.

6. Teach proper playground behavior: no pushing, shoving or crowding.

7. Keep toddlers under age five in a separate play area fenced off from equipment designed for older children.

Circle of Moms community member Rhonda S. also says moms should express any playground safety concerns to the park district or director. And Tiffany D. suggests having your child finger printed. But the single most important rule for playground safety, experts from Safe Kids USA say, is supervision: Never leave your young child unsupervised in the backyard or at the playground.

Image Source: AckersonFamily via Flickr/Creative Commons

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

Do your preschooler’s playdates devolve into grabby toy tug-of-wars? Try these 5 strategies suggested by Circle of Moms members for reducing toy squabbles and teaching young children to share.

1. Set a Good Example

As Circle of Moms members like Andrea C. suggest, modeling good sharing behavior is key to teaching a child to share: “Try playing with him at home and offer to share what you have with him. If you both have something to play with, you can tell him ‘I’ll share my toy with you and you can share your toy with me.’ Give him your toy and see if he gives you his (at the same time)."

2. Praise Positive Behavior

Praising generosity can also encourage sharing. Heather S. explains: “Instead of punishing when he doesn’t share, reward him when he does. Make a big deal out of it. 'Ooh' and 'aah' over him for sharing. He’ll catch on eventually that it is a good thing to share…Give him good attention for good things he does and he will reward you with better behavior.”

3. Be Time-Sensitive and Realistic

Young children often worry that sharing means their toys are gone forever. As a result, try imposing time limits on how long shared toys can be played with. Preschool teacher Vanessa A. also advises that parents' sharing expectations should be realistic: “If he only has a small piece of cake, is it realistic to expect him to give some of it away? If it’s his brand-new toy that he's just opened up, or if it’s a toy that demands he be actively involved, can he just drop what he's doing and give it to someone else?”

4. Make Some Toys Share-Free

It’s natural for children to begin developing a sense of ownership. Many Circle of Moms members, including Angie D., encourage letting children have some share-free toys: “Maybe you could try telling your 4 year old she can pick a couple toys of hers that are off limits to the little one but she has to share the rest of them.” Savannah R. agrees: “My oldest son has a blankie that he doesn't have to share and my little one has a stuffed puppy that he doesn’t have to share. It seems to make them happier, knowing that they do have something that is ‘just theirs’ and they don't mind sharing the rest of the toys as much."

5. Enforce Consequences

If a child continues refusing to share, many moms recommend enforcing consequences, and in particular, taking away the toy in question. As mother of one Charlotte D. shared: “If he doesn’t want to share his toys when friends come over to play I just take everything away and tell him, ‘If you and your friends can play nicely together you can have your toys back.’ It works every time.”

Mommy Dearest –

I'm a SAHM, but plenty of my daughter's friends' have two working parents, which means that they are cared for by nannies and babysitters. Now that my daughter is in preschool, she is asking to play with specific friends, rather than the ones I set her up with, and that often means that it is the nanny and me hanging out while the girls play. While the nannies are certainly nice enough, I find us both to be uncomfortable with the situation. Should I just not schedule play dates with these kids, or is there another solution you might suggest to avoid the awkwardness of the situation.

– Playdate Problem Mommy

Keep reading to see Mommy Dearest's response.

First it was Dora the Explorer. Now, according to MSNBC, Tinker Bell is getting tarted up.

Toys are growing up, shedding their baby fat, and waxing their legs. Even Disney fairies are boasting hourglass figures and trading in their innocent ballerina look for saucy wardrobes.

So much for toys sparking a child's imagination and creativity. In recent years, Disney, Mattel and other toy makers have taken their iconic brands and tarted them up, according to MSNBC. The new, edgier look reaches for something that's beyond the realm of fairy-tale sweetness.

And these tramped-up toys are making lots of parents, including some vocal Circle of Moms members, very uncomfortable.

"I don't understand why Dora needed a makeover," says Emily H. "Do we really want our children to have role models that are sexy?"

"Is Dora going to be the next Bratz?" asks Ana M. "My girl loves Dora and my one biggest fear is that they are going to skank her up, like those dreaded Bratz dolls. My girl doesn't need more pressure to be sexy. She's going to get that pressure when she's a teen, let her be a kid for a little longer. I think kids aren't being allowed to be kids anymore and it makes me sad."

Many moms who object to racy dolls have posted about the dilemmas they pose, noting that their kids tend to recieve these toys as gifts at birthday parties and on holidays: "There are certain toys I will never allow my children to have (i.e. Bratz dolls, toy weapons, etc.)," says Colleen H., because of their negative messages. "But it's hard when they are given the toy by someone who doesn't know our thoughts on it, especially when all the other children have this toy."

Dale Atkins, a psychologist and MSNBC contributor, told Today.com that she's upset about what the shift towards sexy teaches girls about their own appearances:

“When we have these ridiculous models — sexualized children, and horses with long eyelashes that are flirtatious and all of that — it sets up this ideal of beauty and body image that kids have to pay attention to because they can’t not pay attention to it," Atkins told MSNBC. "And they feel less good as they’re trying to develop a good sense about their own bodies. The sexualized aspect just makes them feel like they're only good if they are objectified. ... And it's all so subtle, for a child anyway. We parents and adults look at this and say, 'Oh my gosh, this is so blatant, but in fact it's subtle because kids are playing with these things and then they look in the mirror."

How do you feel about the growing sophistication of today's toys? Do you avoid buying them for your kids? And what do you do when they receive them as gifts?

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.