Family

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

I have a distant aunt with whom I'm pretty close, although our families have pretty much lost any contact. When I decided to go to med school, she kept telling me that I had a cousin — her nephew — who studies there and is three years older than me. I got into med school and of course all was forgotten because of exams and so on. In my second year, when things got harder, I remembered my cousin who's now in his fifth year. I assumed a fifth year student could give me lots of precious information about a medical student's life and what to expect, so I got his phone number and sent him a text to say that I'm his cousin from med school. He was very happy to find out about me and said we should meet up. We texted for days and days and he was very nice to me, and I thought myself very lucky to have such a cool cousin.

When we met up, I felt butterflies in my stomach, and I didn't know why. Then, when I saw a picture of his long-distance girlfriend, I felt jealousy running down my spine. I became very interested in him, and he seemed very interested in me, too, so I started researching cousins' marriages on different aspects: legal, religious, and genetic. I found out that a third cousin is actually an eighth-degree relative, and relationships between eighth-degree relatives are accepted both legally and religiously. It made me extremely happy, but I couldn't see why —I may like him as more than my cousin, but we are still somewhat cousins, he has a girlfriend, and I don't know if he could ever feel the same way. On Christmas I met his parents who are really nice people, and they told me that their son was extremely enthusiastic about meeting me. We still get along really, really well, and sometimes I think that maybe I should tell him, but other times I really don't see the point. What do you think?

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Thanksgiving can be one beautiful holiday, but depending on your situation, it can also be a lot of condensed family-filled time. Since your family is obviously interested in your life and what you've been up to, lots of questions are bound to pop up. Some will be easy to answer, but others you may not be comfortable with. In order to make your Thanksgiving as smooth and painless as possible, read through these five easy tips to help you set healthy boundaries before you set the table.

1. Tune into your feelings. Start getting comfortable with tuning into yourself and what makes you tick. If someone says something or is acting in a way that makes you feel uneasy, that's a cue that they're crossing a boundary.
2. Give yourself permission. This seems pretty straightforward, but for many this is the hardest tip to master. In order to set boundaries with your family or friends, you've got to know that you and your emotions are worth the extra effort. Maybe you've been brushing things off for years, but once you give yourself permission (even though it might not be the easiest thing to do) you can start setting healthy boundaries for the future.
3. Be direct. Don't circle it. If there's a question or topic of conversation coming up that makes you uncomfortable, be direct about how you feel. Even if your mom always has a comment about your weight, or it seems like your dad will never approve of your man, be cautious to not turn your concern into a snarky comment or attack. That will only propel the situation to another stratosphere. If you handle the issue as a mature adult, and don't revert to your childhood self, your family is in a position to respect your wishes.
4. Choose your battles. Don't sweat the small stuff. If you're spending a few days with the fam, lots of little things will come up. If it's not that big of a deal for you to sleep in a separate bedroom than your boyfriend, and you know it would mean a lot to your family, just grin and bear it. If you choose your battles wisely, it will make such a difference when a real issue rears its head.
5. Have compassion. Recognize that you should be giving thanks for your family that loves you! If you're going through a transitional time like starting a brand-new gig or moving across the country, chances are, they just want to feel connected to your new world. The only reason they're asking so many questions or offering tidbits of advice is because they're concerned about your well being. Coming to this realization will make only make you feel more grateful this Thanksgiving.

Any other tips for setting healthy boundaries this Thanksgiving? Chime in below.

This question is from a Group Therapy post in our TrèsSugar Community. Add your advice in the comments!

The background story: I dated my ex for two years and we've been broken up for almost two years now. I spent a lot of time in his home with his family and friends and I adored them with all my heart. When we broke up, having to leave his family was pretty hard on me. We continued to casually see each other for about 9 months after our break up. Out of nowhere I found out he had a baby and that was when all hell broke lose. The girl he got pregnant found out he had still been seeing me. The gist of it was: she said ugly things to me, I said ugly things to her and then my ex and his friends also said ugly things to me. At the time I had absolutely no idea he was seeing her or let alone gotten her pregnant. Either way they were all determined to paint me as the biggest bitch on Earth. All of this has taken place the beginning of this year and I'll admit that it has been really hard on me. I still haven't fully gotten over the situation. During one of the many email exchanges with my ex he deliberately told me to stay away from his friends and family. It's been about 8 months since he made that request and I honored it because I really didn't want to bring more drama to my life. 

Well today I went grocery shopping and miraculously ran into his mom. She immediately hugged me and we talked for a while. She insisted that I visit her and come over for dinner and she also told me that I will always be her family. I don't know if I should follow up with her request. Seeing her for just those 15 minutes hit me pretty hard because I was suddenly flooded with great memories of being with his family and also with him. I know me and my ex have been officially broken up for almost 2 years, but it's been less than a year since we were last together and only about 8 months since our last confrontation. I've spoken with some friends and they said I should go visit my ex's mom. I feel like I might not be strong enough to be surrounded by his family and all of his home belongings (even though he doesn't live there any more). Should I consider visiting them (even if it is infrequent) or should I just leave them in the past? I think I'm also a bit afraid of spurring an argument with my ex. 

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We're happy to present this story from one of our favorite sites, Fox News Magazine. Today, we're looking at how to deal with mom conversations over the holidays.

When we think of the holiday season, our minds are typically filled with images of joy, giving, great food, and family bonds. But along with the merriment, this festive time of year can be extraordinarily stressful.

From mid-November through early January, there is a recurring theme in my private practice. One frequently discussed topic is how to satisfy one’s personal needs and desires during the holidays versus managing their mother’s expectations.

I often hear stories of folks stuffing their cars to the brim with gifts at 5:00 a.m. on Christmas Eve while venturing off to visit one set of parents in New Jersey. And several hours later, car re-packed, they drive overnight to visit the other set of folks in Ohio. Once the holidays end, they are exhausted, stressed, and depleted.

Why do we put ourselves through these torturous routines, year after year? Many people tell me it's to please their moms. In fact, when I recently suggested to one client that she change up her holiday customs, she said, "Are you kidding? If I don't spend Thanksgiving with my mother, there would be hell to pay! I'm just not up to that sort of confrontation."

There comes a time in our lives when we need to make tough decisions regarding time management and life management. And this maturation process involves asking yourself, "How do I want to spend my holidays this year?" Unfortunately, most of us tend to feel guilty or selfish when speaking this type of language. We are programmed to care for others, and for many, saying yes is easier than saying no.

However, please understand that it is through this process of stating our needs, that we are able to acquire more joy, peace and meaning from our holidays . . . and our lives. With this in mind, the ability to create a wonderful holiday tradition for yourself and your family may require saying a polite yet thoughtful "no" to Mom.

How can we do this without causing a war within our respective clans? Follow these five suggestions to ensure a smoother holiday for this season and for the future:

1. Take a hard look at your life and your schedule and see makes the most sense for you regarding the holidays. Ask yourself, "What do the holidays signify to me and how do I want to spend my time this year?"
2. Once you have an answer to these questions, begin to map a plan that is comfortable for you.
3. If you decide that you are not going to see your mother for a certain holiday, contact her (I always prefer a conversation over emailing or texting) for a productive discussion.
4. Prepare yourself before calling. Ask yourself, "How might this discussion play out? How will Mom react to the news that I'm skipping Christmas this year?"
5. Don't be afraid. State your predicament and/or your decision. Speak in "I" statements. Try to keep your tone gentle and loving. Stay calm, listen to your mother’s point of view, and try not to be defensive. For example: "Mom, I know how much you love Thanksgiving and how important it is for you to have your family with you. I really respect that about you. However, I'm so sorry to say that I'm not going to be able to make it home this year due to my busy work schedule. I know this is disappointing to you, and I'm sorry for this. Why don't we get out our calendars and plan another time when we can get together?"

I certainly understand that these are difficult decisions and phone calls to make. But in the end, you will feel better when you create a new holiday tradition that best suits you.

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Thanksgiving is almost here, and spending time with family can be the best — and worst — part of the holidays. Cramped quarters, conflicting personalities, and childhood baggage mean tensions can run high, especially when you don't have any time to yourself. But with a little creativity, you can find ways to squeeze in alone time, and avoid a meltdown. Here are a few:

• Offer to be the errand-runner: If you're craving a little time to yourself, speak up when your mom mentions she's out of sugar. Even a few minutes in the car blasting music (or just sitting in silence) can be enough to pull you back from the brink.
• Go for a walk: Can't take another second of togetherness around the fire? Suggest a brisk after-dinner walk. True, you usually can't get away with doing this one all by yourself, but even the most grating of family members can be more palatable outdoors in the crisp air. And if all else fails, walk fast.
• Put on your dishwashin' gloves: Offering to take on clean-up duty is a double whammy. You'll earn brownie points for pitching in, and since only so many helpful hands can tackle a sink of dishes, you'll get a little QT with just you and the suds.

Need more ideas? Keep reading.