Blended Families

"Where do you draw the line on step parents making decisions in their step-children's [lives]?" asks Circle of Moms member Lindsay H. Should a step-mom weigh in on the school her step-child attends, or whether he can get a tattoo?

Many moms whose ex husbands are remarried feel strongly that there are certain situations where step-moms need to mind their own business. As Allison S. explains, "Obviously, when my daughter is in their home it's their rules, but I don't feel this woman should have any say in the 'big decisions' in my daughter's life."

So what are those "big decisions?" When is it okay for a step mom to set rules and enforce them (covered in a recent article), and when will she be perceived as crossing a line? To help answer that thorny question, I've rounded up three parenting situations moms generally flag as areas of caution for step-moms, plus one general piece of advice on how to tread when these issues come up.

1. What Kids Wear

According to Dawn A., step-moms shouldn't assume final say on how a child looks or what she wears, as her choices might not mesh with the wishes of the biological mom. Her daughters' step-mom, who buys a lot of clothing for the family, selects items that Dawn deems "a bit old," for her girls, including a string bikini for her 13-year-old.

2. Parent Teacher Conferences

Responsibility for a child's education belongs to the biological parents, says Circle of Moms member Donna L.: "I don't think the step-mom should go [to a parent teacher conference]. I think the child's parents should go."

But can step and bio parents attend together? Gina M., who used to teach, explains that this is often a recipe for its own kind of trouble, because mixing parents and step-parents in the same room can be "like jump-roping on land mines. You had to watch your step or things could quickly explode."

3. Major Life Decisions

Finally, many moms feels step moms should step back when it comes to high impact life decisions like which high school to attend, says Amber Q. "That should be my ex's and my responsibility," she says.

Many parents include medical decisions in this category, including Dawn M. She shares the story of a friend whose child has a medical condition: "The stepmother, an educated woman but not a medical professional, decided [my friend's son] didn't need to go to the doctor appointment that she had agreed to take him to. She has also decided he only needs to take half the dose of medicine prescribed by the doctor."

Natasha W. underscores the point that step-parents should exercise caution in situations like these, adding that unless the child's biological parents are out of the picture, "it's just simply not legal" for a step-parent to assume this kind of responsibility.

A Word to the Wise

Many Circle of Moms members say they wouldn't object to the step-mom in their children's lives having an opinion in decisions, as long as she consults and respects her opinion, too. "The step-parent needs to talk to the biological parent first before making serious decisions for the children," says Candace S. "My ex-husband's wife tries to take over my role as a mother. Yes it was hurtful when I found out that both of them were teaching my daughter to call her 'mom.' I feel they both don't give me respect as a mother."

In the end, a little courtesy on both sides seems to go a long way, says Amy T. "Step-moms need to remember they will be living with the biological mom for a long time. When you married her ex, you didn’t just marry him and his children, you married her as well."

For another point of view, see Should Stepparents Step Up as Disciplinarians?

Image Source: spaceodissey via Flickr

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

I am a step-mom. I don’t have any children of my own, yet. Although being a step-mom is not unique, maybe my step situation is.  I’ve been in my step-son’s life since he was three months old. I watched him get his first teeth, heard him say his first words, and cheered him when he took his first steps. I have gritted my teeth through his tantrums, gagged my way through his gag-worthy diapers and held tissues for his snotty nose.

But sometimes I wonder, am I really a mom? If you were to ask me this question my answer would be a resounding “yes!”  And though I consider myself a mom to my step-son, I am not really his mom. In addition to me he has a wonderful mommy who carried him in her belly and loves every last bit of him too.

So I wonder, what really makes you a mom? The obvious scientific answer is, if you give birth, you are a mom.  But science doesn’t account for each family's unique situation, so we are back to square one.

Even though I feel like I am a mom, I don’t always get the impression that other real moms see things the same way I do.  Maybe you can’t be a real mom without the pain of childbirth…..but what about epidurals?  Maybe you can’t be a real mom without nine months of pregnancy….but what about surrogates? Maybe you can’t be a real mom without the genetic bond…..but what about adoption? 

Even with all these questions, I feel like a mom. And even though I still feel like a mom, I absolutely recognize, respect, and encourage the bond my step-son has with his real mom. In that same vain, I have a deep amount of gratitude that his real mom has faith in me to care for her son when he is with us. As I write this I realize there is probably not a greater level of trust two women can have then to essentially, share a child. But I’m getting a little deep now….

So let me ask again, am I really a mom? I mentioned to a friend once that my husband bought me a Mother’s Day card and she asked me, “Why?” Why? Really? Did you not notice the little monkey jumping on my back and asking me for honey bunnies every 5 seconds?

I don’t think she meant anything by it, but scenarios like this one (and there are many) often make me feel like some moms don’t think you’re really a mom until you squeeze a crying baby out of your nether region.

The funny thing is, I don’t know if there is an answer. I feel so strongly now that yes, I am a mom, without a doubt, I’m a mom, for sure! But I haven’t yet had the experience of being pregnant, giving birth and looking into the eyes of a beautiful child who is mine and my husband’s together. There is no denying that all of those things are a really big deal; I mean, they are life changing events after all. So, as often as I wonder if I’m really a mom, I also wonder if how I feel now will change once I’m really a mom.

Only time can answer that question. But until then, I propose we collectively be more sensitive to what we think really makes someone a mom. Because you don’t always have to feel the pain of childbirth, be pregnant or be genetically related to a child for that to happen. Instead we should be positive and supportive of the women in our lives that are positive and supportive of the children in their lives and just leave it at that.

Image Source: Personal photo

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

Being a stepparent is tricky. You want to support your spouse and you want to find a way to relate to your stepchildren, but you don’t want to overstep your bounds. 

When it comes to disciplining step kids, those boundaries can become especially difficult to navigate, and many Circle of Moms members who have step-children or who are remarried struggle with knowing when it's appropriate for  a stepparent to "step up" and be a disciplinarian to their spouse's children. The answer is no doubt personal and specific to every different stepparent/stepchild relationship out there. Here are four tips our moms recommend considering as you broach this issue within your own family.

1. Consider your history and the children's ages.

Disciplining other people’s children is a sensitive issue to begin with, but when you're a stepparent dealing with your spouse's children it's more complicated than dealing with someone else’s child at the playground.

The kids in question aren’t strangers and they aren’t your children’s friends but, in some cases, they’re not exactly as close to you as your kids yet, either. Because of this, Mom Kay C. feels that whether or not a stepparent should be disciplining a step child “depends on how long you have been the step parent.”

The other side of this is how old the children are when you become their stepparent. If your stepchildren are teenagers or young adults, it’s going to be very hard to come in and try to change what they’ve always known, a caution put forth by Dr. Phil McGraw. Many moms agree with Dr. Phil — specifically that it’s hard to discipline your partner’s children if they are older than toddlers when you blend your families.

2. Establish house rules as a united front

Jodi, who is both a mother and a stepmother, agrees that it takes time to build a relationship with step kids, but doesn’t think this means that discipline needs to be set aside while you build a bond. When she and her husband combined families, they solved this problem by establishing a set of basic house rules that applied to all the children in the household equally.

In the beginning of their marriage, they were careful to make sure that consequences were doled out by each child’s biological parent. Over time the system evolved and now, when a rule is broken, either parent can enforce the consequence.

Terri H., who also has a blended family, agrees that having house rules makes this whole process much more palatable to kids: "If you have a general set of house rules, such as curfews, cleaning up rooms, chores, bedtimes, etc., it is acceptable for both the step parent and the natural parent to enforce them.”

3. Avoid physical punishments.

There are others who are more hesitant to say stepparents should have full rein when it comes to discipline. For some, the issue is what the word “discipline” means.

Circle of Moms member Jenni defines discipline as "guid[ing] and teach[ing] good behavior and conduct.' She, like many other mothers, feels that if discipline means spanking in your home, then the step parent should step out of the equation.

Whether you think spanking is wrong or that spanking is sometimes warranted, having a non blood-related caregiver administer a spanking has the potential to create relationship issues that are far more serious than the question of whether a stepparent has the right to discipline.

4. Operate as equals.

In some houses, there is simply no differentiation among parents. Mom Justine M. feels that in her blended household, they operate as a family unit, with "no steps” diminishing their relationships, and that as long as a stepparent is also providing “the love, time, and attention the kid needs...there should be no boundaries for discipline.”

A number of moms agree, many of them remarking that they think that stepparents should treat their stepchildren the same way they would treat their biological children. Again, that’s much easier to do if all the parents involved have a hand in creating — and agreeing upon — the house rules and consequences.

To Step Up or Step Out?

Like many of the questions Circle of Moms member raise around step parenting, the question of discipline doesn’t have any easy answers. Whether a stepparent should step up or step out seems to be dependent on many factors, not the least of which is whether the couple she or he is part of acts as a cohesive parenting unit.

As member Justine so aptly put it, “The key to step parenting is to have a great partner that you can trust, [with] both of you putting up a unified front you can agree on.”

Image Source: slightlywinded via Flickr/Creative Commons

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

A marriage between two individuals is a tremendously significant merge on its own. But add in kids and the event takes on an entirely new meaning. Whether the bride, groom, or both parties have children from previous relationships, ensuring that they feel included in their parent's next life step begins even before the proposal.

The good news is that getting your newly blended family off to the right start is entirely within your control. Incorporate your own spin on these suggestions to make sure that your kids (or new stepkids) feel included, and honored, in your wedding planning, wedding day, and beyond.

• Raise the Issue in Advance: Don't wait until a wedding date's being set to address your new relationship status with your kids. Depending on their age(s), have an appropriate conversation about what the marriage will mean to you as a family — both logistically and in terms of the changing dynamics.
• Will You (All) Marry Me? While it's still appropriate for a proposal to be an intimate moment between two people, gathering the whole family for a celebratory discussion around the time of an engagement is a nice way to address any concerns and share the excitement.
• At the Altar: In addition to including your children in the wedding party (or having your wedding party consist exclusively of your kids), many couples opt to give them special roles. If they're old enough, kids can do readings during the ceremony, or you can write your own "family vows" that include everyone.
• A Special Ceremony: Work with your officiant to come up with a unique ritual that you can incorporate into your ceremony. This should take into account your kids' ages, religious beliefs, and family traditions to ensure that it's a meaningful event as opposed to just "going through the motions."
• Family Ties: Gifting your children with a special piece of jewelry or family heirloom gives them something symbolic to represent their new family.

Source: Flickr User bkleinh

Consuelo T., a Circle of Moms community member, knows firsthand the stigma society associates with moms who are not the custodial parents of their children following divorce.

“My son moved in with his dad and I see he is doing just fine and has a great step mom...but the animosity kills me,” writes Consuelo, who adds that though she and her son have a close relationship, others have been hurtful and very immature to her.

“I am not the enemy,” says Consuelo, who says she wishes others would realize that.”My son hears the comments and passes them on to me. What do I do?”

Whether that stigma is real or just felt, the debate about custodial mothers rages on. Many Circle of Moms community members are reaching out to the community here for help in coping with the negative stigma. Others believe the stigma is deserved.

“My ex and I have chosen that he remain the custodial parent for a variety of reasons,” says Crystal A. “I am looking for a group that may have experience with this non-traditional divorce arrangement. Can anyone point me in a direction? “

But Kelly M. writes: “Our families and our country are suffering from an epidemic that can be stopped. Too many non-custodial parents have abandoned the children that they produced and are willfully neglecting them emotionally and financially. We cannot force these people to be there for our children emotionally.”

We’ve all heard this accusatory assumption about non-custodial moms: “There must be something wrong with her, because the mom never loses her kids in divorce.” The underlying belief is that she’s a drug addict, has mental issues, or is selfish and walked away. Any mother that leaves her children must have something wrong with her, the litany goes.

But that’s not true, says writer Lee Block on the The Huffington Post, explaining that despite feminism, we’ve been programmed to think that it is the woman’s job to rear the children.

“When a father is non-custodial, we picture this guy who is out working really hard and just doesn't have the time to raise his children on his own,” says Block. “He is noble and kind and pays his child support on time. And, when he does take those kids for his three days at a time, we applaud him for doing it on his own. Why can't the non-custodial mother be viewed the same way?

Block adds: “The decisions these women made to not be the primary custodian did not come easily or lightly, but in the end, their only concern was what was best for the kids. None of them have split parenting time, they all have standard visitation. And, with that being said, they all not only feel a closer bond to their children, who confide in them more during their quality time, they have a better co-parenting relationship with their ex-husbands.”

Looking for support on how to navigate as a non-custodial parent?

Visit Circle of Mom’s group Non-Custodial Moms.

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

Thanks to the bizarre antics of Charlie Sheen, the perennial debate over whether or not an ex-spouse’s new girlfriends should get involved in parenting has bubbled to the surface. Moms everywhere shuddered when Sheen’s two 24-year-old porn star/model girlfriends, “the goddesses,” pronounced on TV that they’re assisting in the day-to-day childcare of his twin two year-old sons.

Sheen can insist that there’s nothing wrong with that picture, but authorities removed his two sons from his custody, and a growing number of divorced Circle of Moms members disagree. They say they worry about how their own children fare when they’re with their ex-spouse’s new love interest.

Why can’t the girlfriends just leave the kids alone? is the collective cry of moms in Circle of Moms’ Moms Dealing With Divorce community.

Jessica W. says she worries about the influence of her ex-husband’s live-in girlfriend (who is also her former friend) on her daughter, Lexie.

“She's not good with kids. I\'ve seen how she treats his nieces and nephews and I don\'t like what I\'ve seen,” she says. \"What scares me is her being around Lexie, my little girl.”

Sherilynn D. doesn’t like having to deal with her ex-husband’s 20-year-old girlfriend’s immaturity: “Every time I have to talk to him on the phone she has something rude to say,” writes Sherilyn. “When our kids go to visit him she makes rude little comments. I don\'t do baby momma drama, so I don\'t know if I should just let it go or if I should say something. It\'s really starting to get to me.\" Though there is not much a mom can do to change who is in her ex-husband’s company when he\'s with the children, here\'s some advice from Circle of Moms members that may be easier for a mom to cope:

“Hang in there!!” says Sarah F. “Unfortunately you have no say when you child is at their father's house in who they hang out with. Don\'t let her words get to you. My ex\'s once told me that she was a better mother to my son than I was. Guess what, my son hates the lady. The only way you will be able to keep her from your child is if you can prove her unfit. Good Luck.”

Carol M. assures moms that the girlfriend won’t be loved more by the child: “No other girl is going to replace you in your child’s life. You are the only woman and mother in your child’s eyes.”

In the controversial bad boy Sheen\'s case, a judge called a halt to the \"goddesses\'\" involvement in his sons\' life, and police removed the twins and issued temporary custody to their mother Brook Mueller.

What do you think? Should an ex-husband’s girlfriends be involved in parenting your children?

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

Cleaning is just part of life. It has to be done. But in a large or blended family where the members have varying schedules due to work or visitation requirements, not to mention differrent definitions of the word clean, keeping the physical household spic-n-span often isn't at the top of the to-do list.

It's not unusual to hear step-moms say they still do the bulk of the cleaning.

"It seems like every day I wake up and tackle the house cleaning and by the time I'm close to being done everyone comes home and well ... undoes everything I just did," writes Dawn T., a member of the Large or Blended Families community.

"I work 40 plus hours a week, my husband does as well but in the end, I still have to do everything," laments Jennifer N.

Her two biological sons - ages seven and nine - are responsible for cleaning their rooms and taking their clothes to the laundry. Her expectations for her 18-year-old stepson are no different. But his of her are. Jennifer said he expects to be paid for doing dishes and putting his laundry in the washing machine.

This dilemna is one Tami V. also understands. There are five children in her household: two older stepdaughters and the three biological children she had with her husband. Getting her older daughters to help just isn't happening, she reports. "At the ages of 14 and 10, it should already happen since they've been with us for six years."

This struggle over household chores isn't unusual for blended families, which parents and children typically enter into with divergent perspectives regarding cleaning and chores.

Kate is a member of the Mums Over 40 ... With Children of All Ages community. She's also a stepmom, blending three of her own children with the three children her husband brought into their marriage.

"We don't seem to agree on children doing chores or cleaning up after themselves," posts Kate. "His kids never had to clean up after themselves."

From leaving dirty dishes lying around, to wet towels on the floors and toothpaste all over the bathroom, Kate believes her step children are corrupting her biological children's sense of cleanliness, and lowering their sense of responsibility.

"Now ... my kids don't want to do any chores or their everyday cleanup because his kids don't have to," she writes.

While kids normally don't want to do chores no matter what therir family structure, the dynamics of a blended family can certainly work against keeping order. This is especially true when the custodial home includes a stepmom who is trying to curtail the mess left behind by family members who do not accept her legitimacy as an authority figure.

"How do I avoid being the mean stepmom?" is a question posed by Gina W in her search for answers on how to engage her stepdaughters in household chores. "It's killing me and making me feel like the mean stepmom when I have to reprimand them."

It may be best to set aside the titles and just focus on keeping the home clean for all who live in it.

That's the advice of Richelle T., a stepmom who also posted in the Large or Blended Families community.

Her stepson visits on the weekends, and she reports, "I make him clean up after himself when he is here because he still needs to know that no matter where you are at, if you make a mess, you clean it up. Remember, you are the one that runs your home. Not the kids."

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.