Blended Families

Almost nothing enrages a mother more than the thought of another woman replacing her. When biological children start using any derivative of "Mom" in reference to another woman, many of us get downright territorial.

"I was devastated when my son piped up about 18 months ago with, 'Daddy said I can call his girlfriend Mummy,'" writes Brooke W., a member of the Single Moms community. "I thought it was really wrong of my ex to encourage that in a child who lives with his bio mother full-time. I guess to some it sounds silly but hearing your child call you 'Mummy' is one of motherhood's joys, and I believe, privileges. And it hurts to imagine my only child calling someone else that special title."


"She was not pregnant with him, [did not] give birth, or spend more hours awake than asleep with him," posts Jade C., also a member of the Single Moms community. Her son's biological father allowed her son to call his dad's new wife "Mom."

"I explained to my ex-husband that I birthed these children and while they need to respect his wife, she is not their mother. I am," writes Elizabeth T. in the Children with Divorced Parents community.

Keep reading to see more on this delicate subject.

From inheriting step children to dealing with biological moms and ex-wives, navigating the challenges and surprises of blending families is rarely easy. Here, Circle of Moms members offer insights into the biggest surprises they faced.

1. How Difficult the Role of Stepmom Is

For many moms who remarry, the biggest surprise is that the skills they've already honed as moms don't prepare them for the role of stepmom.  

Gayla G., author of the blog Stepparenting with Grace, explains: “When I married my second husband, I had two daughters already and loved being a mom," she says. "But I was surprised to find out how difficult the role of stepmom was and the degree of emotional impact step parenting had."

Claudette of The Stepmom Coach Blog was similarly surprised by how complicated and challenging being a stepmom is, noting, "It was not easy to find my way." For Claudette, the realization inspired her to seek support and guidance from other stepmoms.

2. How the Kids Adapt

So much is written about how creating a yours-and-his family can be challenging for the children. As a result, Maureen T. says she was prepared for the experience to be stressful at times, and committed herself to being patient. But instead, she was happy to discover the opposite was true in her family. "The most surprising part of being in a blended family is how well the children adapted," she shares.

Carine L. says she too expected that the second union could have its share of predictable hurdles, but was pleasantly surprised at the smooth transition. Her biggest surprise? "[When my step kids] asked to call me mom — especially because they have their own mom." Erin H. shares a similar experience: "I've been pleasantly surprised that my step kids have accepted me and look to me as someone they respect."

3. The Ex-Wife's Feelings

It’s almost a given that moms in blended families expect a little friction with their husband’s ex and the mother of her step children. But the intensity of the hostility can be surprising for many moms.

"The biggest surprise came from my husband's ex-wife," says Jenna K., author of the Step Mom Help blog. Since the duo had been divorced for six years, Jenna says she assumed there wouldn't be problems in that department. "[I] soon realized ‘she’ was going to be my toughest challenge, not the kids."

Chanda W., who writes Step Living, also wasn't prepared for how her relationship with her step kids could be negatively affected by their biological mom's attitude: "What surprised me about my current ‘blended family’ is how profoundly a biological mother's attitude/temperament/personality determines the kids' attitude toward their stepmother."

4. Missing Single Motherhood

As a single mom, Carol S. yearned to get married and create a new family. But as her blended family was melding, she found herself suddenly longing for her former single mom lifestyle. It caught her off guard, she shares: "I was surprised by how much harder it was than being a single mother and how much I missed, even longed for, being a single mom again with just my two girls." 

Carol adds that marrying a man with three kids was a lot more work than she bargained for. What surprised her most: "[All the] negotiation, consensus building and conflict resolution involved that I didn’t have to deal with before as a single parent."

5. The Depth of Love for New Step Kids

Falling in love with a new spouse may have been easy, but many moms worry whether they can love step children as much as their biological children. For Barb G., it was a pleasant surprise to discover how deeply she fell in love with her new step kids. "I knew that I loved my step children when I married my husband," she says. "The surprise is that the love is no different than the love I have for my bio child."

What was your biggest surprise about becoming a blended family?

Image Source: MishBradley via Flickr/Creative Commons

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

Sara B., whose mother-in-law treats her son differently than she does his step siblings, says it's painful for kids when step-grandparents favor their biological grandchildren.

By the same token, Patricia D. wonder whether being a step-grandmother is really the same as being "a real grand-mom.”

Sara and Patricia are among the many Circle of Moms members who are grappling not only with the challenge of blending two families but with incorporating step-grandparents into their family trees.

When there is no biological bond obligating a step-grandparent to be involved in the lives of their step-heirs, the rules of engagement tend to be confusing. Chrissy D., for instance, worries about names. What should kids call their step-grandmother? she asks. Other moms wonder about a step-grandparent's rights and roles in their children's lives.

How can blended families avoid these awkward or hurtful dynamics and build strong bonds? To help, Circle of Moms members share the tips below on navigating the challenging world of step-grandparent relationships.

Defining the Role of a Step-Grandparent

Deborah V. has noticed how easy it is for disparities between step-siblings to emerge when grandparents lavish gifts and attention on their biological grandchildren while ignoring their step-grandchildren. "What is the role of the step grandparents in a blended family?" she wonders.

She feels strongly that step-grandparents should take a back seat; that a step-grandmother just isn't the same as a true grandmother: "I believe that all step-grandmothers should back off and let the biological grandmother enjoy her grandbabies without any interference from the step."

While Martina V. agrees that the issue is tricky and that parents should "not interfere" with the relationship a biological grandparent has with his or her grandchildren, she cautions against taking such a hard line. She suggests that step moms and moms in blended families allow their children to be loved by all the grandparents, even the step-grandparents, as "all children need to feel loved and wanted by all their family members."

Indeed, many moms feel strongly that all grandparents, step and biological have important roles to play. "Grandmas are all the same, we love the kids," says Bernie R. "There are no ‘steps’ in loving grandchildren."

Rather than trying to compete with existing grandparents, adds Margaret G., who is a step grandparent herself, step-grandparents should allow their relationships with step grandchildren to develop slowly, without pushing. She also suggests that families work hard to eliminate any real or perceived competition between step-grandparents and biological grandparents:

"There doesn't have to be any competition between you and the ‘natural’ grandma; all you have to do is love the grand kids and be a part of their lives," she says.  

Kim S. and a member named Heather, both step-moms, agree: "Treat your step-grandchildren no differently from your real grandchildren and there will be no problems, says Heather, while Kim recounts the success that has resulted from her own mother's open-hearted embrace of the step kids in her blended family. Her mother welcomed her three step children as if she had always known them and continues to always remember their birthdays as well as those of her biological grandchildren. This bridge building, says Kim, has helped strengthen her family's bonds.

Choosing a Step Grandparent Name That Fits

In addition to cultivating a role and relationship that's both comfortable and positive for step grandparents, moms struggle with what to have their children call them, but many find that the two challenges are related. Chrissy D., for instance, is trying to decide what her 18-month-old should call her father’s wife, whom he married after Chrissy was already grown. "It doesn't seem right for my son to call her ‘Grandma’ as he already has two of those," she says, adding that she doesn't consider her dad's wife to be her own step-mother.

In response, Shalaina V. suggests simply having a child call a step-grandma by her first name. Jeramie I. suggests adding "Grandma" or "Grandpa" before the first name, almost like a title:

"I say 'Grandma Nancy' and 'Grandpa George,'" she explains, to give step grandparents grandparent status while distinguishing them from the biological grandparents. "We feel they're a part of the family, so they're 'Grandmas' and "Grandpas' to the children."

Another way to express that bond is to come up with an affectionate-sounding moniker, as Maureen M. did for her kids' step-grandma: "We call her 'Sandy-Gram,'" she says. "I think as long as it's a different name than your mother and mother-in- law are called, anything is fine," she adds. Circle of Moms member Sue H. suggests being creative as well; her family calls their step-grandma "GiGi."

Another way to select a name for the step-grandparents is to sit back and observe what the kids call them and see what surfaces, suggests Vicki T.: "Don't call her anything and see what your son makes up."

But many moms insist that step-grandparents should be called "Grandma" or "Grandpa," just like biological grandparents. "When in doubt about what to call a step-grandmother, consider 'Grandma.' You can’t have too many grandmas," stresses Circle of Moms member Theresa J.

What role do your children's step-grandparents play in your family?

Image Source: jaaron via Flickr/Creative Commons

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

As the ranks of blended and nontraditional families expand, many parents are groping for a better way to label their relationships with their partner's children. As Jen C. explains, the "step" prefix can feel inadequate, and removing it can offend: “I absolutely adore my stepdaughter who is four and I have been in her life since she was one. But I hate the stigma when I introduce her as my stepdaughter. I am aware I am not her biological mother, and am afraid her mom will think I am trying to claim her as my kid if I call her my daughter. Any advice?”

As it turns out, there's little agreement, even among step-parents, on the ideal term. Many are aware that the way they refer to their step children can shape perceptions of the step-parent-step-child bond, both inside and outside of the family, and many have strong feelings about what they (and other family members) shouldn’t call step kids.

Ruth C., for instance, shuns the “step” prefix because she finds it fraught with negativity. “We have never been fond of the ‘step’ label when referring to ourselves or our children," she says. Referring to the four kids she and her new husband share in their blended family, she emphatically states, "They are not floor mats, they are children." Unfortunately, her mother-in-law does not feel the same:

“I also come from a broken home and know firsthand the pain of not being accepted by the new husband's family. I have made my opinion very clear on the subject, and yet my mother-in-law will still introduce my children as my ‘children from a previous marriage’ or as her son's ‘step-daughters,’ or as his ‘wife's children.’  The other day my daughter told her that her feelings were hurt by these phrases, and my mother-in-law responded with, ‘So what if I tell people he isn't your biological father, it’s not a big deal.”

Meredith W. also is not a big fan of calling the children in her blended family “step” kids.“I grew up in a ‘yours mine and ours' family,” she says. “No matter what other people thought or said, we knew we were a family and never used the word 'step' in our home."

But if you're dispensing with the "step" prefix, what are the alternatives? Here, Circle of Moms members in blended families weigh in on the various options and the controversies that surround them.

Calling Your Step Kids “My Kids”

Christine K. feels more than entitled to call her step son "my son." She has raised him without much help from his biological mom and reports that he calls her 'Mommy.' Her view, that your language should reflect your bond, is echoed by Megan K., who also dispenses with the "step" when referring to her stepchildren:

“I always introduce my twin stepdaughters as ‘my daughters. Once when I did that one looked up and said: ‘Well she didn't born us, but she is still my mom.’ I almost lost it (laughing that is). Kids say the darn-est things. She was seven when she said that.”

But there may be an even more important reason to lose the "step." Laura P. points out that the moniker you use speaks volumes about how you view the child in your heart. “I do not call my stepdaughter my stepdaughter to anyone because to me she is my child,” she says. “I also do not call myself her stepmother. If you are treating that child with love and you see her as your daughter how could that possibly be a bad thing?”

Renee H., mom to "three wonderful boys," one of whom is a stepson, agrees that in blended families all the children should be referred to as sons and daughters. “When I refer to [my stepson] I call him my son, or one of my boys.”

Creating A Special Name for Your Step Kids

Marcella N. is one of several step moms who feel the terminology problem is a call for creativity. She's a stepdaughter herself, and now that she's become a stepmom she's employing the same happy nickname she used with her own stepmom: bonus mom. “I am now a bonus mom myself with three beautiful bonus children. I love those kids as if they were my own and will continue to do so.”

Betty J. has also come up with an affectionate and clever way to refer to her stepdaughter. “When introducing my stepdaughter to people I say, ‘This is my Lucy.' When talking about her I often just call her my daughter and I really don't care what people think of it. It's not my job to point out to the world that she is my stepchild.”

Nicole G. and her husband refer to their blended family of children as “our kids," using pronouns to draw the distinctions between the ones they share biologically and the ones they each brought to the marriage:

“When my husband and I are talking, we both refer to the kids as ‘our kids,'” she says. “Close family members refer to them as my kids or ‘you and Jason's kids."

Sticking With "Stepson" and "Stepdaughter"

In spite of lively conversations about alternatives to using "stepson" and "stepdaughter," quite a few moms in blended families prefer to hold on to these traditional labels. As Petra K. shares, in her family they reinforce important distinctions:

“I refer to mine as my stepson. I figure he already has a mom, and he loves her very much, so there is no need for me to try to fill that role for him.”

Julie G. agrees that "stepchild" is sufficient: “I have a 16-year-old stepson and have been with my husband since he was two,” she says. “I have never played mommy to my stepson and that is not to say I don't have thoughts and opinions regarding him, but as a stepdaughter myself I know there is a delicate balance to maintain between stepchildren and stepparents,” she says.

How do you refer to your kids in a blended family?

Image Source: RashidaSimmons via Flickr/Creative Circle

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

If you were around in 2007, you probably heard actor Alec Baldwin’s vitriolic voicemail message to his 11-year-old daughter in which he tells her "I'm a good father and you’re a pig," and then tells her to tell mother to... well, do something unpleasant to herself.

Is Parental Alienation Syndrome Real?

When you’re in the midst of custody battle, like Baldwin was, it’s normal for your child is to feel torn and ambivalent about her relationship with each parent. But when your child begins shunning you, seems to hate you for no reason, or begins repeating lies about you, she may be experiencing what Dr. Richard Gardner describes as Parental Alienation Syndrome.

That’s the syndrome Baldwin attributed his behavior to. His statement ("I have been driven to the edge by parental alienation for many years now. You have to go through this to understand.") started a flurry of debate about whether Parental Alienation Syndrome is a real disorder, or as Carol S. Bruch, a distinguished researcher in the field of family law, called it, "junk science."

Junk science or not, Circle of Moms members say the feelings of alienation can be very real. Many have experienced it themselves, and urge others in custody battles or even just messy separations to recognize the signs that mean it's time to get some help for your child.

What is Parental Alienation?

Though the American Psychiatric Association doesn’t recognize it as a mental disorder, their reasoning for this helps to further explain what Parental Alienation actually is. According to Dr. Darrel Reiger, PAS can’t be defined as a mental disorder because it’s a parent-child relationship dysfunction, not a mental health issue contained within one individual.

Circle of Moms members Traci Z. and Erin C. know all about PAS and parent-child issues. Traci's step kids have disowned her and their biological father because of the things their mother has told them. She says the courts won't acknowledge PAS and that they have no recourse. But Erin thinks that there is hope; she suggests continued documentation of changes in child behavior. When there's a dramatic negative change in a child's behavior and no evident signs of abuse, she feels the courts are likely to take notice.

Signs of Parental Alienation Syndrome

Even if the courts don’t take notice, you can. A Circle of Moms member named Katherine explains what the signs looks and feel like:

"I feel as if my daughter has to actively and constantly find things to say about me that are negative and invented in order to justify her rage at me. We were so close and I know she wants to be able to love her mother still. It becomes worse every single day."

Other signs of Parental Alienation (as defined by Dr. Gardner) include:

• Your child aligns with their other parent to attack your reputation. 
• Your child’s reasons for denigrating you are weak, silly or just absurd.
• Your child’s hostility toward you is complete, without the ambivalence found in typical human relations. 
• Your child says it’s her own idea to be hostile to you, not anyone else's. 
• Your child automatically defends her other parent, no matter what. 
• Your child doesn’t seem to feel guilty about how this is affecting you. 
• Your child’s claims are "borrowed scenarios," or basically, words are being put in her mouth. 
• Your child’s inexplicable hatred isn’t just toward you, but also toward other members of your family.

What Can You Do?

It's definitely important to document what your child is saying for custody purposes, but it’s also important to remember that this is a deliberate attempt to sabotage your relationship with your child, which many moms liken to brainwashing.

You may not be able to convince your child that her other parent is wrong, but you can do what Katherine did: find her a good therapist. After all, as Erin points out, "It’s very psychologically damaging to [children] and sets up a pattern of mistrust and anger toward others in personal relationships."

Resources:

Parental Alienation Syndrome and Parental Alienation: Getting It Wrong in Child Custody Cases (Carol S. Bruch)
Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS): Sixteen Years Later (Richard A. Gardner, M.D.)

Image Source: Ed Yourdon via Flickr/Creative Commons

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

Making the plans to spend time with family over the holidays is tough enough with only two families involved, but for blended families it can be a nightmare! To make this season a little easier moms who have done the holiday share and switch-off share some holiday survival tips for blended families, below.

1. Split Up the Holidays Evenly

Some Circle of Moms members suggest an every other year schedule for the big holidays, but that doesn’t work for all families. Member Betty J. says her ex spends every other holiday with their daughter, which means last year Betty got her for a long Thanksgiving holiday, and this year she gets her for Christmas.

Two holidays that Circle of Moms members are in agreement about are Mother's Day and Father's Day. As Kimberly K. puts it: "Mom has Mother’s Day [and] dad has Father’s Day."

Formalize the Details 

It’s not enough to say that children will spend the odd year winter holidays with their father and the even years with their mother. Moms Anna L. and Tamara S. remind you to put it in writing, and to have the agreement notarized. While you’re at it, make sure all the details are spelled out. Make sure you clarify questions like:

• Who is making travel arrangements or picking up the children?
• What involvement will grandparents have in the holiday and whose responsibility is it to make that happen?
• How long will your children stay at each house for the holiday?

2. Let Your Children Go to Both Houses

When you want so badly to celebrate the holidays with your children it can be easy to lose sight of the fact that what’s important is that they have a happy holiday season. One Circle of Mom member, a mom who goes by the name "Medic Mommy," learned from her own experience that it’s hard on kids to be shuffled between houses on the holidays, so she won’t put her own children through it.

Lynda S. says it’s in the best interest of her children to work together and let them attend both sides of the family's events. While that’s not always possible for all families, the most important thing, as mom Kimi B. says, is that all the children need to be together for the holidays. If your children are scheduled to visit another parent, that means you may have to celebrate the holiday a few days late or a couple of days early.

3. Make New Family Traditions

When blended families come together or parents divorce, the holidays are going to look and feel different. That doesn’t have to be a bad thing. Take, for example, Crystal M.’s blended family. It’s a typical 'his, hers and ours,' in which she and her husband both had children from previous relationships and now have a child together. She describes the unique tradition they created for their family: "We celebrate Christmas two weeks early so that [we] can have everyone together at one time; the specific day doesn't matter, it's the fact that you can all just be ‘family’ that is what really matters."

Showing your children that people can celebrate holidays in new ways can also help them see that holiday fun isn’t tied to the traditions you had before your divorce or remarriage. Making new traditions, points out Naomi B., builds new memories.

Image Source: caitlinator via Flickr/Creative Commons

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

"Welcome to the hardest thing you will ever do: Be a step-parent and have a blended family."

So says Kris W., a Circle of Moms member who has one biological child and two step children. She's one of many members who feel that parents who expect previously unrelated children to live harmoniously under one roof, à la The Brady Bunch, are in for a rude awakening.

There is some good news, though: many moms who've remarried say that thoughtful planning on the part of both parents makes a huge diffrence when you blend two families. Here, these moms offer guidelines for helping two sets of kids form one household.

1. Acknowledge the Challenges

Children often have a tough time transitioning to their new surroundings, so keep in mind that adjusting to a new step parent and a new house will take some time, says Kris W., herself a step mom. She's one of several moms who say it's normal for parents to struggle with the dynamics of the merge on a daily basis, for years: “Just when you think you have got it down and things have been good for awhile, something will happen to make you feel like you are starting all over,” she shares.

Alicia L. agrees, adding that parents in a blended family should expect that struggle to re-emerge several years in; setbacks can happen even when it seems like the relationships are moving in a positive direction. Alicia discovered this when her children and stepchildren entered their tween years. “When my children were younger they appeared to adjust well to our marriage, but now that they are older they have gotten more opinionated — in a negative way,” she says.

2. Give Kids Time to Get to Know One Another First

A member named Jodi urges moms to take it slow when trying to combine households. "It is never a good idea to move in together until the kids have gotten to know each other," she cautions. "This takes time and it is something to tread carefully and slowly with if you want to be successful at blending a family."

3. Get on the Same Page with Your Partner

When parents remarry and bring kids from their previous families together, each side brings its own discipline rules, traditions, and communication styles. That’s why it's extra important for a newly married couple to get on the same page on everything from bedtimes to curfews. And Yashika W. reminds that both biological and step kids need to receive consistent messages from both parents:

“I have learned that a house divided is a house that will not stand. The kids have to know that there is no division in the house and that no matter what, you and spouse are the adults... . Respect, again respect, is a very important factor as well. It was hard for me as well, but my blended family has learned to adjust. There was coaching on both ends with my spouse and kids. But it has worked out beautifully.”

4. Keep Fights in Perspective

One of the perennial dilemmas of parenting is that kids fight. Biological kids, adopted kids, step kids, kids down the street. Fighting is part of childhood. So when two families try to merge, there will be battles, just as there are in any family situation, reminds Dawnette C. She and her husband, who have moving their four teens in together under one roof, are careful to keep the fights in perspective and pick their battles carefully.

5. Hold Regular Family Meetings

In the process of blending 'yours, mine and ours,' it is especially important that everyone needs to feel heard, especially the children, suggests mom Angela T.  One way to do so is hold regular family meetings, and also to make time to listen to each child individually. “My best advice would be to have family meetings and talk out anything that is bothering them,” says Angela T. who has two children from her first marriage, along with her husband’s four children and two children they had together. "We have dealt with the problems and headaches. The two oldest fight just like they are actually siblings, but when it comes down to it they would be there for the other one. You have to listen to their concerns and problems."

Katie P. says she has found that the best way to stay in touch with each child’s feelings in blended families is to make time for each child individually. “It is difficult with working full time and looking after the children  and house, but I still try and set aside time for my older son,” says the stepmom of an 11-year-old and mom of her 10-year-old son. “Sometimes it's just talking about school, friends, or looking at stuff on the laptop with him. I know he feels left out, as occasionally he will comment that I'm 'always playing / looking after his brother,' but by letting him stay up later occasionally or taking him out on a regular basis it improves dramatically.”

Image Source: Emery Co. Photo via Flickr/Creative Commons

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

For the most obvious of reasons, Karla B. is thrilled that she and her ex-husband are finally being civil to one another — friendly even! But while she knows it's good for her teen daughter that she and her ex now get along, she also thinks it's confusing: "She loves her dad but hates us getting along," she shares. Her daughter is upset because she doesn't understand why two people who get along so well can't simply get back together.

Alexis G. shares a similar story about how an amicable relationship between exes can confound a child: "We still attend parent/teacher conferences, baseball games, birthday parties, and school plays together. My son sometimes doesn't understand why we can't still be together," she rues.

Advice on how to make the best of the relationship for your kids when the battle escalates after divorce is readily available, but what about the complications that ensue when a divorce is amicable? What do moms need to do to make sure a good relationship with a former husband doesn't devolve into a sore spot for the kids?

1. Give Your Kids Time to Adjust

Just as it takes kids time to adjust to the fact that their parents are splitting, they also need time to accept that their divorced parents are now, strangely, getting along, says Circle of Moms member Jackie L. The post-divorce experience she and her kids had, which she describes as "pain and hard years," underscores how reluctant kids might be to accept another confusing change.

Another divorced mom, Heather A., mentions that every major change in a family's members and dynamics takes kids time to accept. For hers, there was a period of struggle following the birth of her ex's new baby with his second wife. Now the blended families — her ex’s new family and her own — hold birthday parties and the occasional dinner together, so it did eventually work out well: "My kids love seeing that their parents get along, and they enjoy having us both at events," she encourages. (She also mentions that to help the baby see the situation as natural, they all agreed that he would grow up calling her "Aunt.")

2. Once You've Made Peace, Keep it That Way

After working hard to make peace with her ex, Meghan O. says she strives hard to keep the disagreements they do still have under wraps. Her kids are now used to their parents getting along she doesn't want to confuse them further. Absent any obvious explanation for the occasional spat, she worries that the kids will blame themselves: "Kids pick up on the petty fighting and all that. Never tell your kids that the other parent doesn't want them or fight in front of them, or complain about your ex to your kids. They subconsciously think something is wrong with them if you complain about their dad or their mom," she warns.

Angie S. agrees: "We talk it out if there's an issue with the boys, and always seem to work it out. We've let all the pain and hurt go so we can be parents to our boys, and that is all that really maters in the end."

Christina H., who married a man who'd been divorced, has made it a priority to have a good relationship with his ex-wife. The adults in her blended situation act as a united front to show their children that divorce doesn't have to leave ever-lasting conflict in its wake, in which kids can "play one [parent] against the other."

3. Open the Lines of Communication

The best way to handle all aspects of divorce when there are kids in the picture is to be as open and honest as you can with your children, says Michelle W., another divorced Circle of Moms member. She encourages moms to confront a child's feelings of confusion or anger directly: "[You'd] think [the kids] would be happy that you both now get along, but it's good to find out why they feel awkward. Sit down and have a nice heart-to-heart over a big tub of ice cream."

Alexis G. underscores that you may need to have this conversation many times. To end her son's hopes that she and her ex will reunite, she makes a point of repeating that that their ability to attend events together peacefully is a good thing, but that it doesn't mean that they'll get back together.

Image Source: Tetra Pack via Flickr/Creative Commons

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

It’s funny, it never really occurs to me that I’m a stepchild, but I am. I think it’s because my stepdad has become such a huge part of my life that I don’t categorize myself as a stepchild, I am just his daughter. But because of my personal history, the debate playing out on Circle of Moms over how much of a role stepparents should play in making parenting decisions caught my eye.

This is always a hot topic on Circle of Moms, one that spawns heated debates and articles advocating for varying levels of stepparent participation. (See Why Step Moms Should Have a Say in Decision Making and 3 Parenting Situations Off Limits to Step Parents.)

My opinion is that each family has to figure it out for themselves, taking into account the personalities of all involved. Most of the time my advice comes from the parent or parenting educator inside of me. But on this question my advice stems from a different place: the stepchild inside of me.

My Parent's Divorce

My world fell apart at age 15. I was like every other 15-year-old: self-focused, obsessed with peers, snarky, entitled— normal right? I never saw it coming. Never.

Then one day my sister and I were told my parents were getting a divorce. W-h-a-t!?

It hit us hard because we thought it was coming out of the blue. In my mind there had been no clues, no signs they were headed for a divorce. Seriously, none! I began thinking about how this could happen and realized that they never fought, talked, dated, hugged or kissed. But since I was so busy being 15, I missed all those signs. 

A couple of years later mom announced she'd met a new person and was getting remarried.

I refused to allow my stepdad in. I extended him no rights at all. If he tried to get involved in my life in any way I would shun him or throw a full-blown teenage meltdown his way. What a way for the poor man to enter our family. I, of course, have since apologized.

9 Things My Stepdad Did Right

Having lived through, and accepted, a stepparent into my life, I wanted share some of the things my stepdad did that I think made a huge difference for us.

1. He never took my blame, anger, or teenage dislike of him personally. He knew I was conflicted. He knew I was loyal to my father and didn’t know how to work that out in my mind, at least not yet.

2. He never tried to take my father’s place. He knew that in order to be accepted he would need to create a different relationship between us.

3. He was smart enough to leave the big decisions up to my parents. He didn’t get involved, except when asked. Doing that said to me, “I honor that your parents are your parents and in charge of the 'big' decisions.” I really respected him for that.

4. He understood that respect is something that’s earned, not a right. He took that seriously. He gained my respect by treating me with respect.

5. He really listened to me and honored the emotional wounds that had been created by the divorce. He didn’t insist I push them aside and “get over it.”

6. He didn’t try to make any huge rules in the beginning of our relationship to help him establish his position as “The Stepdad.” He waited for the appropriate time and my mom’s support before doing so.

7. My mom and stepdad worked together to present a unified front to us. There was no negotiating about the rules, and no way to cause them to fight about a subject to get the focus off of me. That made me feel safe.

8. My stepdad always made it clear just how much he loved and respected my mom. As I watched simple gestures — a hug here and there, opening doors for her, bringing her flowers, I began to realize that he made Mom happier than we’d ever seen her, and again my love and respect for him increased.

9. Teenagers are hard to deal with. I would try to make my mom feel guilty so I could blame her for the pain I felt inside. She and my stepdad always honored my feelings, but wouldn’t accept the blame or guilt for loving each other. They taught me that my feelings were okay and they would not cave into my demands out of guilt.

I wanted you to hear from a stepchild what it feels like to have a new parent in your life. I hope this has helped in some small way.

Image Source: WalterPro4755

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.

Mallary M. is sick and tired of step-parents getting a bad rap. A step-mom herself, this Circle of Moms member feels that step-parents are uniquely qualified to play a significant role in blended family decision making. "Half the time it's the step-parent who is the only one who can look past the issues and fighting going on between the biological parents and actually see what is best for the child," she says.

Here, Mallary and other Circle of Moms members share five reasons why step-moms have a key role to play in family decision making — and why everyone wins when they participate fully. (For another perspective, see 3 Parenting Situations Off Limits to Step Parents.)

1. We're a Family

Many moms believe that taking on the role of step-parent means sharing in all decisions with your spouse. "As a step parent, I am as much involved with decisions as my husband and vice versa since there were kids on both sides," says Traci M. "After all, if you marry with children you not only marry that person, but their children as well. Sometimes, there are no brilliant answers for making children see the importance of what you are asking if it's different from [what goes on in] their other home. Open lines of communication and making yourself available at all times is the best you can do.”

"Parents, step or biological, should have equal rights to decision making," Dawn A. tells moms. "The decisions I make with my oldest daughter will affect the next four children growing up in our family. If I step out of the role of parent because a child is not my biological child you are only asking for problems with the boundaries for any children in your home."

Sunshine R. agrees. "I believe they should have just as much [authority] as the biological parents do. If it weren't for my step-dad, [who] I firmly believe he is my ‘real’ father, I wouldn't have any direction or discipline in my life. He has been there since I was six-months-old. So I think the step-parent should have just as much say."

2. The More Parental Figures The Better

Ultimately, having step-parents join biological parents in the decision making can be a positive situation for kids. "The fact is, when there is divorce, there is potential for other ‘parental’ figures to come into our children's lives," shares Donna W. "The main objective remains the same: making sure the kids have a safe and happy home in each home they are in. The words 'mom' or 'dad' don’t mean biological parent. I went into my relationship knowing that he had little ones. I knew that would mean that I would need to love them unconditionally, no matter what, that's what all children need. And I made that choice."

3. All Parents Should Share in Decisions

“My opinion [is that] ‘yours’ or ‘mine’ just doesn't seem like the best way to go. I prefer ‘ours,'" says Shannon H. "All four of us are equally important in [my step-daughter's] eyes, all four of us are involved in some aspect of her life, so all four of us have a say of what goes on in her life. Yes, our rules are different in each house, and yes, we don't always agree. Sometimes we have arguments, sometimes misunderstandings. But in the end, all four of us are raising her, so all four of us have a say of what goes on in her life."

4. My House, My Rules

"As for the discipline in our house, I have just as much say as my husband," states Emily B. "Sometimes, I am referred to as the 'step-monster' because I have rules and it does cause conflict between myself and my step-daughter and her mother at times. But...it is my house, so if you don't like it then don't come."

5. Treat all Kids Equally

When it comes to blended families, especially if there are kids from both sides, it's important for the step and biological parents to share in the discipline, says mom Jennifer L. "I have treated both the boys (my own and step-son) equal," she declares. "I love his son as my own. I feel making decisions is important to do equally, [my husband] for my son, and me for his."

For additional perspectives, see Should Stepparents Step Up as Disciplinarians? and 3 Parenting Situations Off Limits to Step Parents.

Image Source: iStock Photo

The views expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily represent the views of, and should not be attributed to, POPSUGAR.