Would You Tell Your Child If He or She Was a Surprise?

May 8, 2008

by POPSUGAR Moms 33

I have more than one friend that refers to herself as "an accident" and all are fine with the knowledge.

Odd age gaps between siblings or parents telling them they were a "welcomed surprise" are two telltale signs.

But regardless of age, does a child need to know that they are the result of a missed pill or condom breaking?

Would you tell your tot that they were the result of an unplanned pregnancy?

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33 Comments

AD1985 4 years 10 weeks

Both of my children have been "surprises", each conceieved on different forms of birth control. While I wouldn't go into the details ("No, YOU were the broken condom, sweetie, your brother was the missed pill..") I wouldn't lie to my children and tell them they were planned. Of course, them being "surprises" is not to say they weren't welcomed, wanted, and deeply loved, which is already well established to them, and they are far too young to ask any of these questions yet.

lovely2190 4 years 10 weeks

being a surprised baby myself i wouldn't not tell my kids. My parents always call me their "bonus" baby. I always thought i was extra special and I think it was the way my parents told me. they never said that i was a mistake or that i was unplanned, they just used words like surprise and bonus.

GlowingMoon 5 years 1 week

Same here. I was "not planned, but always wanted." I was a big surprise to my Mom, as she was told by her doctor it would be difficult for her to conceive. She thought there was a possibility that she and my Dad would be childless. When she first heard she was pregnant with me, she was delighted. :) Well, she should be. My sister and I are the best damn things that ever happened to my Mom and Dad. Hahahahaa . . . ! Just kidding. Sort of. :)

freedski 5 years 1 week

Ohhh aembry396 that makes me soooo nervous!

SusanTeufel 5 years 1 week

I agree with the "Not planned, but always wanted" response. Babies happen when they happen a lot of the time. My parents told me I wasn't a mistake, I was a gift from God, which I suppose is the nice way of saying "we didn't plan you". I know my parents love me. My Mom found out on her 40th birthday she was going to have me (In November) and in February, I was born. I'm 20 now :3 So my poor parents at 58 had their final child (of 3) graduate high school, lol.

TidalWave 5 years 1 week

I think it's pretty obvious when you are surprise child. Being born so close to the wedding, while your parents are young, etc. You get to a certain age and you start to assume it.

UrbanBohemian 5 years 1 week

Cutting myself off at the second sentence, my dad told me when we were riding in the car to my sister's college graduation. My mom and sister were in the other car.

UrbanBohemian 5 years 1 week

I was an "accident" too. Being born 13 months after my sister, my dad told me. I don't care, being unplanned is one thing, and being unwanted is another. They had me, I'm here, and being in the world I feel like I have crashed a party.

Masqueraded_Angel 5 years 1 week

Eh...whatever. Regardless if they were planned or not, a child is still born and a new life has still begun. So why mention something that could possibly hurt your child's self esteem later on? "Mommy and Daddy didn't REALLY want me..." I have seen a lot of cases where parents have told their children that they were mistakes, accidents, a surprise etc. etc., so for me I link that to a bitter parent that is feeling resentful towards the child for taking away their freedom. Perhaps once I see this type of conversation done in a positive manner, my point of view will change.

aembry396 5 years 1 week

My parents conceived both my brothers on two forms of birth control. They always said, "God wanted us to have you more than anything."

schnappycat 5 years 1 week

My son was planned to the minute, literally, with IVF. LOL. So I'll be explaining all of that to him someday. How Mommy and Daddy were in a different room when he was conceived and how when he was actually put into my uterus, Daddy was in a different city. Heh.

luckyme 5 years 1 week

My daughter was not planned either. If/when she asks, we will be honest with her. She was the best surprise of our lives!

gab6784 5 years 1 week

I'm with KAEB06, my daughter wasn't planned but if/when she asks me I'll tell her that while she wasn't planned for she was always wanted.

j2e1n9 5 years 1 week

Huh? why the hell would you do that? Let them figure it out for themselves when they get older. If they even care.

anniekim 5 years 1 week

p.s. on the topic of self esteem peaking in 1st grade or so--I can totally see that. I don't think it's so bad that it drops later. When kids are this age they see themselves as the center of the universe. As they get older they realize other people have equally valid positions in the world--not necessarily a bad thing. That middle school dip sure is rough patch, though.

anniekim 5 years 1 week

My oldest was not planned, but we weren't working against it either. So, if she asks I'd probably be honest about it. I'd echo Greggie here in telling her that she was so fantastic we wanted another soon. So her younger sister was planned but not any more loved or wanted. Though I don't know that I'll initiate such a discussion.

Advah 5 years 1 week

I always thought there was something terribly more romantic in having/being a 'surprise' child. Now of course telling you're kid s/he's the result of a condom breaking isn't the best way of making it sound romantic - but I just love the idea that, even though you didn't really want a baby at that point, you decided it was something so great you wanted it to change your life. So, jup. :)

JoLee 5 years 1 week

I was the product of a plan on mom's part (at 15) and accident on dad's part (at 20). My son was a surprise from missed pills. A surprise like your favorite gift on Christmas morning. His dad and I "did the right thing" and were divorced when my son was 10 months old. the weird part is that I was conceived in the back of a volkswagon bug; I almost died in my own volkswagon bug at 22. My bio-dad (whom I never knew well) owned a VW parts store until he died at 50; and my son's (he's 8) favorite car is a...you guessed..VW Bug. Talk about nature vs nurture. Honesty is the best policy. If you try to cover up your child's past; it will come back to haunt you. God knows I would never want my son to go through my mom's life or my own; they were hard. However, how can you tell a child you made a mistake and at the same time tell them to never do it. For the record: my mom had me two weeks after she turned 16. I had my son at 28.

kikidawn 5 years 1 week

yeah it is sad that in first grade it starts to plummet. The poor kids. I was the same way as your daughter when I was in fourth grade. I actually went home and cried in my laundry room b/c I got a B in math!! I'll have to look up the name of it for you... I am trying to finish up a paper right now and unfortunately it is not going good for me! And I know if I get up and look for that right now I am going to spend the next hour typing it out to you! lol :) So I'll write up some of the stuff and try to PM it to you within the next few days (after finals are finally over! :dance: ) Sugar (esp lilsugar) is a big distraction for me

lickety split 5 years 1 week

really, first grade? that's kind of sad isn't it? you know i read something that said that's when bullying is at it's peak then too. maybe a little to cocky for their own good sometimes. thanks for sharing that information. my middle daughter will be in 4th grade next year and i've noticed that she's very hard on herself as of late. if she doesn't get the highest grade possible, lead in the play, isn't the fastest swimmer, etc., she's really bothered by it. i have noticed some long faces coming out of her class lately too so i'm thinking she's not the only one. what is that called btw, that self esteem flow chart stuff.

kikidawn 5 years 1 week

"i think kids are so self-centered that they would never assume anything other than they were planned and hoped for. don't they all think they're the greatest kid in the world, lol? who wouldn't want them!? that works for me, i don't think anything else is necessary." lickety split, That is so very true! In my educational psychology class we just went over peer groups, self esteem, etc. The point where a person has the highest self esteem they will ever achieve is when they are in kindergarten and 1st grade. It plummets from there and hits rock bottom in 4th grade. Then climbs and then takes a dip during puberty then climbs and levels out during high school/college/early adulthood. It can get better during adult life, just not that often. You can have high self esteem again, but never as high as when a little kid. The reason for this is exactly what you stated, they are the center of the world. Their parents take care of them, praise them, provide every need and want. Going to school is a shock for them... they are no longer the center of the universe they have other kids to compete with and now they are not always getting praise (think Bs, Cs, and Unsatisfactory grades). They are no longer the best at every possible thing and they aren't yet able to realize being bad at just one thing doesn't mean you are bad at everything. Sorry for the long post! I am just excited about this topic being that I am going to be a teacher :)

lickety split 5 years 1 week

there's a boy in my middle daughter's class that found out he was adopted in 1st grade. he went through a "my real mom doesn't want me" phase and then a "i'm going to run away and find my real mom because she misses me and needs me" phase. my daughter was fascinated by the idea of adoption and couldn't understand how anyone could give up a baby, so anytime he wanted to talk about it she was all ears. it still never came up as to her being planned or not planned. i think kids are so self-centered that they would never assume anything other than they were planned and hoped for. don't they all think they're the greatest kid in the world, lol? who wouldn't want them!? that works for me, i don't think anything else is necessary.

Joelgasm 5 years 1 week

I have no kids, but I think it would be fine to tell them they were a welcome surprise. I mean, as long as you're not like 'you were an accident' then I don't think it would really matter. Cuz an accident makes it sound like they weren't wanted, a surprise can be a very good thing.

Aphrosette 5 years 1 week

my sisters and sister in law were both accidents and as we have grown older it has become a source of animosity between siblings (myself included) so if we do have an accident I really don't think I'd tell them. Rather I wouldn't tell the other children. They can know and then it is up to them if the news is shared or not.

uptown_girl 5 years 1 week

Awww, Damnityell, that's so sweet!

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