Does More Alone Time With Tots Make For a Better Mother?

September 7, 2009

Work schedules and custody agreements aside, there are moms who cart their children everywhere, believing that time together is the best gift. And there are women who can't cope with their kiddos themselves, so they enlist the help of relatives or hire nannies to tend to their tots. The goal of most mothers is to raise happy, well-adjusted offspring. Does the amount of alone time a mother spends with her youngsters affect your opinion of her?

Flickr User davidterrazas

28 Comments

2 years 41 weeks

Stay at home, but know you are limiting your work options. If you have to go back, you will have a gap in your resume, and may find it hard to replace the income you once made. Staying home with small children is priceless, but remember, there is always a trade off! If you stay at home, keep your expenses down in case your husband looses his job!!

3 years 36 weeks

You can spend 24/7 with your kids but if it isn't quality time its not good. You might be there physically but your mind can be a million miles away and that's not good at all.Children can tell when parents are not paying attention and it frustrates them.Just because they're little they can be very aware and feelings get hurt. It's also good for a parent to be away from the child...when you are with them you really appreciate them so much more.

3 years 37 weeks

I worked after having my first child, now I'm at home after having my second. For all the moms out there who can juggle work and home duties, good for you, that's amazing. I myself couldn't. Working, cleaning, cooking, spending "quality" time with my child, and still harboring guilt that I wasn't spending enough time with my son was more than I could handle, plus at $1000+ per month for daycare/nannies, I wasn't making enough money to really justify the extra workload. We live a little more simply now, but our family life is more relaxed and happier. Not judging anyone, that's just my family's experience. Although I do wonder what the results of this poll would say if it was directed at kids??

bchicgrl 3 years 37 weeks

I think it depends on the mom, a lot of my friends work full time and raise kids who are extremely happy then I have a few (one extra in particular) that are home all the time with their kids and they are the most unhappy people you would ever meet.

Akpril 3 years 37 weeks

And I don't mean that Lauren is like my sister-in-law. She's probably a fine person. Actually, the sister-in-law is a fairly good person, too.

Akpril 3 years 37 weeks

I don't think it's right to go on the attack when something someone says "could be inferred" to be offensive. At that rate all anyone would do is yell at each other. But I get what you're saying. I have this sister-in-law who makes little remarks all the time, just those tiny dig whenever she can get them in, and it makes me really defensive. I've had this summer where things are tight, and my husband is gone a lot, and I feel like I'm not doing anything in my life very well. I feel so completely overwhelmed. And this sister-in-law... She makes me feel even worse. The crazy part is that I am a really good mom, I'm a good wife, and a good person. I assume that almost every woman on LilSugar is a pretty good mom; I mean, we all take time out of our day to see and learn and talk about our kids. I don't know, maybe that's not how you feel and I loading all my issues on you. Maybe you're pissed about something else. There are like 30 different fights in your post! And PS, our kid's should have a formula party.

3 years 37 weeks

When LaurenG said that she saw nothing wrong with going back to work once the kids were in school, it could be inferred that she DID see something wrong with working while they are NOT in school. This is the very core of a contentious argument, no? So do not be surprised when others take this as an attack on their ability to raise their children. Also, by saying it is a mother's responsibility to be at home with the baby, she was dissing all the wonderful fathers that stay at home. And breastfeeding, do not get me started. In sum, what part of her comment wasn't completely loaded and likely to trigger this type of response? Anyway, I have to get back to being a terrible mother that relies on her husband, has a nanny, works a 40 hour week (which I adjusted so I work 6:30 am to 3:00 pm, but who is counting), and *gasp* bottle feeds her baby *double gasp* formula. Oh and PS to all those lovely women who have so much to say before actually becoming a mother: shut it. Get some experience and then bash me.

MissSushi 3 years 37 weeks

Lauren didn't go on the attack, that's the point. She stated her reasoning, and even after being attacked, she still stated her explanation on why she feels that way and left it at that.. you on the other hand are hurling around things like close minded and compassionless because she didnt answer the question the same as you.

3 years 37 weeks

"And 15- I don't see how having a different opinion means she is not compassionate." Because she's not practicing compassion, it is her way and that's it. I don't buy for a second that with that little respect for the mother, it isn't somehow visible to the children even if she's not outright badmouthing her. Your point that mothers don't always know best is exactly what I've been saying - LaurenG is pointing fingers rather than just saying her way is best for her but not for everyone. Why is it ok for Lauren to go on the attack but not ok to respond in kind?

kmckay 3 years 37 weeks

Wow- I've noticed a lot of people getting quick on the name calling and insults lately on various posts. Just because it's 'anonymous' internet comments doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt as much as it would in person. This type of forum is for opinions. Lauren was stating hers and got attacked for it.

Akpril 3 years 37 weeks

I think staying home while the kids are small is a great idea. I'm more concerned about being at home with my kids than my resume. And while it's not ideal to a boss, it's not like I'll have spent 6 years hanging out or living in my parents' basement. Runningesq (I assume you are a working mom?), if you and I were to go up for the same job position- you'd probably get it, and I'm okay with that. If I have the financial opportunity to stay home, I'm going to take it. And 15- I don't see how having a different opinion means she is not compassionate. It's not like she bad mouth's their mother or berates her for her choice, she simply feels it's not the best. We don't all have to agree. I'm tired of hearing people say "close minded" instead "doesn't agree with me." And let's face it, mother's don't always know best. We can all think of clueless mom examples.

3 years 37 weeks

And I am stating my opinion about her opinion. I don't think working defeats the purpose of having children. Few people say Dad doesn't raise the kids even though he has a full time job. Lauren has a right to state her opinion. I have a right to think her opinion is closeminded, lacking in compassion, and hypocritical.

MissSushi 3 years 37 weeks

I don't really agree with Lauren, but i can understand the mind frame. If you're going to have kids, why drop them off in a daycare for 9 hours a day to go to work or leave them with a nanny. To the employees its a job, not their children, and they wont ever care as much as you do. Doesn't that defeat the purpose of "raising" a baby? I think it's a bit harsh to be attacking her, though.. this is supposed to be about opinions and she stated hers.

3 years 37 weeks

You know who I feel worst for in LaurenG's scenario? The children who have a mother who knows what's best for her and her children, but a nanny who looks down on her for it. Talk about being stuck in the middle. You're preaching compassion while not showing any of your own, that's a great thing to have taught those children.

3 years 37 weeks

You said that someone else sparking imagination and teaching lessons is raising the child. School sparks imagination and teaches lessons. What's "ridiculous" is the leap that only your way of thinking benefits children. I think yours is a terribly close-minded stand, and I hope that when your baby is born, people judge you much less than you judge them.

runningesq 3 years 37 weeks

Lauren, that's pretty pompus of you to say that you "see nothing wrong with a mother going back to work when the child goes back to school." Thank you for making that decision on behalf of all mothers. Don't push your sanctimonius beliefs on the rest of us. I find it amusing when women say "oh, I'm going to stay home until my kid is school age, then go back to work." That's a 6 year gap on your resume. There are likely going to applicants who have more experience and more current training. My mother went back to work when I was a few months old and I am a well-educated, well-adjusted adult with a strong relationship with both of my parents.

LaurenG22 3 years 37 weeks

My comment was from the perspective of a nanny who lived with a family of children ages 1, 5, and 9. I thought it was commendable that the mother was working for the older children who were at school most of the day, but not the small baby. That baby needs it's mother. I have no kids at the moment, but I have one on the way. I honestly believe that it's important for small babies and young children to have their mother's around them breastfeeding, holding, cuddling, playing and teaching compassion. I see nothing wrong with a mother going back to work when the child goes back to school. And no my comment does not imply that homeschooling is better. That is a ridiculous leap to make.

3 years 37 weeks

There are some people who have kids and rarely spend any time with them and those can be working moms or sahms. My sister-in-law works 4 days a week, but sends the kids to daycare 5 days so she can have a cleaning/errand running day. On Saturdays her mother watches the twins so she can work out and get her pre-pregnancy body back and spend some time with friends and her husband. All in all, I'd estimate that she spends about 2 hours a day during the week with her babies and only one full day with them on the weekends. I find it very sad for the kids and yes, it does affect my opinion of her.

Akpril 3 years 37 weeks

Actually, the question was just about time- does it make a difference of not. And Lauren has a valid point. Nannies don't love the children as the mother's do. I nannied for my nieces and the bond I felt with them was very strong, but I don't think I loved them as much as a mother would. The bond is different. What I hate is that this becomes a defensive conversation between working moms and stay at home moms. Obvisously, most of us do what we do because we have chosen what we think is the best option. There are amazing mothers who stay at home and amazing mothers who work.

FrankiLee 3 years 37 weeks

I whole-heartedly agree with MissSushi. I am only working part-time, but I don't spend every waking hour that I'm not at work with my daughter. They need some time on their own to grow, to figure things out themselves, to learn how to entertain themselves and use their imagination. I take the time during the day to read with her, sing, play, have some educational time and just some cuddle time, but like MissSushi said, there are things that need to be done around the house and there's nothing wrong with them learning how to play on their own for a while while you do these things. Even reading a book while your child is playing is a good thing -- you get to relax for a bit, they see that you're reading, and therefore you've become a good example for your child. The quantity of the time you spend with your child means nothing, it's the quality.

3 years 37 weeks

By LaurenG22's logic, mothers who homeschool are also the better mothers, since if we send our kids to school, someone else is raising them, sparking their imaginations, teaching the lessons, etc.

MissSushi 3 years 37 weeks

Kids do not need to have every second of their time managed and full of your attention. I chose to be a stay at home mother despite the major major financial sacrifice because I wanted to be able to be home with her more then I would while working. This DOESN'T make me a "better" mom. It just makes it my choice. I also choose to let the laundry pile up in basket after basket to spend as much time with her as I can while she's little and needs my time. That being said, she plays independent for several hours because there are other chores and responsibilities, kitchen and cooking duties, bills to be paid, and becuase its very healthy for them to amuse themselves. There is no reason that once they are old enough, they shouldn't have alone time where they play with their toys and books and learn to entertain themselves. Quantity has no bearing unless you're ignoring your kids to watch tv or go out after work on a regular basis.

runningesq 3 years 37 weeks

I really wish more people would read The Feminine Mistake: Are We Giving Up Too Much? there is a study cited in there that suggests that working mothers spend JUST AS MUCH "quality time" with their children as SAHMs.

3 years 37 weeks

"I think time does matter, but it's also the quality of the time. It has nothing to do with judging other people or stay at home mom's being better." But the question IS quantity of time, therefor it is judging which one is better. And I guess Lauren pretty much spells how why it's unfortunately not a silly question, people really do think working moms aren't raising their own kids. It must be nice to live in that bubble.

LaurenG22 3 years 37 weeks

I think that mothers who spend more time with their children are usually better mothers if not only for the fact that they are the one's raising the child, instilling the values, teaching the lessons, playing the games and sparking their imaginations. If you pay someone to do it, they will never do it as well as you would do it yourself.

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