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Do Paternal Grandparents Take a Backseat to Maternal Ones?

Do Paternal Grandparents Take a Backseat to Maternal Ones?

by 31

One grandmother I know got right to the point saying she loved her grandson more than her son and daughter . . . combined!

Many new mamas have that irreplaceable natural bond with their own mom, making the maternal grandma the go-to for advice and assistance. A recent article by author Barbara Graham questioned whether paternal grandparents play second fiddle to maternal ones. Mothers and fathers have no issue calling their daughters to ask about their grandbabies, but paternal grandparents have to go through their sons or daughters-in-law for information.

Do you find this to be true?

Source

Family TiesGrandparentsTell Mommy

31 Comments

Macnell you mentioned that your eldest is afraid of your father-in-law, are you referring to the eldest daughter or sister sometimes children are afraid or scared for no reason or it may be a perception since they get along better with another person. What your mother-in-law did was not courteous and relationships already in place may be still, that is you can't blame a lack of relationship if there is no chance to develop one.
Oh, wow.... Jimpolandy. "I was closer to my maternal grandmother and I think that my family is closer to my parents. I think it is kind of natural that a daughter relates to her mother after she has children." SO? Just like it natural for you to relate to your mother, don't you think would be just as natural for your hubby to relate to HIS parents after he becomes a parent, too? So, why should YOUR mother have more time with your kids? Is it that your relationship with your parents should be stronger or more important than your husband's relationship with his parents? "I am also the schedule maker in my house and I'm usually planning holidays, etc. with my family first. My husband's family just isn't as close as mine." As close TO YOU as yours. I'm sure they are just as close to your husband as yours are to you. I just don't see why your husband's parents should play second fiddle to yours just because they aren't that close to you as your own parents are. I am shocked that your husband doesn't see anything wrong with this set-up... he needs to grow a pair and ensure that his family is just as involved as your own are.
In my case this is very true. I have a very jealous MIL which I find is very hard to deal with. I really don't call her much she comes up to visit almost every weekend unannounced she does a lot of things that makes our realationship the way it is. My parents are there for my child and every since she was born she has always connected with them better. She cried everytime MIL held her when she a newborn and even some now. MIL is just to aggresive and does not really know much about babies but yet she wants to keep ours in lives 2 1/2 hours away and expect us to visit often my parents live up the road which is mainly why we visit them more.
In my case this is very true. My son's paternal grandparents live very close and only want us to take my son to them. This on top of bast grievances has led to them basically being in timeout. CG: They are the same way. They are also super religious and i can see her taking my son to get dedicated in her church without me.. She's that crazy. She's pushy and overbearing and she assues she's the matriarch of my family. My mom also has better morals. I know that she will follow any rules I set out. My mil will not, since she's raised 5 kids.
macneil macneil
"why it's wrong that the maternal grandparents go to their daughter for info, but the paternal grandparents "have to" go through their son? I mean, what's the difference?"Agree with this and every word of your comment.
macneil macneil
"why it's wrong that the maternal grandparents go to their daughter for info, but the paternal grandparents "have to" go through their son? I mean, what's the difference?" Agree with this and every word of your comment.
Pencils Pencils
My MiL died right after we became engaged, so she never knew our daughter. If she had lived, I would have done my best to give her time with the baby--I know my MiL would have adored her. My mom watches my daughter while we work, so of course she and my dad have a great relationship with her.
OK I don't understand why it's wrong that the maternal grandparents go to their daughter for info, but the paternal grandparents "have to" go through their son? I mean, what's the difference? I think if the paternal grandparents feel out-of-the-loop, it is no-one's fault but the father's. He should be just as involved in the child's life as the mother. I am always planning times when my daughter can see my parents. Its my husband's fault that he doesn't do the same with his parents. I invited MY parents to her daycare's Xmas program, but HE didn't invite HIS ("forgot" , "spaced it off" whatever...). I shouldn't have to go to his parents for him and do all the work.
I just had twins which were the first grandchildren to both the maternal grandparents and paternal grandparents. They are also the first children to me and my husband...and the first niece and nephew to all our brothers and sisters. I am much closer to my mom therefore if I need anything I call her and since she has more money and time to spare, she can come and help me with a moment's notice. I don't mind telling their paternal grandmother anything but I feel like it's my job to tell my parents and siblings everything or ask for help from them and it's my husband's job to ask his mom and sister.
Macneil, I couldnt agree with you more! My mil has been so overbearing since my husband and I got married. She has crossed every imaginable line there is! Never once has she called to see how our daughter is doing or if she can see her, but makes us feel guilty about how little she does see her when we spend time with them. I am now pregnant with our second child and she has never once asked how my pregnancy is going. However, she feels it is her place to plan our baby shower without any consultation with us first! My husband and I have a much closer relationship with my family than his, so, it has only been natural that our children do as well.
macneil macneil
In my case, yes. But look, that article made me wince. Why was the woman hanging around her daughter in law and her mother when they were caring for the newborn? If her mum was there, she didn't need her mother in law. And for new mothers, it's not about help with the baby, it's about help with themselves, and a lot of mother in laws don't realise that. My mother in law came to stay for a week after my c-section and let me cook for her every night, did not do any cleaning or shopping, or even tidy the kitchen after I'd cooked. She sees me only as someone who has her son's babies. I know not all mothers in law are like that, but they are naturally more interested in the grandchildren than the mothers of those children. And although I feel bad that my m-i-l doesn't see as much of my children as my mother does, it is not straightforwardly about the grandchildren, or fairness of access to them. Really, I think no one has a right to see their grandchildren, and I will be heartbroken if I can't get to see mine as much as I want, but I still think it's the case. I had a relationship with my mother that predated the children and that relationship is the same now, I see her all the time. My husband had a relationship with his mother that predated the children, where he hardly ever saw her. We see her more now, but you can't suddenly make a relationship of incredible closeness where there wasn't one just because she wants the children. My mother in law wants time alone with my children all the time, but my eldest is scared of my father in law. Why would I leave her with someone who terrifies her? I know it's unfair and bad, but it's not about favouring one parent, it's about the relationships that are already in place.
macneil macneil
In my case, yes. But look, that article made me wince. Why was the woman hanging around her daughter in law and her mother when they were caring for the newborn? If her mum was there, she didn't need her mother in law. And for new mothers, it's not about help with the baby, it's about help with themselves, and a lot of mother in laws don't realise that. My mother in law came to stay for a week after my c-section and let me cook for her every night, did not do any cleaning or shopping, or even tidy the kitchen after I'd cooked. She sees me only as someone who has her son's babies. I know not all mothers in law are like that, but they are naturally more interested in the grandchildren than the mothers of those children. And although I feel bad that my m-i-l doesn't see as much of my children as my mother does, it is not straightforwardly about the grandchildren, or fairness of access to them. Really, I think no one has a right to see their grandchildren, and I will be heartbroken if I can't get to see mine as much as I want, but I still think it's the case. I had a relationship with my mother that predated the children and that relationship is the same now, I see her all the time. My husband had a relationship with his mother that predated the children, where he hardly ever saw her. We see her more now, but you can't suddenly make a relationship of incredible closeness where there wasn't one just because she wants the children. My mother in law wants time alone with my children all the time, but my eldest is scared of my father in law. Why would I leave her with someone who terrifies her? I know it's unfair and bad, but it's not about favouring one parent, it's about the relationships that are already in place.
jessyz jessyz
That is so true, my mother and I are close, so she's closer to my daughter than my in-laws. My in-laws never call me anyways.
lickety split lickety split
my in-laws are not a resource in any way.
jellybean29 jellybean29
This is so true on my part. My parents and I are so close, I go to them with almost everything. I try to include my in-laws in as much as possible but at the end of the day when life throws something crazy up I go to my parents.
sciencegeek sciencegeek
I call my maternal grandparents by their first name,not Nanny and Grandan as I do my paternal. My maternal never took care of me and my sister and during both our lives they were absent, only seen at christmas sometimes. Birthday cards were never to granddaughter's but were generic. I have always found this disappointing as my mother would speak on the phone to her mother every weekend, but fra would never wish to speak to either me nor my sister. I have recently had a baby, and although his father is not involved (we are both very young and he has a different girlfriend that he hasn't told about his son) his parents in particular, his father, ring me most weekends to find about how is grandson is, and how he's developing, i send emails including photos etc. every weekend. Although i am extremely upset by my ex i am touched at his parents involvement. However has he grows up I'd imagine it will be difficult for my baby to maintain a relationship with his paternal grandparents and it'll be my own mother and father who become Nana and Grampa
sciencegeek sciencegeek
I call my maternal grandparents by their first name,not Nanny and Grandan as I do my paternal. My maternal never took care of me and my sister and during both our lives they were absent, only seen at christmas sometimes. Birthday cards were never to granddaughter's but were generic. I have always found this disappointing as my mother would speak on the phone to her mother every weekend, but fra would never wish to speak to either me nor my sister. I have recently had a baby, and although his father is not involved (we are both very young and he has a different girlfriend that he hasn't told about his son) his parents in particular, his father, ring me most weekends to find about how is grandson is, and how he's developing, i send emails including photos etc. every weekend. Although i am extremely upset by my ex i am touched at his parents involvement. However has he grows up I'd imagine it will be difficult for my baby to maintain a relationship with his paternal grandparents and it'll be my own mother and father who become Nana and Grampa
sofi sofi
My mom is definitely more involved than than my in-laws. The in-laws and I completely get along and speak to the kids often (since we are long distance), but because I speak to my mother basically everyday and she can visit more, she interacts with them the most. Hey, I wouldn't mind having grandparents around more often, but they don't make that big of an effort to come out and we just can't travel all the time.
jimpolandy jimpolandy
I was closer to my maternal grandmother and I think that my family is closer to my parents. I think it is kind of natural that a daughter relates to her mother after she has children. I am also the schedule maker in my house and I'm usually planning holidays, etc. with my family first. My husband's family just isn't as close as mine.
meandtheo meandtheo
my MIL is awesome...she was born to be a mom and now that that period is over she is officially gammy, that is her full time job. unfortunately for me it is my nieces and nephews that get the lions share of her time because we live in different states...that said when my daughter is with my MIL i know she is good hands, having the time of her life all while getting health snacks and doing something she loves. I am truly blessed to have such a great MIL...i am due with my second in early september and she has already lined up a temporary rental down the street so she can help out when he arrives!
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl
well mine think Harry Potter is satanic and they disagree with so many other things that are important to me. They have all but emasculated their own sons and robbed their kids of any sort of tools to make it in the real world. I wont allow that to happen to my wee one. I wouldnt even trust them to babysit, or to let my child stay the night.
I feel my mother has better moral's and guideline's for raising children than my fiance's mother. My fiance's mother let daughter's children (my fiance's nephews) eat ice cream for breakfast which I totally disagree with. There is no way I'm letting my kids do whatever they want at grandma's when I am not around. My kids eat a real breakfast and I know my own mother will stick to that. Plus my parents live 3 miles away while my fiance's mother is an hour away. thank god.
Kimpossible Kimpossible
LOL CG oh I never said I "liked" having my mother in law be so involved... we've had to do quite a bit of damage control over the years. But she is definitely more involved and engaged in the children than my parents.
CaterpillarGirl CaterpillarGirl
THis will be true in my case. the less my MIL and FIL have influence the better.
Smacks83 Smacks83
I love all my grandparents, all for different reasons. My paternal grandma died when I was six so I don't remember tto much about her.I have been wondering about this for my own child (well, someday) because I don't get along with my bf's mother at all and I doubt I would be asking her advice on anything (she has always treated my bf more like a friend than a son, like taking him to r-rated movies when he was like four!)
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