Announcing Pregnancy to Family

Lil Community: Do I Have a Right to Be Mad About Sister-in-Law's Pregnancy?

December 16, 2010

Managing family issues can be a jugging act! This question was submitted by ck8103 in the Ask Anything box.

My sister-in-law got pregnant after she knew we had been trying. She just had a baby too. I'm a little mad. Should I be?

Motherhood can be a mind boggler. Before driving yourself crazy looking for answers, head over to the LilSugar Community and type your inquiry away in our Ask the Community Anything box.

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19 Comments

U2forlife 2 years 22 weeks

I don't want to be the insensitive one here, but I happen to be the one who is pregnant now at the same time as a friend who has struggled greatly with infertility - my best friend, in fact. She went through IVF to conceive her second and I had no intention of being pregnant with my second, but things happened and we are now just a few weeks apart in our due dates. I was terrified to tell her. In her defense, she was great about it, but I knew it upset her. I want to understand that, but I also can't truly empathize because my being pregnant had ZERO to do with her being pregnant. I did not plan it to take away from her spotlight. In fact, I didn't plan it at all as my husband and I wanted to wait another year. And, feeling so afraid to tell her took away from my own joy and excitement and even fear, that I wanted to share with my best friend. The one thing she said to me that I "got" and which has made me understand her a little better, is that it would always hurt that some people, especially those close to her, could get pregnant without trying when they had to go through so much. I do get that. And, as I said, she has been wonderful about the surprise pregnancy. So, I understand that you're hurt and disappointed, but coming from someone who is in your SIL's shoes, it's definitely not fair to be angry with her or think she is somehow stepping into your territory by being pregnant when you wish you were. Unless she has other attention seeking issues, I can promise you she did not plan anything to take away from you. And, unless it was a surprise like mine, she has probably been trying to conceive for a while but was not vocal about it like you seem to be. So, of course, feel everything you're feeling, but just know deep down that previous posters are correct and that it's most likely jealousy and envy versus anger. And, if it truly is anger, try to work through it because holding on to it will only alienate her and hurt/destroy any relationship you have.

lickety split 2 years 22 weeks

What a bitch! How dare she have a baby when you want one. You should make her give you one of hers. Babies are small, so maybe you should take both. Unbelievable the nerve of some people.

googoogirl2 2 years 22 weeks

as someone who is a sister in law and who got pregnant when my sil was also trying I understand her perspective. I also understand your pain. My husband and I had also stuggled with infertility (two miscarriages, one of which I lost the week after my wedding). We had never told anyone till my sil started verbally attacking us because of our pregnancy. The jealousy ripped apart the entire family. I hope you can talk to her about how you feel but be happy with having a life added to your family. Having a baby is great but seeing my husbandls face when someone talks about his brother is devastating. It is worse than death because he refuses to have any contact with us either because of my sil.

LittleMzFit 2 years 22 weeks

No.

2 years 22 weeks

Should? No... But you are. So maybe talk to a counselor about how to deal with fertility jealousy and let go of the resentment. It would be good to have support if you're struggling to conceive regardless. Good luck.

MissSushi 2 years 22 weeks

Feelings don't have to be logical or rational or reasonable. They're emotional reactions. It doesn't say you're taking it out on her or doing anything but coping with your own stuation, so I don't think its fair to judge or lecture in this situation. You will feel however you feel and its up to you how you deal with those feelings.

2 years 22 weeks

You have a right to feel hurt, hell, you have a right to feel whatever you want, but I agree with the previous poster, it all depends on what you do with those feelings. You can't expect your SIL to stop her life because there are infertility problems within the family. But it is rather selfish of you to be "mad" at someone who cannot control how your body is working. I'm facing this same issue, my BFF has been trying for 1year+, I have already had one child, and am now pregnant again, I do feel awful that they are struggling, but that is out of my control, and truthfully, out of her own, so its not something we can dwell on, just celebrate in other people's happiness. I am there for her when she needs me and help her remain optimistic about her situation and praying it works out eventually. Not much else the other party can do, you know?

amber512 2 years 22 weeks

Everyone has a right to their feelings, it's what you do about those feelings that makes the difference.

Girl Jen 2 years 22 weeks

You have every right to be mad. You are allowed to feel whatever you feel, whenever it happens. And hey, even if you weren't allowed, those feelings would surface anyway. I didn't see anything about you taking anger out on her or acting out. If you are doing that, or if you're really having trouble coping as opposed to just being mad, some third-party help would be a good idea. But if you're privately feeling mad because someone very easily got two of what you've been struggling for one of, I'd say that's totally reasonable! I wish you the best of luck, both on your journey to becoming a mom, and with your holiday season.

phatE 2 years 22 weeks

hurt, mad, sad, etc- feeling are feelings - however directing all of it towards her really is missing the point. infertility is hard, but it's your trial to walk through - we all have something at some point in life.. deal with the emotions of it, but don't blame or resent people for moving on with their lives..that will only hurt you.

RoaringSilence 2 years 22 weeks

What on earth? That is the most ridiculously selfish thing I've ever heard.

Deidre 2 years 22 weeks

Of course you shouldn't be mad. Other families can't be expected to revolve around your own attempts at having children. If fertility issues have been going on with you, then hurt feelings may be understood (like previous posters said). But come on -- no one is going to get pregnant in attempt to hurt you or "steal your thunder" since you've been trying. Besides, if she just had a baby, your sister-in-law's new pregnancy might not be a planned one. Maybe she's dealing with some anxieties of her own.

snarkypants 2 years 22 weeks

NO.

2 years 22 weeks

I think you have every right to feel hurt and dissappointed, and maybe a little angry so long as that's kept to yourself and you move on from it quickly. I've felt that way and don't have fertility issues, but have had several friends and family get pregnant at the same time as us and it's frusterating when they all knew exactly what our intentions were before we got pregnant with any of our babies. I'm mostly frusterated and hurt for my children who didn't/don't get as special of a birthday because they're always expected to share it with a cousin/friend just because it's close to the same date. We have a lot of emphasis on birthday's in our house because to us they are the most important of day. It's the day someone very special was born and helped to make our family what it is today-something very special to us! What really bothers me the most is those that knew our plans and then complained that we were pregnant at the same time as them and then after the babies were born they complained that they had it so hard because their kids were only 2 years apart and how nice it must be for us that ours were 3 years apart! We planned that for a reason.....

BellaH68 2 years 22 weeks

Sad for your own situation, sure. Mad at SIL, no.

reanerbean 2 years 22 weeks

Going through infertility myself, I can understand how others' fertility can drive someone bonkers. That being said, I wonder if you're experiencing jealousy and mislabeling it as anger. I'm in a bit of a similar situation. I thought I was mad, but then my counselor pointed out that it was jealousy. It took me aback, but it was true. I think that jealousy is combined with frustration and grief about how life didn't work out the way I had hoped/planned. And while I think to ask why the poster can't be happy for her SIL may be fair and reasonable, she may be going through a completely unreasonable time right now and has to deal with a lot of emotions before being happy for someone else can happen. Her SIL most definitely should not have to modify her family planning, though.

2 years 22 weeks

I don't have a sister in law, but my best friend got pregnant twice when I was still trying for one more baby, and yeah, it hurt, was I mad? Maybe on a sub-consious level, though consiously, I understand that my life is not hers, and God isn't punishing me as a person, just because she was pregnant and I still was not. It's a hurtful situation, where emotions rise high, and you should be allowed to feel those emotions inside of your heart, but to not portray them on the outside. That is clearly unfair to do. xoxo Shelly http://www.twinpossible.com

2 years 22 weeks

Why can't you be happy for your sister-in-law? I know that struggling with fertility issues is difficult, especially if you are taking hormones, but that's no reason to be angry with your SIL at this happy time of her life.

katiekat 2 years 22 weeks

hurt, yes. mad, no. As hard as fertility can be, your SIL shouldn't have to delay her happiness for your benefit.

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