Mommy Dearest,
Yesterday, my 4-year-old darted into the street after I warned her against doing so several times. No cars were coming, so she wasn't hurt, but I knew she deserved a consequence for her disobedience and put her in timeout for four minutes. When I recounted the story to my mother, she was aghast and said her granddaughter deserved a spanking so she wouldn't dare do such a dangerous thing again. I told my mom I don't agree with the punishments that she firmly believes in, like spanking and washing mouths out with soap. She took offense and told me good luck with my method and not to call her again when my daughter continues to misbehave. Do you think there are varying degrees of infractions and do some warrant more tough disciplinary action?
– Discipline Dilemma Mama
To see the response from Mommy Dearest, read more.
Discipline Dilemma Mama,
Some parenting philosophies are generational, and that might be what you experienced with your mother. While spanking, washing a mouth out with soap, and other punishments might have been the norm years ago, noncorporal discipline methods have become common. According to the American Academy of Pediatrics:
Corporal punishment is of limited effectiveness and has potentially deleterious side effects. The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends that parents be encouraged and assisted in the development of methods other than spanking for managing undesired behavior.
You should raise your child the way you see fit and your mother should respect your decisions regardless of whether she agrees with them.
—Mommy Dearest
Submit a question for this feature at the Mommy Dearest Group on TeamSugar.
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Ditto Mommy Dearest!
1it's up to you, lady
2discipline as you see fit
you did discipline in your own way and didn't let your child off too easy, so don't worry about it
I think that different things deserve different punishments. If your child does something like reaching for a stove burner or a hot kettle or darting into the street, this deserves a stronger punishment than gettign mad and throwing a toy. It's up to you how you see fit to discipline, but I myself wouldn't think twice about a swat on the bottom for running into the road.
3I agree that your mom should respect the methods you use to discipline, but you also should acknowledge that from the sounds of it, your mom's methods successfully raised you and your siblings.
I do believe some behaviors demand a different-more stern- level of discipline, but you have to do what works for you. If your daughter darts into the street again, you'll know timeout didn't work.
Perhaps you can let your mom know that you don't feel comfortable using corporal punishment as a first resort, but you appreciate knowing you can go to her for advice on its application should the timeouts fail to get her attention.
You're the parent, true, but your mom's been a parent a really long time too, and creating a rift based on your differences isn't really a great maternal role model to go setting, now is it?
4"....(Y)our mother should respect your decisions regardless of whether she agrees with them."
HA!
Apparently the writer of this column has no mother nor mother-in-law. My mom has let it be known since day one that every time I've gone against her will, it's the wrong decision. I'm 33 years old now with a daughter and I still know she doesn't trust one single decision I make. Like she told me when I was small - "I'm older than you. I will ALWAYS know better than you!" I'd say the grandma's sarcastic tone in this letter shows that she has about as much faith in her daughter as my mom has in me. How about a real answer to this problem, rather than a rose-colored glasses version of the world where grown children are respected and treated like adults by their elders?
5I think you were both out of line. Rather than say you don't agree with her methods, which to a lot of moms essentially means "You raised us wrong" and can be very hurtful, I would've said "I'm trying different methods, but I appreciate your input."
Or don't tell her stories about your children misbehaving. When you call, discuss positive things.
6The other Anonymous - number 6 response - now THAT is a good answer! Thank you (from number 5 response, the other Anonymous!) You should've answered this column!
7You need to be firm about how you have decided to parent. Saying something like "I'm trying different methods, but I appreciate your input." is diplomatic, but she'll probably keep interjecting her opinions about spanking (or whatever), and eventually you have to put your foot down. What seems to work between my mom and me is saying "(My husband) and I have decided to do things this way." It shows that I'm not the only person making decisions and reminds her that I am an adult with my own family now.
8Of course she'll probably keep interjecting her opinions. If the poster keeps calling to explain ways her children misbehaved, a mother gives input. I don't see what's wrong with that. If you don't want her input, don't tell her those stories.
Her acting like a 2-year-old in response isn't great either, which is why I think both handled it badly.
9I agree with the grandmother. "Time out" rarely works. A quick, but effective spanking will prevent further disobedience and it doesn't even hurt the child. Just the thought of a spanking was enough to keep us out of trouble when we were little!
10The punishments the grandmother believes in are only appropriate in extreme situations. They result more in humilitation of the child than any actual discipline.
11It is the mother's choice in how to punish her child. Why a daughter can not call her mother to vent over a stressful situation without getting insulted over her parenting methods simply because they aren't the ones used on her and her siblings, I don't understand.
My self and my younger brother were spanked as children and thank them for it and when i have kids i will spank them whenever they dont behave
12Child buttock-battering vs. DISCIPLINE:
Child buttock-battering for the purpose of gaining compliance is nothing more than an inherited bad habit.
Its a good idea for people to take a look at what they are doing and learn how to DISCIPLINE instead of hit.
I think the reason why television shows like "Supernanny" and "Dr. Phil" are so popular is because that is precisely what many (not all) people are trying to do.
There are several reasons why child buttock-battering isn't a good idea. Here are some good, quick reads recommended by professionals:
Plain Talk About Spanking
by Jordan Riak,
The Sexual Dangers of Spanking Children
by Tom Johnson,
NO VITAL ORGANS THERE, So They Say
by Lesli Taylor M.D. and Adah Maurer Ph.D.
Most compelling of all reasons to abandon this worst of all bad habits is the fact that buttock-battering can be unintentional sexual abuse for some children. There is an abundance of educational material, testimony, documentation, etc available on the subject that can easily be found by doing a little research on the topic.
Just a handful of those helping to raise awareness of why child buttock-battering isn't a good idea:
American Academy of Pediatrics
American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry
Center For Effective Discipline
PsycHealth Ltd Behavioral Health Professionals
Churches' Network For Non-Violence
Nobel Peace Prize recipient Archbishop Desmond Tutu
Parenting In Jesus' Footsteps
Global Initiative To End All Corporal Punishment of Children
United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child
Countries where child buttock-battering is prohibited by law:
13Sweden, Finland, Norway, Austria, Cyprus, Italy, Denmark, Latvia, Croatia, Bulgaria, Germany, Israel, Iceland, Ukraine, Romania, Hungary, Greece, Netherlands, New Zealand, Portugal, Uruguay, Venezuela, Chile, Spain, Republic of Moldova, and more in process.
In fact, the US was the only UN member that did not ratify the Convention on the Rights of the Child.
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