Mothers can study birth control options, monitor their cycles and try to carefully map out family expansion, but surprise pregnancies still happen.
Though most parents joke about it later, a new study in the journal of Child Development reveals that unexpected babies – both those that weren't planned at all and those that did not occur when their parents expected them – receive "fewer resources than intended siblings," including parental support and learning materials like books and puzzles. The study goes on to say that "Parents’ stress and lack of patience may be directed explicitly toward an unwanted child."
Would an unplanned pregnancy alter your treatment of that offspring?
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Wow, I suppose that can happen in some families, but that hasn't been my experience! 2 out of 3 of my mom's children (me and my sister) were unplanned and I never noticed any difference in how we were treated. Hell, if anything, I think my mom babied us more. Maybe to "prove" that we weren't unwanted? Silly because I never felt unwanted for a minute.
My daughter was a huge surprise and it certainly hasn't always been easy, but I can't imagine loving a planned baby any more. I love that kid like no other, I loved her since the moment I had my first u/s at 6 weeks (to confirm, omgwtf, am I really pg???!)
That makes me sad, that anyone could treat their child differently just because s/he wasn't planned.
1This is funny to me because our first was a complete surprise, and even though we were totally not ready to be parents and go down that road, we embraced it. I was so excited and love my little girl. With baby #2 we planned, though because (I hope anyways) I am having depression with this pregnancy, I really have no attachment. I keep hoping my maternal instincts will kick in and I will embrace this child the same way.
2My first was a complete suprise and I do not feel that I have neglected her in any way. We read books every night, she has flashcards, puzzles, TONS of toys, crayons, music, ect, ect. Not to mention plenty of attention, love and hugs! I want her to grow in every way possible and she has my complete support in everything she wants to try. My second was planned...and I am due in 3 weeks. I will not treat him any differently than I do her. I will give just as many hugs, read just as many books and support him to grow into the person he will be.
3I am a number of weeks away from delivering my "unplanned pregnancy." I thought I was done having kids, I got pregnant during my last year of law school despite diligently using birth control, and I am due the very week of the bar exam. It has been a high risk and complicated pregnancy. Under all of these circumstances, one could easily buy into that study's results.
That being said, this baby has become the joy of our family. A gift to my husband and I that we had no idea we would be getting. A cherished toy for my older kids who had been told for years there would be no more siblings. We are, and will continue to be, light years more solvent financially and timewise than we were when our older kids were young. I'd wager an estimation that this child will have all that our older kids have had, and more.
My husband was also a surprise 11 years after his mother thought she was done, and he was the pride and joy of their entire family.
4If anything, our surprise got more because he was our first. I'd like to see how the study compares to things like whether the "surprise" child stands in sibling line-up and how that compares to planned children who fall in the same place. Such as oldest, youngest, middle.
5Granted I'm just starting in our planned surprise pregnancy ("we pulled the goalie," as he likes to say) I can't imagine not loving this baby and doing everything for him/her.
bluepuppy, I understand the depression though. I'm so sick I just wonder if I can really do this. Good luck. I'm sure that it'll change, but if it doesn't, talk to your doctor. I think I'm going to mention it at my next one.
6Hmmm...I think "surprise baby" and "unwanted child" carry different meanings yet are used interchangeably above...
Anyway, both of our pregnancies have been surprises. The first being a HUGE surprise and the second happening just a few months before we intended. I can't really say if I treat the second one any differently than the first yet because she's dragging her feet on getting here, but I can tell you that we DO NOT slight our first daughter in the least. And frankly, I find it appalling that anyone would do this. How is it the child's fault that you bring them into this world? This is one of those things that I just can't wrap my head around.
7We planned all our children, but they were each surprise pregnancies as they didn't happen exactly when we'd expected. I don't think any can happen exactly when you plan them unless you're using invitro and such. I would say that I"m harder on my 1st than my other 2, but he's also older and I expect I'll be the same with the younger ones as they get older and go through the stages and phases that the oldest already has. I think all our children are treated differently all the time because it all depends on who's needing what at any given time. Sometimes 1 needs more loves and cuddles while another is needing more tough love to learn a lesson. I think it's all part of raising kids. There's never a perfect balance all the time.
8I think this study must be flawed somehow. I had a "surprise" pregnancy last year. My husband and I thought we were done and believed we would only have the one who happens to be 13. All of us were so excited, our little girl was born healthy and couldn't be more loved. I'm doing the same types of things with her that I did with my son. So it would be interesting to see what the study used as a sample, age ranges, backgrounds, other siblings, etc.
9Heck no! My last one, our forth, was not planned at all! I was shocked and even cried about it at first but he has been a complete joy and gets whatever he wants cuz he is the baby! He was just the addition our family needed!
10OMG danni99, good luck with the rest of your pregnancy...i can't imagine not only being pregnant but being due during the bar exam! GOOD LUCK!! i hope everything works out!
11this study shock me....my son was unplanned but his dad and i took it in stride and love him dearly,he doesn't lack for anything,we buy him whatever.
12I completely disagree with this study. First off I was the only surprise of four children and I have never felt any less loved than any of my siblings. Not to mentions I had more than enough 'resources'.
I also had an unexpected baby, and we absolutely adore her. Although I was absolutely not ready to become pregnant, I think she is more a blessing than anything. I don't understand how an 'unwanted child' and 'unexpected pregnancy' are used in the same context. I might not have planned on getting pregnant but I absolutely wanted her! I do not know what is wrong with some people. How can you have an unwanted child??
13i don't agree. My daughter was unexpected. and truthfully she couldn't have come at a better time. I now had a purpose. she gets tons of support, goes to a good school and gets good grades and is very respectful so in return she has no wants unfulfilled. we're planning a second child and will treat him or her the same as our first.
14That's the stupidest crap I've ever heard. These people should be researching more important things in life, like AIDS, and Cancer.
15I don't think so... I have a 15 week old that was a complete surprise and he's been read to every day and loved more than most kids can imagine! If anything I don't know how we will keep up the pace we are setting (resources, hugs, kisses, love and attention) if we have more.
16I think there are a lot of factors that contribute to whether or not the child is treated differently, most important being money and the state of the parents relationship. If a family is struggling financially or the parents are not really together/in the process of breaking up, I would bet the child would be treated differently, because I've seen it many times.
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