You probably mean they exchange "vows", not "vowels"...

the "no kid" choice is fine, it's their wedding. what bothers me is that i'm expected to go to the wedding no matter how high the cost gets. and frankly the baby sitter on top of everything else is too much sometimes. then when we decline the invitation it's seen as a snub.

shower gift $50, wedding gift $100, outfit to wear to wedding $150, baby sitter for 6 hours $120. there's only so much we can spend.

I'm in total agreement BabySugar - when the bride and groom make the choice for me, I feel like a great weight has been lifted. I don't have to spend the evening running after an over-tired child and can enjoy my uninterrupted time with family and friends!

I'm with you lickety split! By the time you add everything up, and don't forget travel costs, it can get to be too much! At least most of the functions we're invited to want our kids as they are also classed as friends to the bride and groom, we don't have to worry about it very often. We also don't spend the entire evening chasing overtired kids around either. It's usually prearranged that one of the older cousins or such is going to be babysitting a group of the kids at someones house and we don't have to pay or we take our kids home early. I'd much rather be able to attend the function and leave early with my kids than not be able to go at all!

I intentionally scheduled my wedding for 7pm thinking no one would bring their children, but a few came anyway. I just don't think it is appropriate to bring your kids to a night wedding. I should have said "no kids."
I was recently at an afternoon wedding where there were a number of children including a ring bearer and flower girl. The flower girl could not stay still and actually pulled her dress over her head during the vows. I felt horrible for the couple.

I agree about not minding unless I'm expected to attend. Especially when the kids were in their first year or so and still needed to nurse regularly, me being gone for hours on end to another city isn't possible. And newborn, no chance. Yet I apparently "offended" people by sending regrets and a gift instead of attending.

I don't think a 7pm wedding is at all inappropriate for a child. However, if an invitation is addressed to my husband and me and not the family, it's inappropriate to bring the children no matter what time the wedding is.

I respect a couple's wishes either way. But in saying that, most of our weddings have been within driving distance and my daughter (then a baby) was invited to the one we flew to Hawaii for...I could not have left her for a week at such a young age and understand what you other moms are saying about babysitters breaking the bank!

This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever read! Aren't weddings supposed to be "family" or "community" gatherings? When did something so joyous and lovely turn into a serious, adult-only, self-obsessed fashion show? Maybe the restriction of "no kids" works relatively OK when you are attending a wedding near home. When you are flying hundreds of miles to attend, who wants to leave their children -- at any age -- with complete strangers?

This is not ridiculous (directed to the post above). Honestly, I was at a wedding in November where the flower girl screamed her head off for 10 minutes. Who WANTS to hear that? Especially not the couple getting married. And when my fiance and I get married, I do not want unruly children running around or screaming. A wedding is a classy affair, not a day care. And yes, it is for family, but family and good friends should understand the couples wishes.

If they couldn't handle the unpredictability of children, they shouldn't have asked to include "a flower girl" in the first place.

I agree that a screaming child or one pulling her dress over her head doesn't automatically equate an awful experience for the bride and groom. We had kids at our wedding, we knew it would be loud and unpredictable, we just didn't care. Our ring bearer ran back and forth to his parents and sat on the stairs to wave and call hello at the guests. It didn't bother us a bit.

Guests who are bothered by kids being there are going to happen just as often as guests who are bothered that their kid aren't invited. It's up to the bride and groom, and it being chaotic doesn't necessarily mean they hated it. There's nothing wrong with no kids. There's nothing wrong with loud kids.

I agree with the Anonymous post above. A wedding is a family event so I want all my family there and I had not even thought about not including children at my wedding, bc it seems so ridiculous that it had never even crossed my mind. When a child screams it will be laughed off and won't make our wedding less perfect. I cannot stand people who are not child friendly and it saddens me that our society has come this far. If some of our friends with children would rather enjoy an evening alone and leave their child at home, no problem.
I am honestly more afraid of drunk adults making fools of themselvesat our wedding...
And by the way my sister in law is due to give birth 1 1/2 month before the wedding and they planning on attending our destination wedding.

i feel like it is anyone's prerogative to have kids or not have kids attend their event. why would someone be offended if i don't want to see their kid at my party? the only gripe i have is that if you cannot attend, please rsvp and let me know. if your child is the reason, so be it. but do not assume that they can come and don't ignore the invite because you can't make it due to your child.

i've had at least 3 instances where i did not want kids at my event and either they came anyway (and ruined my time) or the parents fussed and fought with me about how they wanted to bring them. i think it is so rude to even ask. the basic rule of etiquette is if you read the invite properly, you'll know who is expected or approved to attend. meaning, if it says mr & mrs, then its obvious. if its mr, mrs & family, then kids are cool. don't upset the host by complaining about babysitting or attending costs or not being able to come because of your kids.

nobody expects you to attend a wedding. if you can't afford it, don't go.

"nobody expects you to attend a wedding."

If only that was actually true. Some people get all bitter because you aren't able to attend their destination wedding on Jupiter.

I agree that the best of what a wedding is is about community, relationships and family, and the worst of weddings is about ridiculous expense and keeping of with the Jones'. I am not a parent, and am planning my wedding now. I would never have a no-kids wedding. I'm sort of offended by the idea. But for those who do (especially who exclude infants and toddlers who are still breastfeeding), it's unacceptable to expect that parents "should" come even though you're banning their children. Yes, it's your right to exclude children from your wedding, and some parents may enjoy leaving their children at home, but it's incredibly self-centered to expect that all parents will and should come without their children.

That said, if you are someone who can't stand children and are just going to get annoyed with normal child-like behaviors, then don't dress them up to be cute little props in your wedding. The thing that makes me most mad is people who have a general policy of no children at their wedding, but then use children to dress up their wedding by inviting a couple children to be a cute flower girl and adorable ring bearer. And referring to a post above, the idea that you would have children in these roles and expect them not to be unpredictable, is outrageous. If you don't enjoy the spontaneity of children, don't USE them in your wedding.

And if you're not going to invite them at all, don't get mad at parents who can't come or don't want to come without their children.

We did not invite children to our wedding, with the exception of family members' kids and the 2 kids of 2 friends who were flying across the country for the wedding. For us, the reason was cost. We couldn't afford to pay for dinner for all the children of our guests. A few people were offended but when my mother (who was receiving the RSVPs) explained, people were OK with it. (Except for one woman, who came with her 3 kids in tow even after Mom had explained it to her, which I thought was tacky).

I'm not offended when told that my infant son is not invited. The only thing that bothers me, like others have said, is when the bride and groom are upset that I'm not attending because of that. I am supposed to fly across the country this summer for a wedding and I can't leave my son behind for that long, nor do I feel comfortable getting him a sitter I don't know in a city I don't know. I wish my friend wouldn't be so upset that I don't feel I can attend the wedding.

ok, i just read the comments that posted before mine and i am shocked! why would you expect someone to accommodate you and your family over their preference? why is that an offense? and since when is a wedding for families and communiteis? its for whoever the couple choose...if you don't like it, don't come. but don't have a bad attitude about it because its not what you'd prefer.

i had an all-white wedding. and i had no problem enforcing it. if you didn't already have anything white to wear, or wouldn't go to target and buy $30 outfit, don't come. it's MY event. so i get to have whatever i want. just like if it were your event, i would respect what you asked of me with no qualms. and i do NOT take offense to someone not wanting me to bring my kids. i am a sahm so i enjoy the times when i can get out to adult events and have grown-up interaction, along with a good time without having to feed, take to the bathroom and entertain little ones. weddings (or like events) aren't every day so its really not that big of a deal. you don't have to drag your kids everywhere to prove you're a good parent. you're not abandoning them, it's just a doggone wedding!

growing up I went to only family weddings with my parents. My dad is an elected official and went to lots of things sans his kids. My wedding was kid-free and there was only one person on my husbands side that made a stink about it. we could have cared less whether he came or not.

"nobody expects you to attend a wedding"

This is just patently false. It's very common for people to be offended over RSVPed regrets, especially when you dare to explain that it's because you can't find/afford a sitter or can't leave a breastfeeding newborn with a sitter for the night.

I'm not at all offended when my kids aren't invited. I take date nights away from them, why should I expect that someone else's idea of a romantic event also doesn't include children?

oh, and i meant to add...i've never heard of the "expectancy" rule. of course, if someone invites you somewhere, they'd like for you to come. but if you can't, who would logically get upset? disappointed...yes. but nothing else. i'm totally with MAMASITAMALI...if you can make it, great. if not, quit your whining about why someone chose to have the type of event they wanted that may not fit your time line, budget or family style

ATW, of course there is an expectancy rule. Maybe not for most people invited. But everyone I know had at least a few people, if not a long list of people, who were really important to have at their wedding. If those people hadn't come, they would have been upset, disappointed and with hurt feelings. Maybe you're family and friends are different, but everyone I know has best friends, sisters or other people who they expect to be at their wedding. I just think people have to change those expectations if they are inviting a parent who doesn't want to go to a no-kids wedding.

I plan on saying "no kids" at my wedding. It's the bride's choice and should be respected.

"who would logically get upset?"

It's not about logic. It's a bit of a bridezilla thing. Lots of women (yes, it's mostly women) read so much into who comes to their wedding or whose weddings they get invited to.

This got me wondering...

To the people who have had "no kids" weddings, who is considered a kid? Is a 16 year old OK? A 13 year old?

Wow, some of the responses are appalling. Yes, it is the bride and groom's right to decide who is invited and who isn't. But to say that children would "ruin" a wedding or party is just bizarre. My sister in law recently married and had our 3 yr old twins as flower girls. She was actually HOPING they did something silly (they didn't).
A wedding is (or I guess was) about sharing your love with family and friends...not about making sure everyone was wearing white. It's a sad day when trivial things take presedance over the really important: family and friends.

It is up to the couple getting married to invite children or not. The guests need to respect that decision. You don't have to go if you can't leave the kids at home. Don't make a stink about it, just clarify if a 13 year-old is welcomed, and clarify about infants if you are still breast feeding.

My BFF had a no kids wedding. I was shocked because I never thought she would be a person to want that rule. But that was what her and her husband wanted. People were upset, but as the maid of honor I asked people to keep their opinions to themselves and respect the couple for the evening. There was a casual brunch the next morning where children were welcomed.

Where does this sense of entitlement come from that allows people to think that their children "belong" at a wedding? Weddings are not necessarily "family and friend" events or community events. They are whatever the bride and groom want them to be. If they want kids there, fine. If they don't want kids there, fine.

Where do you people get off telling everybody else how things should be?

We're going to a wedding this summer where our soon-to-be infant will be the one and only child invited. They really wanted it to be kid free (I think) but knew we would have a baby about a month old at the time of their wedding. Being that they are family and the wedding is out of town, it was either invite the baby or we wouldn't be able to go. The bride is actually super excited about the baby being around, and I plan on doing my absolute best to keep the baby as quiet as possible even if it means stepping out for a few minutes here and there. Other than this wedding, I don't think I'd bring our children even if they were invited, it sounds selfish, but it would take away from my fun!!

Unfortunately, many parents use these events as an excuse to take the night off from parenting and let their little monsters run wild. And who wants to worry about an unsupervised tot knocking over the cake or getting stuck to the ice sculpture? Expense isn't just a factor for guests, it's a big factor for the bride and groom. My reception venue will charge me over $100 a plate for kids' meals, that's $100 for chicken fingers and macaroni and cheese!

Also, every wedding that I've been to where a baby was present, the baby did scream during some point of the ceremony. Just lovely.

i had a no-kids wedding and mainly i didn't want little kids there. even tho a 16 y/o isn't going to scream and roll on the floor creating a diversion, i had a very specific guest list which included adults only. again, the invite read specifically to whom was invited, and no one's said "and family." i did not even have a flower girl or ring barer.

@ summer sweet pea...actually my best friend could not make it to my wedding due to her financial hurdles at the time. of course, i wished she could have, but i wasn't upset about it, and her non-attendance had nothing to do with children. i guess i just look at the situation for what it is. everyone has different things going on in their lives and aren't sitting around waiting to be invited to parties, so yay if everyone can come, and its ok if they can't.

@ MAMADUCKY, again, how can you tell someone what the theme of their event should be? mine was all-white and it looked simply beautiful in the lovely garden we were in. it was my day and it was what i wanted. no one thing took more precedence over another, but i did have what i wanted, because of course, i was footing the bill and reserve those rights, just as anyone else. so if you want a gaggle of kids, at your event, flipping and flopping all over the place, distracting from the ceremony and vows for the sake of cuteness - so be it. but to judge my preference and make your statement is narrow-minded. EVERYONE does not want kids at their stuff. nor are everyone's events family centered.

simply put, if you were invited to participate in a bake sale, would you show up with a meatloaf cuz protein's more important than sugar to you and thats what you wanted to do? silly indeed, lol

"so if you want a gaggle of kids, at your event, flipping and flopping all over the place, distracting from the ceremony and vows for the sake of cuteness - so be it."

This is a judgment and narrow-minded, yet you whine about people judging you. Many people feel that children will add to the ceremony, not distract. Because YOU feel that they will take away from the moment does not mean everyone else does. You have every right to have a child-free wedding, but it doesn't mean that those who do have one sacrificed their ceremony.

to the comment above...i responded to what was said. that was not a snap judgment like the staement about my choice to have all-white was.

she said: "She was actually HOPING they did something silly (they didn't)."

if flipping and flopping (just an example) around isn't silly, i don't know what is, so your comment isn't valid. and i certainly was not whining, but defending my choice since my comment was honed in on and attacked by saying

"A wedding is (or I guess was) about sharing your love with family and friends...not about making sure everyone was wearing white. It's a sad day when trivial things take presedance over the really important: family and friends." and i think i already stated that everyone has the right to have whatever they want, hence my very first comment. pick apart my comment and i'll pick apart yours, so read with understanding before trying to lash out hon

Thinking back to my wedding last summer, I wish I would have stated on our wedding invitations "adult only event". At the time, my fiance and I felt obligated to allow children attend our wedding because both my Matron of Honor and his Best Man had 5-year-old children AND were both traveling from out of state with their families. If they weren't part of our wedding party, then we would have enforced an "adult only" event.

It was a horrible experience with my Matron of Honor's daughter who decided to start crying right in the middle of me getting ready with my Matron of Honor trying to help with my dress. I was already stressed out and nervous as it was and I did not need a crying little girl pulling her mom away from me. I walked away, took a deep breath and ignored the situation. It happened again during the toasts.

It really depends on the situation of the bride and groom and whether or not they want children at their wedding event. Guests should respect their wishes. If parents cannot or do not want to attend a wedding event without their children, then they can always opt not to attend the event. A couple is content as long as they receive a response so they can move on to their 'B' list.

To those that complained about the cost of a babysitter, have you considered the cost to the couple of having your kid there? If the venue doesn't offer children's menus, guess what? The couple still has to pay for your kid. 10 kids = 1 whole table = additional decorations = additional space -- you get the picture. Yes, your kid is your family, but remember that no one loves your kid as much as you do. Making the assumption that everyone wants your kid there is being self-centered.

If the couple doesn't want your kid there and you really don't want to leave your kid at home, then you should stay home with him. Don't ruin someone else's day because you can't be understanding. I've seen enough weddings where I felt like smacking the kids on behalf of the couple.

I can't believe how offended some of the parents are getting at the thought of their children not being invited to a wedding, especially when a lot of you are complaining about the costs of not bringing them! It seems that none of you are looking at it from the side of the couple who would be footing a large bill for your kids.

I also can't believe that some people are stating that this makes the couple anti-children. It doesn't make you anti-children if you do not consider a formal sit down dinner usually with unlimited alcohol an event that isn't for children. It isn't a barbecue or family picnic.

Also, saying that because a couple prefers a certain theme or a particularly formal event makes them narrow minded is just not fair. I think it is also a case of the pot calling the kettle black. Just because you think your children would add to an event does not mean that everyone feels that way. It is true that no one loves your kids more than you, and it is narrow minded to think that every single experience of a person's life would be better if your child was there. A lot of parents I know are not negatively impacted by their children screaming or misbehaving because they think it is cute or they just have a tolerance for it that others do not have when it isn't a child with whom they have a close relationship.

I think these parents need to look back on how important their wedding day was AND how much pressure the planning was, not to mention how complaints of guests affected you. (I am pretty sure everyone has experienced at least one guest who through a fit over something. For example, a friend no longer attending because her new bf whom she met after the invites already came out cannot attend.) What usually happens is the people who complain about how weddings are being run, like complaints that it should be an event about love and community and togetherness and calling the couple selfish are usually just being selfish about their own demands. Unless, these people have extremely close relationships with your children as a couple, odds are they do not need them at that experience in order to celebrate the romantic event of being united forever in love. Turns out, your 5 year old they see twice a year cannot comprehend the event let alone really share in it.

I think this controversy is just a sign of how political weddings become, having to invite coworkers, having only one table of friends because you have to invite aunts and uncles you couldn't pick out of a line up, dealing with seating, having to deal with angry parents who want their kids there or worse parents whose kids were not invited who heard other children who are important to the couple (or children of out of towners who are important to the couple). These always end up being heated controversies that take away from making the event joyous for the couple.

Because that is the point, the marriage of the two people. We so often view weddings as a hassle because of the presents or the travel or the time commitment, but it is important to remember that these two people chose to invite you to one of the most joyous events in their lives. It should be an honor that they want you to be there. It is about what will make the experience amazing for THEM. Judging them because they want a certain feel (all white, outside, whatever) and specific people on the happiest day of their lives is just ridiculous. It is a day that a couple should be self-centered in my opinion, and actually more self-centered than they are often allowed to be. It is their day, and I think a lot of guests fail to remember that.

We requested no children at our wedding. Not that they always ruin things, but the potential for disaster is certainly there. My husband's family was a little upset at first, but we were getting married in a historic property and opted to tell people "It's a grown up party and will be very late and we will be serving alcohol and its just too much of a liability to invite children."

I've been to weddings before where kids screamed the whole time, messing up the video soundtrack...at another, a nine year old girl decided that she wanted cake before it was time to cut it and stuck her hand it AND knocked it on the floor. How bad would you have felt if that was your kid? It could happen to anyone, I don't care how well-behaved you think your kids are.

People spend a lot of money on weddings and want them to go well. Knowing that at least those types of situations could be avoided, we had no problem saying no. If people still bring their kids, knowing that they are not welcome, they should be asked to leave...Same with plus ones that weren't invited, but that's a whole different story. It's your party and you're paying for it and it should be how you want it. If they can't oblige, maybe they shouldn't come either.

It makes me kind of sad for those parents who can't stand to be away from their kids for ONE night. Do you not have any identity away from them? We get it, you're a mother, but seriously one night apart would probably be best for both of you. Take the request with grace and hire a sitter.

Some people -- on both side of this issue -- just ENJOY being offended, are happy when they can get up-in-arms about some issue. GRRRRR!!! okay, we get it.

this entire post shows how self-absorbed parents are these days.. scary to think what these kids who aren't learning social boundaries, manors, etc will be like when they are grown.. some weddings children are welcome, some weddings they are not.. to say that the bride doesn't like kids, etc is just so warped.. i have been to weddings where children {not the flower girl} screamed or yelled throughout the ceremony and the parents didn't take them out.. that is SO wrong in SO many ways. if you're a parent, take responsibility for your kid in ALL settings, instead of expecting the world to take responsibility for accomodating them.

I absolutely adore children, but I am having an adults-only wedding. What blows me away is that parents would EXPECT their children to be invited. Would you bring your children to a professional work party or a cocktail dinner with friends? I was never aware of kids being automatically invited to everything- I certainly was not when I was a child.

If it's too hard to get away or find a babysitter, send your regrets. If it's someone that would expect you to be at your wedding, I'd take the chance to personally call them and let them know why you can't attend. I'd be a little peeved if someone I was extremely close to just sent back a no reply card. Pick up the phone! I called all of my friends with children and explained that we could not afford the liability of having kids at our wedding, plus it's a limited space location and all of my friends were super excited to have an adults-only night with their hubby. I say that you should respect the couple as they are inviting you to share in their day, not the other way around.

I am all for an adults only wedding. I hate when all the rascals are invited and they are screaming and kicking and making a scene. let the adults have fun and enjoy the night.

We did NOT invite children to our destination wedding. Those who couldn't swing the no kids rule, didn't come. We didn't mind. I'm a teacher and love kids, but not when it comes at the expense of my wedding (a very pricey, and well-thought affair celebrating love and commitment of my husband and I). To all who disagree, I'd watch whose doing the finger pointing when it comes to selfish behavior.

We are having an adults only wedding. The main reason being that my eight and five year old cousins misbehave while their parents look the other way. My little cousin is really into Star Wars and he "light sabored" (used his hand as a sword) to hit adults during Christmas dinner. My Aunt and Uncle laughed it off like it was cute. Trust me, it was not cute and after being "light sabored" for the fifth time my Mom, brother and I got up and walked out. This made having an adults only wedding an easy decision. I would be mortified if my cousins tried to "light sabor" my guests during cocktail hour!

I don't know what's the big deal about bringing kids or not. Kids are part of the family. Weddings are about the couple but it is also about family and friends and making your guests feel welcome. Have a separate conversation about those kids who are unruly instead of generalizing and demonizing all kids. Or provide a solution by setting up a drawing station or hire a babysitter for a few hours onsite. Many couples would love to come but it is costly to hire someone.

Mostly every wedding I've been to it's been a non-issue. Personally, I think kids add a great feeling to weddings because they are the first ones on the dance floor and everyone melts when they are in the wedding party walking down the aisle. Just make sure there are other kids there and they're fine. I have the most touching photos of my niece, my coworkers' kids, and other relative's kids dancing and taking pictures with me. That is worth EVERYTHING to me even though my little niece was banging her expensive bouquet on the floor and picking on it during the ceremony.

I think it depends on the tone of the wedding though, Haute. If you want a formal evening wedding (8pm) with an open bar in an upscale hotel/location, you definitely don't want kids there. Kids shouldn't be out that late anyway. Kids may be part of the family, but you wouldn't take them to a company party or a $100 a plate restaurant if they may disrupt others. My dog, 3 chinchillas, rabbit, fish, and cat are a part of my family, can they come too? I went to my cousins wedding where my niece was throwing a fit when they were exchanging vows. Many people don't want to risk that.

My wedding - kid-free ceremony, reception is for everyone. I have too many kids in my family to make it a black tie event.

My wedding/reception were adult only because it was at my house. There simply wasn't enough room to have children there (there was barely enough room for the adults). I love my (child) cousins dearly, and I don't think they'll hold it against me.

The no kids at a wedding is ridiculous, a wedding is supposed to be about the unity of two families uniting no? not some excuse to get drunk and be " not interrupted" but apparently that's what the majority of the world is used to, AND WHAT ABOUT THOSE THAT PRACTICE ATTACHMENT PARENTING?

I think weddings are about community and family. The more generations present at the ceremony and reception the better.