If you've ever been pregnant, then you're probably all too familiar with the unsolicited remarks that strangers and friends feel compelled to share with you. Until recently, random people on the street were the biggest offenders. One Starbucks barista was brazen enough to ask if I was just carrying one child. When I confirmed that I was indeed pregnant with a single baby, he said something along the lines of, "Maybe you've got like nine in there! Like an alien! And you could be on Oprah and have lots of people send you free stuff!" WHAT!? I think someone had a little crazy juice with his lattes that morning.
Now, my friends have joined in on the insult game as well. The other day one of my girlfriends said, "You look different this pregnancy. Last time you were more pointed out and this time I think you're wider." Unaware that her comments were upsetting me, I let it slide. The next time someone pipes up, I'll be tempted to say, "You know what? You look wider, too!" In my last few weeks of pregnancy I may become more cheeky with my responses because pregnant or not, nobody should have to endure, "You look wider" comments.
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Pied A Terre
Lascana
Yoox
Um... you get fat when you're pregnant. People probably think you realize this and in turn, think their comments are just harmless jokes. I can understand that it's hard to have someone joke about how fat you are, but come on... it comes with pregnancy!
1after having been pregnant.... i'm SO much more sensitive to a pregnant womans feelings. But I also don't know if I was insensitive before, maybe it's not something you become aware of, until you're there (like for example foxie you're not carrying 30 lbs of fat all of a sudden it's 30 lbs of fluid and baby and SOME new fat yeah, but you're not fat you're pregnant). i also got to the point where i was just soooo done w/the comments, i definitely got snarky w/people... i didnt hestitate to give a look of complete an utter disgust and a "hmmmppffff"....
2I have a feeling I'm gonna be one mean pregnant lady!
3I get that you get "fat" when you get pregnant. That's not my beef. I just don't understand why people feel like you're an open target for such comments when normally, those type of remarks would not be acceptable.
4Foxie - no, people don't necessarily get *fat* when they're pregnant. Yes, women gain weight, but many times it is not *fat* at all. My first pregnancy, I ended up loosing about 30#'s while pregnant (my delivery weight was less than my pre-pregnancy weight). Granted, I had weight to loose at that time.
Some women do get *fat* while other's merely expand based upon the fact that their bodies are growing a baby and have to increase all the support systems to accomdate the process.
I tend to get a little snarky if people make insensitive comments. I generally let the "gee, you're getting HUGE" or "Wow, when are you due again" comments slide. I've been guilty of making similar comments and I know most people don't mean to be offensive with those. However, the comment from the barrista, that would have resulted in a verbal inquisition of the guy's experience with pregnany women. And the friend...well, I generally am pretty frank with my friends, so I would have likely responded, "really, I'm wide, good think I think before making comments like that." Or perhaps I would be a little kinder and responded with "Wide? Like fat?"
5oh you should be mean...one of my trainers at the gym told me my butt was getting bigger by the month!! I let him have it. It is hard for a woman to gain weight and not fit into any clothes and just kinda feel frumpy. I get it!
I have said this before but people lose their filters when it comes to pregnancy and kids...i truly don't get it! After going through it and hearing the awful, "it must be twins" or "you look about ready to pop" when i in fact had two months to go, ow i only comment to women how beautiful their belly looks..nothing more nothing less.
6You know what I meant by "fat," and it obviously wasn't that every pound gained was yellow, lumpy lard. Still, you get bigger. I still don't understand why one would get so defensive about it? You're going to have a baby, and that's a happy thing. Be happy about that instead of grumping when people make good natured jokes about how big you are.
7And babysugar, I think it would be YOU who would be the crappy friend if you shot back a mean spirited remark like "You look wider, too!" next time she says something.
I had a Starbucks barista tell me I looked ready to pop when I was about 6 months along and had just started really showing where it was obvious I was pregnant And I was not big at all. I wasn't insulted, but it did surprise me at her ballsiness.
8I'm with foxie. Pregnancy weight is not the same as, let's say, twinkies weight. The latter is not usually suited for polite conversation. babysugar, I'm sure the fact that you are so offended by your friends mentioning some aspect of your pregnancy means that you never discuss any part of it with them, right? Because how are your friends supposed to know what is acceptable to you if you're already being open about your pregnancy with them?
And the thing at Starbucks? Really? That guy was probably just making a ham handed attempt at humor.
9Regardless of how much weight or just baby poundage you put on while pregnant, it is rude to tell someone they look "wide." I don't understand what makes pregnancy weight acceptable to point out, just like people think it's ok to touch a pregnant woman without being invited.
Granted, I always wanted to be told I was huge, but I also totally understand why people didn't say it. It's generally not considered polite or acceptable to tell someone how large they are, regardless of the status of their uterus.
It's not "defensive" to not like being told you're a whale. And I think replying with "Hey so are you?" is probably one of the nicer comebacks one can make.
10The barista was obviously an idiot. I know what you mean about twin comments and stuff like that. I'm 9 months prego (due tomorrow!), so I'm sensitive to the issues that pregnant women face, particularly with the fact that people seem to think they can say all sorts of rude things to you and get away with it. With your friend though, I think she was just comparing how you're carrying...sometimes you carry right out front, sometimes you carry wide...I don't think that's a personal indictment on your size, just a comment on the differences between your pregnancies. Talking about how a person is carrying is pretty common, and according to some it can even indicate the gender of the baby. Bottom line, I'd be a bit easier on your friend.
11people can be so mean........do they not remember the rule.....IF YOU CAN'T SAY SOMETHING NICE, DON'T SAY ANYTHING AT ALL!....
12"And I think replying with "Hey so are you?" is probably one of the nicer comebacks one can make."
I don't agree with that statement Greggie. If somebody is making you uncomfortable, you can say "I think what you said was inappropriate" or "this discussion is making me uncomfortable" or my dearabby favorite "why do you say that?" Just like being pregnant doesn't invite rude comments, being pregnant doesn't excuse rude comments either.
Being called a whale, or whatever is horrible. But babysugar's friend was remarking on a difference in the way she was carrying (pointed vs. wide). She didn't call her physique wide. Her friend didn't get in on the "insult game."
13I don't think ANY woman wants to be referred to as "fat." Regardless of whether increased size/weight is related to pregnancy or not. Like it or not, that's a word that is offensive to practically every women (and most men too) regardless of whether they truly are *fat* or not.
It's those types of references that can be taken offensively, regardless of whether they are meant to be or not. That coupled with pregnancy hormones, which are well beyond the control of the mom-to-be, results in remarks that are interpreted as hurtful or insulting.
Many women have significant body image issues while pregnant while other's just cherish the experience. Some women feel sexy while pregnant and others feel anything but beautiful. It's not the same for every woman across the board.
14I disagree that the friend was not commenting on her physique. Pregnant, your belly is a part of your physique. A FRIEND should know that and if they're discourteous enough to not care, I'm ok with replying in a snitty manner as well.
There is no "insult game." It's just common courtesy that you don't comment that someone is wide, whether you mean their belly or their trunk.
15When does anybody ever refer to somebody's physique as "pointed?" Her friend was making an observation as to the way her belly was different this time around. Since when can't a FRIEND make that observation?
I have a hard time believing that as a Christian you find it appropriate to respond with snitty comments. Two wrongs don't make a right.
16My belly is part of my physique. A friend should be able to read what would be hurtful to me and what wouldn't. Like I said, I wanted to be called big, so my friends knew that. I know them, and don't say the same to them because I can read them.
If you want to judge my status as a Christian, go for it. Doesn't change my mind that sometimes a rude response is warranted when the comment itself is rude.
17last week at a craft show, I was looking at a paper store booth with a girlfriend, we complimented her on the selection that she had and she said that she could make custom announcements for me...she then went on and on about how "by the looks of my belly" she was sure that I had already had a shower so "no need for shower invitations by the looks of your belly you MUST have already had a shower"... WELL, I am 36 weeks and haven't had a shower (and haven't had one anyone offer btw) and my friend was embarrassed and I was embarrassed and it was the 5th person that week that had no filter for coming out and saying something totally rude to a complete stranger just because I was pregnant....ENOUGH! What kind of manners do people have anymore anyway?
18Honestly, when you've sat through rude and hurtful comments about losing your own baby, I guess it makes you kinda annoyed by pregnant women who, instead of being HAPPY that they're getting fat with a growing child, seem almost inconvenienced by their swollen bellies.
19Your friends aren't trying to insult you. They're just pointing out how big the BABY inside of you is. Not how bulbous and giant YOU are. Maybe you should count your blessings and be thankful that you have the gift of life and friends who give a damn about it.
I have sat through rude and hurtful comments about losing two babies, and I still don't get annoyed by pregnant women not wanting to be insulted. Comments like "Maybe you should count your blessings" are no better than "At least you can try again!"
20How is that comment not better? If you're pregnant, you SHOULD be counting your blessings, not complaining because other people don't realize it's taboo to talk about the (figurative?) elephant in the room!
21I completely disagree. I think they're both equally rude, dismissive, and self-centered.
22You seriously think it's the same thing to make rude comments about a DEAD CHILD as it is to make rude comments about a GROWING CHILD? That's crazy AND insulting.
23Wow Foxie, when did an insult about a person's appearance become so personalized about a woman being pregnant.
I think it's offensive to call ANYONE _fat_. I don't care if the person is obese, slim, pregnant, male, female. I think it's bottom line rude.
There are many ways to compliment someone about their pregnancy, which are often not interpreted as offensive by the general population. And, anyone not wanting to be referred to as _fat_, especially a pregnant woman, shouldn't be attacked on the basis of being unappreciative, etc.
You don't know the story of every pregnant woman and the trials and tribulations the journey to pregnancy may or may not have involved for that invdividual.
My only criticism is the use of the word FAT. I think that it is an inappropriate term to describe a pregnant woman's state and is demeaning.
24No, I think it's as rude to make a negative comment regarding one's personal appearance as it is to make a comment about a miscarriage being for the best. They are different categories, but both incredibly rude.
25I don't need to know everyone's personal story. If you act inconvenienced by your big stomach and people who obviously take a sincere interest in your pregnancy and your growing baby, you ARE acting unappreciative.
26I think anyone who is so self absorbed as to be offended by an inquisitive pal or stranger really just needs to grow up. Like I said, not all of us get to have that kind of attention.
Greggie, friends who say "WOW! You've gotten so big!" obviously aren't trying to make a negative comment. They're saying the baby is getting big, which is a compliment.
27And if the pregnant woman doesn't consider it a compliment, she is not in the wrong. It's HER feelings.
Friends who say "It was for the best" for a miscarriage mean the best as well, doesn't make it an acceptable comment or make it hurt any less.
28They're not even comparable situations, and honestly I don't know why you're trying to compare them. The whole point is that a pregnant woman should feel blessed to have a changing body and friends who care, because not everyone has/can have that.
29You're the one putting them together by saying women who are pregnant should just suck it up and be happy. I get that you think pregnant women should just feel blessed, you've made that clear. I believe they're also perfectly entitled to feel upset, frustrated, and hurt.
30i don't think it's being "inconvenienced" by being pregnant, i think it's that people are excited for you... and dont often express it w/a filter (as someone mentioned above). combined w/the fact that you're hearing comments from complete "strangers" probably on a daily basis, then to have a friend unknowingly insult you... is almost a double insult because she should KNOW better, or she should be more sensitive... as a friend.
other issues aside, and i'm sorry for everyone who's had to deal w/the loss that some of you have mentioned, one persons perception of an insult is no big deal to someone else... and not knowing how someone will react... (especially w/a hormonal pregnant woman who will laugh it off or not depending on the day) it's just better not to say something of a "size" nature...
31I think they should reserve their feelings for times when people are actually being hurtful, not when people are just trying to be friendly. It's so offensive the stupid little trivial things some people complain about, and I'm not just talking about pregnant women.
32If your friend is hurting your feelings, either deal with it because she's trying to be nice, or just SAY something to her about it. Preferably not in the rude way that babysugar has resolved to resort to.
I've said all I need to say and I really don't see how else to make people understand how petty and whiney it looks to be "hurt" over something that is a GOOD thing.
Let me just part by saying thank God I'm not friends with people who are so self involved as to not accept my kindness for what it is.
i dont think you COULD make me understand how it's petty and whiney to have your feelings hurt by a thoughtless pregnancy comment, it doesnt mean you're not happy that you're pregnant that you dont feel blessed, it means you have feelings, not that you're self involved (altho being self involved does kind of go hand in hand w/the whole pregnancy thing but i think that's a good thing, you need to be self involved, you have to be in tune w/your body and your baby's). i think anyone thinking that they can say anything they want and someone should be flattered... because they're pregnant and they meant well... i dont agree w/that. it's never kindness to say, you're WIDE this time, maybe if they said... you're carrying different this time around... and left it at that... it would've been fine.
33just an opinion
I really don't get why "you're getting so huge/big/round/whatever" is offensive?
I'm so guilty of saying these things to my friends, but it's always been a point of laughter and they'd agree that they were gigantimous.
As someone that makes these comments, I speak on behalf of my people, we mean no harm!
When I get pregnant, people can comment on the size of my belly all they want.. I'm just hoping I don't gain weight in my face and get like a double chin. If people comment on THAT I'd be mad. But belly? You're belly is supposed to be huge, there's a person in there.
34"hithatsmybike" you just said "i say it all the time around my friends". thats totally ok. But when complete starngers come up to you and tell you that it looks like your carrying 9 kids...c'mon! thats rediculous...and when you get pregnant and people start coming up to you on the street and telling you all kinds of things THEN you can come and say that you shouldnt take it offensive.
Yes getting big comes with being pregnant but that doesnt give people the right to say the things they say. ESPECIALLY people (like starbucks barista) that dont even know you!
BabySugar..get some strong skin..because after two kids i still get those rude comments!
35I'm not judging your status as a Christian Greggie. I'm just surprised that with all of the wisdom you have doled out here, that you would not take the opportunity to help people understand why they are being offensive in real life. Why wouldn't you just say "that kind of comment isn't nice for a pregnant woman to hear?" Where would rudeness get you? Do you think it would change that person's next interaction with a pregnant woman? Wouldn't a little education go a lot farther than a snippy comment?
36I could very well answer that way, my point is just that at 8 months pregnant, uncomfortable, hormonal, and tired of hearing it for the 184th time that day, a snitty comment would be totally understandable. Sometimes, rudeness gets the point across much better. A lot of people, as this thread shows, merely answer with "That wasn't nice and it hurt my feelings" with "Oh just count your damn blessings and be happy!!" So yes, I think that sometimes rudeness does change the next interaction. And much like a friend should've been able to gauge babysugar's feelings to know not to say the "wide" comment in the first place, maybe babysugar can gauge her friend to know if rudeness or education will work better.
Before people close to me had kids, I had no idea why comments about the belly size would be offensive. And hearing "that hurt my feelings" would've given me a "whatever, hormones!!" reaction. Hearing "yeah you look pretty wide too" would've made me rethink the whole thing. Unfortunately no one was kind enough to educate me until it came to my sister's pregnancies, so I'm sure I offended more than one person in my time.
37And "one of the nicer comebacks someone can make" is referring to the many thoughts with profanities that go through one's mind at the end of pregnancy and being sick of it all. As in one of the nicer snips, not the nicer polite comeback.
38why couldn't she just respond, "and it FEELS like I'm carrying 9 babies too!".
That's the best comeback!!
39That is a fantastic comeback hithatsmybike, unfortunately unless you've been 36 weeks pregnant it's really hard to get it. I think it's really hard to keep that positive attitude when you're self conscious about that double chin and the fact that your ass is twice the size it normally is
And while most know what their getting into it's just an overwhelming process that plays havoc on your body and mind.
40I agree with macgirl - that is an excellent comeback, it's just hard to think that clearly at 8 months pregnant. It's hard to remember your own name at 8 months pregnant. I can't tell you how many times I introduced myself by my maiden name at that point of pregnancy, my brain was just shot.
41And a random side note - I am so jealous of the belly on the woman in the photo. It's gorgeous.
42What kinda people do you all know? I was pregnant 3 times and only rec'd compliments and nice greetings. Now, behind my back is the same as any other time...but people were supportive and sweet to me, and I felt beautiful even when my (ex) husband was the only a$$. He was the only mean one.
43I got a lot of both comments. People at work seemed to be the worst at tactless comments, but they were when it came to non-pregnancy comments as well.
With my first two, it was like my belly was a free-for-all everywhere I went. Touching me, giving advice, etc. (Seriously, what makes a guy at a baseball game greet me with "Get some sleep while you can, and don't let that baby sleep with you!!"? Had never met him, hadn't spoken a word to him, he seriously took one look at me and yelled that out. Anyway...) With my third, I must've perfected the "back off" vibe with strangers, and it was so much more peaceful.
44Yeah, it's weird. I guess it didn't bother me as much because I've always lived in the south and people here do that (I do too) all the time, pregnant or not. I've had strangers hug me, grab my hand and stop me to tell me 'how old are you? you have such nice skin.' That's probably because my daughter is 14 and taller than me
We don't mind telling each other if something not quite right with each other if we are friendly with each other (like at work, or a familiar store employee) I guess I'm desensitized to it. As a matter of fact, the 'big mommas' at church when I was little probably cured me of it or are the reason I stay out of the public as much as possible.
I'm desensitized to it, but I still hate attention to my looks for any
reason, so I completely understand the objections and I try not to say anything unless they initiate. Usually a 'be well' will go the trick. LOL
45*DO the trick...
46I hope we get an edit button for Christmas
mesayme...i'm with you on that edit button!!! please!!! LOL!
Anywho.. i always got bad comments and good ones. The random people coming to you, rubbing your belly without even telling you anything, telling what you HAVE to do....its really uncomfortable while your preggers.
when i was pregnant i felt like it wasnt even my body...i was 8 months pregnant..gained 40 pounds and it was all in the belly. literally. i stayed suuper skinny..and people would compliment and then there were some that were just plain rude saying things like "You know you should really eat more...the baby needs everything" and i think "no f*cking sh*t lady...thanks for that" but what i say is "yes yes thank you i know".
and i noticed that most comments came from old ladies.why? idk!
but i agree with Greggie...a rude comment opens your eyes completely. I am rude when i have to be when people come up to me and tell me comments about me or my kids.
47Calm it down all! Pregnancy is beautiful, and you HAVE to realize no one means any harm by this. Be proud of your changes and show em off............love Ellen
48Im only 3 months along and have gotten bigger which I wasn't expecting, I guess. I didn't think I'd show until later due to family history. While looking in the mirror I asked my husband if he noticed that my baby belly was bigger and he said "yeah.. have you looked at your butt? it's bigger too." Talk about insensitive. He meant to be funny but like some have said, not all women enjoy being frumpy at the beginning. But I don't think we should have to deal with rude comments. And touching a pregnant woman's belly... ooh. Especially if you dont know her. That's ruder than anything.
49Hello! The babes are here! This is my favorite site to visit. I make sure I am alone in case I get too hot. Post your favorite link here.
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